(Closed) cold feet…FI thinks we need to call it off

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What do you think?
    Call It Off (absorb the booking fees, cancel the wedding plans for now) : (5 votes)
    7 %
    Elope (absorb the booking fees, fly to the destination and get married) : (16 votes)
    23 %
    You are just overwhelmed right now : (47 votes)
    68 %
    You have cold feet : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    6360 posts
    Bee Keeper

    It sounds like the wedding and everything else is stressing you out, NOT the marriage! Therefore, see if you feel better in a few days, but maybe a big wedding is not for you… consider eloping if you don’t feel more enthused about the wedding after a few days.

    Meanwhile REASSURE him! You are not having cold feet, he need not fear that’s he’s going to have a runaway bride on his hands! He is feeling insecure and worried that you, the love of his life, may not want to commit to him. That is excruciating for any fiance/fiancee. Make sure he knows he has nothing to fear!

    Post # 4
    Member
    312 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    i am so sorry you are going through all of this amidst preparing for your wedding. however, i do see his point. with a big family, or soon to be a big family, things always come up. your biggest thing to combat seems to be transportation and the sleeping arrangement. have you tried to book another room? can someone else drive with you guys? if you can figure that out, everything else will fall into place. his nieces pregnancy shouldn’t affect your wedding plans. how does his brother’s job loss affect your wedding?

    Post # 5
    Member
    859 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    This doesn’t even slightly sound like a marriage issue.  It sounds like you both have had a rough couple days (possibly weeks) and you both just need to just get so rest and think rationally.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    its ok to get overwhelmed, it doesnt mean cold feet!!

    i planned my wedding alone – family and friends in a different continent, fiance working really long hours, his family speaking a different language. and i felt like i had a huge weight crushing me down with a million issues going on, and i thought ‘isnt wedding planning meant to be fun’. but i knew i loved him, and ok, its only a week into our marriage but i dont have the doubts i had before. it was literally wedding/situational stress

    i think youre just overwhelmed, its not a cold feet/bad relationship situation. life is rough for you right now, and i think your fi needs reassurance that this is what you want

    Post # 8
    Member
    5894 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Sounds like you are venting, he is feeling like he cant *do* anything to make it better, so the only action is to cancel. You need to preface all venting session with “I dont expect you to do anything or solve anything. All you have to do is listen”

    As for the destination wedding/vacation. Rent a van, cut the vacation to 1 week instead of two. If brother has to sell, you can find another location, even if it’s in a restaurant or public park. 

    I think when we are in the weeds, we get so focused on trying to make what we think should happen, well, HAPPEN, that we lose sight of what the different options are. If you were planning this now, with the constraints you have now, what would you do?

    Post # 10
    Member
    3050 posts
    Sugar bee

    @dihy:  while the transportation thing is a non issue- just rent a minivan- I think there are too many cumulative things going on. I would elope with just immediate family & have a nice dinner. So much less stress. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    444 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

    I would suggest to him that you want to go get married at a courthouse, just the two of you… Sounds like things are crazy, but you still want to get married. Then plan a party when things calm down. It’s a pretty sure way to show you don’t have cold feet!

    Post # 12
    Member
    238 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    BREATHE! This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation!! 

     

    You obviously love your FI (I mean, you have stayed through all of this? how could you NOT love him?!), and you want to be married. You, by the sounds of this, aren’t having cold feet. 

     

    Sit down with your future husband, explain how this is all stressing you out, but more than anything you want to be his wife, you want to spend your life with him (good times and bad!) and you LOVE him. Really make sure he knows that.

     

    Then talk options. By the sounds of this, a beautiful, quiet, romantic elopement for two (followed by a fancy dinner? stay in a hotel?) sounds like a good option. You can invite family, or you can not! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    5894 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @dihy:  I dont understand why you cant firgure out how to involve his kids. You have 4 months. How would postponing it a year change anything? You need to figure out how to get them there–rent a minivn–and ask them how they would like to be involved– help with DIY, walk down the aisle, hold the rings, etc. Other than that, what needs to be figured out? I think you are making it more diffcult than it needs to be.

    Post # 15
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I think you need to refocus on what is important when getting married. If it’s super important that all four kids be there, then relocate the wedding to somewhere that you CAN afford to go, with all four kids. Your kids will still get their vacation, his kids can go, and you’ll still have your wedding. Or, just separate the wedding from the trip, go on a shorter, closer trip with the kids, and then have a wedding near home so that everyone can attend and it’s less expensive for you both.
    I think you need to sit down with your FI when kids aren’t going to get in the way, and have a good conversation about what’s important to you both. Get your priorities straight so you can make sure you are actually getting what you both want/need.

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