Post # 1
Ok, bees… really need your input.
I’ve been engaged for a whopping 2 weeks, been with Fiance for 3.85 months (EDIT – YEARS!) 😉 and over the weekend developed a serious case of cold feet. I find myself questioning the ‘forever’ aspect of marriage and find it to be overwhelming. This isn’t necessarily a new feeling, but I’ve found myself somewhat obsessing about it the last couple days.
But, when I think about not being with Fiance, I feel utterly devastated and know I don’t want to live life without him.
I think some of my ‘cold feet’ issues stem from my family expressing their feelings that he is not what they consider to be my ideal match (he’s an introvert, I’m an extrovert, different education backgrounds, and they don’t feel like he’s on the same ‘level’ as me spiritually). None of this is new to me – as they have made their feelings clear throughout our relationship. And, I’m not entirely sure why I’m taking it to heart, now – except for I’m questioning if they know something I don’t…. is the best guess I have.
In any case, I’m trying to assess what’s normal ‘cold feet’ stuff and what’s more ‘serious’ cold feet stuff.
Post # 3
You’ve been together for 3.85 months or was that supposed to be years? Honestly, my husband and I only dated for around 6 months before we were married, but I never had one doubt that he was the one after we decided to marry. Maybe you should have a REALLY long engagement?
Post # 4
WHOOPS – that was supposed to be 3.85 years….. now, that makes a BIG difference.
Post # 5
What types of things do you really think about when you start feeling “cold feet”?
If it’s just what everyone else says, then I think it’s somewhat normal. It’s really hard to accept when your friends/family have negative opinions about the one you love – even if they’ve said it from the start. But if there are other thing between you and FI that have you worried about “forever”, you may need to explore the feelings a little more.
You’re newly engaged, and as happy as it makes you, it’s still a new milestone and “forever” can be a scary concept. I’ve been engaged since December, and sometimes I have bouts of “cold feet”. Try to remind yourself what made you say “yes”. If it helps, the hive is always here, and I’m open to PMs if you need to vent.
Post # 6
I know how stressful it can be to be dealing with those doubts/coldfeet — especially when your family isn’t all that enthused about your choice of a man! I wrote about my own personal sitaution here.
You’ve been together for almost 4 years! That’s a long time! Here are some questions for you to consider:
1. Why were you initially attracted to him (not just pysically, but emotionally, etc.)?
2. How compatible do your personalities seem to be? Do you get along? Or do you fight a lot? How well do you communicate? If you don’t get along or communicate well now, is this something that both of you are willing to work on?
3. Why do you think you are feeling the way you are? Do you have other stressors in your life right now? Are you generally an anxious person?
4. Do you want to be married? Right now (or whenever it is you’re planning your wedding for)? To him? Each of these is it’s own question worth answering. Is marriage itself something that you want for your life? Is the timing right? Do you feel there are things you still want to do before you get married, are are you happy to pursue your dreams with someone else at your side? And is this man going to be the kind of partner you’d like to be married to?
I’m not asking these things because I want to know … they’re just some questions to get you thinking about your relationship and help you understand whether how you’re feeling now is just cold feet or something more serious.
The hive is always here for you!
Post # 7
@FlipFlop – I guess that’s what I don’t know – what are the ‘typical’ things everyone says??
Right now, for me, it’s not a particular issue between Fiance and me at all. I guess the trepidation is the reality of how this decision I’m making (to marry) is changing the course of the rest of my life. I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing (change, that is) – it’s just makes my stomach do flip flops (kinda like right before you go on a roller coaster) – half excited, half makes you want to throw up! 😉
Post # 8
I know what you’re talking about with regard to outside influences, and I can tell you what helped me.
For a little background, my Fiance and I were together for 3 months before he proposed, and it was so interesting the kind of backlash we received when we announced our engagement. Our families and the majority of our friends were not surprised and were very supportive and happy, but I had one friend that kept gnawing at me and gnawing at me. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”, “I think this is the wrong thing to do”, “I don’t think…” etc. Keep in mind, this same friend had met her boyfriend with whom she’s madly in love with (they’re making plans to buy a house together, get married, the whole bit) just a couple of weeks before I met my Fiance.
She remarked that she didn’t know my Fiance and when I suggested that they get to know each other better, she indicated that she had no desire to get to know him further.
I knew he was the one for me, but she didn’t want to budge. I thought she was just being protective until finally, she told me that she just didn’t like it when her friends had boyfriends, and now we were coming to the root.
I finally stood up to her and let her know that I was choosing him, period. Not much happened with her (we no longer speak), but I was different after that moment.
After I stood up for us, I realized that I had no more doubts. I had made my decision and gosh darn it I was HAPPY about it!!! Speaking of happy, I am now fully committed with zero doubt to the man that I adore, and who adores me and takes every opportunity not only to tell me, but to show me so.
It’s really hard to be certain all the time with so many of your family members insisting that he’s the right one for you, but think of it this way:
You’re the expert on your relationship. You’d know.
Good luck and trust your gut!