Post # 1
I am obviously posting under a false name because I am embarassed about this. I just need some insight..
I am engaged and will be married in 2012. I love my fiance, he takes care of me and I’d do anything to make him happy. I don’t know why though, I’ve developed cold feet. I keep wondering now, what if I am making a mistake? I’m seeing some of his faults magnified, though NONE of them are really legitimate.
And now I keep having the grass is greener syndrome… wondering, what if there is someone else? Is this really it?
Ladies, I am mortified that I am going through this. I have to repeat, I love, love, love my fiance. He is more than anything I could have ever wanted. But I just don’t understand why I am freaking out.
Has anyone been here before?
Post # 3
Umm. I freak out all the time. Do you remember that movie, The Bachelor? I feel like that’s me sometimes. IMHO, as long as you know, deep down in your gut and rationally in your head, that he’s the man for you, it’s okay to freak out.
Here’s what I do: I always just imagine myself at various stages, alone, with some other (not real) guy, and with FI. I’m always most relaxed when I imagine FI with me. It’s kind of weird, but it works for me :).
Post # 4
2012 is quite a ways off. Maybe it’s a good time to talk to someone, a counselor maybe & get this sorted out.
Post # 5
It is okay to have concerns, it’s natural really. it may sound silly or ‘cold’ but try making a ‘pros & cons’ list –reasons why you love & adore & cherish and the things that rub you the wrong way. Then you can think about why the little pet peeves are bothering you so much and if they are legitimate concerns.
I think that sassy411 has a good piece of advice to maybe speak with a counselor or some such to sort this out, it can even prepare you for bringing it up with your partner, which should be done eventually when you can discuss it rationally and constructively.
ETA: I’ve definitely had off again on again cold feet throughout my engagement (since ’07) and often times I’ll think to myself of how life would be different without my partner; now, I am not saying that I stay with my partner out of ease or from fear of change, but rather that when I rationalize it I know I have it really really good with my partner as they are someone who genuinely cares for me & is interested in me as a person — and often, the things I freak out over or stress about are small potatoes in the long run, but that is something you have to determine for yourself.
Post # 6
yesmaam – I don’t know if you are one to pray, and I don’t want to offend you, but I would suggest taking some time to yourself and talking to God about this one! Sit and be quiet and listen.
If you are taking this marriage seriously, which I am sure you are, then you see that this is a huge decision and it means “forever”. Perhaps the permanence of this is what is making you nervous, not the man?…. All the best!
Post # 7
It’s quite common to have cold feet–I get them now and then too, and I’m getting married in 2 weeks!
I’m a bit more of a realist than a romantic, fyi. So that’s where this is coming from: I think that love finds you but you choose who you marry. The person you marry will be flawed. The person you marry will piss you off. The person you marry will lack qualities that you deem important. And while you are married to said person, it’s more than likely that you will at times, wonder why you married them in the first place. That’s why it’s a choice–marriage is active, not passive. So you made the choice means that in those rough times, you remind yourself that you chose to be in the marriage and therefore, you overlook the flaws, resolve to teach him to develop qualities you like and remind yourself why you DID in fact, marry him in the first place. When I get cold feet, it’s often because I’m freaked out at the thought of “is this person THE ONE RIGHT PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD??!” I tell myself (again) that marriage is a choice because it reminds me that we dont’ necessarily FIND “the one,” we choose to love someone AS “the one.”
As far as “the grass is greener” issue, for one, if you met someone else I guarantee that he would have just as many flaws, just different ones. And two, to reiterate, this isn’t “what’s behind door number 2” or “Deal or No Deal”. Marriage is a choice and when you choose to love someone, you basically also choose not to care about what’s behind “door number 2.”
Post # 8
Did you JUST get engaged?? I went through something similar when I was about to get engaged as I knew he’d propose…
But once I said yes and time passed, I felt much more at ease. And yes, there will always be greener grass but I love mine even when it’s looking a bit yellowish 😉
Post # 9
@JennyW1 — if I wasn’t already (newly) married, I’d ask YOU!
@yesmaam — read and reread JennyW1. And I think what you’re experiencing is perfectly normal. I also agree that 2012 is a long ways off and have never (personally) understood the need for long engagements. It’s a mirage because it appears to give you time to really cement your feelings and your decision to marry your FI but we also get so caught up in the planning that it makes it so hard to get out if that’s what we decide to do in the end. You know?
Post # 10
I am in the same boat and need some serious advice from the brides out there who have had cold feet. How long did they last? I am supposed to get married in May and haven’t been able to eat I’m so anxious. I love my fiance and honestly feel like there is no one better for me out there but something in me feels like it has died and I don’t necessarily know how to get it back. I start counseling on Thursday and am also contemplating going to couples counseling to see if we can work through some of MY issues together. My fiance has been COMPLETELY understanding of all that I have been feeling and I’m fortunate to be able to talk to him because if I couldn’t, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown! It’s almost as if I’ve talked myself out of the marriage when that isn’t what I want. I’m open for any advice or stories of people who have experienced something similar. Thanks!
Post # 11
It’s a scary boat to be in…I know, because I am there! I was happy before I got engaged, and felt excited right after I accepted the proposal for a few months, but for a majority of the engagement have felt the roller coaster of emotions. I, too, am seeking help right now. Fear is strong, and can make you think and feel a lot of things. It has made me question my love for my fiance and I am at the point of convincing myself to call it all off to avoid feeling this anxiety (5 happy years down the drain).
The best advice I can give is to A) really read JennyW1’s post. This is a good approach to life and marriage. B) don’t make any rash decisions. Take time to reflect, journal, exercise, meditate and talk to those people you can trust.
I welcome any advice too! It’s a lonely time, especially when people expect you to be happy planning and loving life.
Post # 12
I was there… I got engaged last year everything was great I was so excited, I had been waiting for this day, we have been together for 10 years and lived together for the past 2. One morning I woke up and I had a panic attack. Now I suffer from anxiety but this was different. It was like all of a sudden I realized I was getting married. I’ve loved him since the day I met him but I couldn’t shake this feeling that I didn’t love him enough or maybe he wasn’t the one. All of a sudden I couldn’t feel my love for him. I was waking up every morning crying. Thank goodness my fiance is such an understanding person. He would talk me through it every morning and I would feel fine but then the cycle would happen again. I had so much fear inside of me that I honestly felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t concentrate at work, I wasn’t eating I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I finally went to go see someone to talk everything through and thank God I did. I feel so much better. I came to realize that this is a huge transition in my life. I was (and still am) scared of all this change, of the commitment. I forgot all about the last 10 years I’ve been with him. I couldn’t see it or feel it. Once I started talking about all of my fears it wasn’t there as much. I got comfortable being uncomfortable in this fear state. Reading the conscious bride and going on the website helped too. I was literally at the point where I wanted to call it off because I felt like this has to mean that I’m not suppose to get married if I feel like this. But that is the farthest from the truth. One thing I have to say is don’t make any decisions while your in the fear. Talk to a therapist, journal, talk it through with your fiance. I did all of this and it helped me so much. I’m getting married in 2 weeks and I can’t wait. I can honestly say now I love my fiance and I don’t want a life with out him. 2 months ago I couldn’t say that. If you asked me whether or not I love him I would freak out because I didn’t know. Now I do. Looking back on the last 2 -3 months it was horrible I hated every second of it but at the same time I’m glad I went through it.
It will get better trust me.
Post # 13
This isn’t a solve-all, but I think sometimes movies and books put too much pressure on there being that one perfect guy. I just read “The Wedding Girl” by Madeleine Wickham and it’s great because it shows how a couple can overcome issues even while they’re getting married. It’s a fantastic book, and it won’t take over a day to read.
Post # 14
@JennyW1:You are a wise woman Jenny W! I am getting married in 10 days and just last night I was irritated at something he said….this morning I resolved to help guide him out of a particular pattern he has that by anyone’s standards would be slightly caustic. But I love this man and he loves me…neither one of us are perfect but we are perfect for each other. We do the work and we excel at that. Loving someone is a choice, just as happiness is, just as hate is. I choose love and I choose happy. Fear is such an insidious entity that it masks what’s really happening and contorts the truth. Fear is not reality, it’s learned. I believe that thoughts become things, so whatever we fear can manifest. So if our thoughts are of peace and faith and love, we will bring those things into our realities. I AM HAPPY. FI AND I ARE EXTRAORDINARY. ETC…..
Marriage is a huge undertaking and there is so much bad press about it that I can only sometimes wonder why does anyone want it…why not love and live together without the legalities….I believe in it. My parents are divorced since I was 14 and I still believe in it. I waited 47 years to do it because settling was never in my programming. I worked my ass off with healers and teachers to abolish anything inside of me that was keeping love, the kind of love I knew existed, away from my heart. It paid off and I now have it. Is it perfect, hell no! Is it real, YES! I am willing to do the work and reap the rewards of a life filled with love and joy and adventure with this wonderful man.
So….I hope that for anyone reading this that you find the peace and the strength to listen closely to your head and turn fear into confidence that the “ideal romantic storybook fairytale” can be a landmine of unrealistic expectations and that you can WRITE YOUR OWN VERY HAPPY ENDING!
Good luck to all the upcoming brides!!!!
Post # 15
Thank you everyone. I am recently engaged… so this fear came out of nowhere. Every person had valid ideas and I am going to try to institute them.