Post # 1
Two nights ago I went to a holiday party with 4 college girlfriends I haven’t seen in a year. It’s been a very eventful year for me–I got engaged, started a new job and bought a house. I was expecting a barrage of questions about these things, but I was surprised at how few questions were directed at me. Our conversation stayed very superficial all night. Only one person asked to see my ring. That same person asked me about the wedding in the first 5 minutes after I arrived, and then the subject was never again brought up, even when I handed out save-the-dates. When I mentioned that I bought a house, the subject was immediately changed. (It was a strange context in that instance–after 3 anecdotes of childish behavior, someone said, “Hasn’t anyone done anything adult and grown-up in the past year?” and I said, “I bought a house.” Maybe it was like an “OK, you win,” kind of topic change.) I did discuss my new teaching job with one other guest who’s also a teacher, but no one really asked about it. Maybe the whole night was more about falling back into roles and activities we had in college (drinking was a big part of the night) than about truly catching up and building a relationship in the present.
It’s definitely true that I’m the only one in this group who seems to be “settling down” and that is probably a big part of this. One of the girls is living with a guy she hopes to marry someday but says they’re too poor to think of it in the near future. The other three have moved away from thier hometown to pursue fancy careers in DC and NY and don’t seem to have time to date. At least, they didn’t mention boyfriends.
Is this really self-centered of me to expect others to be interested in my life, or were my friends being rude or thoughtless?
Post # 3
I hope these girls aren’t ones that you plan on having in your wedding. But if they are more just casual friends, then I am not surprised. I have kind of found, especially with people you don’t talk to that much, that other people aren’t interested in things we know are really big and monumental in our own lives.
I think if they were in a more similar place as you are in your life you would have gotten more questions and there would have been more talk of getting married/new houses/new jobs. But it sounds like they don’t have a lot in their own lives to relate to that. I agree it would have been more polite if they were a little more interested, but I am not really that surprised.
Post # 4
Sounds like jealousy, sorry you had to experience it so terribly. I’ve found that people who are happy in their lives actually ask me about the wedding and want to hear about the proposal and my new job while unhappy or jealous people act like nothing has changed and i’m not planning a wedding or working at a new company.
To their defense, it’s hard to act happy for people who are having so many wonderful things happen to them when you are jealous. So maybe it’s better they just didn’t bring it up. I even have a BM who pretends to ask about how it’s going and quickly changes the subject to herself or tries to tie her own goals into my wedding. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even care, I have enough support around me and I am so happy that other comments or lack of comments don’t bother me as much.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I agree with ModernDaisy — most people who are interested in any plans I’m making are those who are also in the same boat (planning a wedding, starting a new job as well, just bought a house too). It is hard especially if you’ve been the one who was interested before, and now people aren’t doing the same for you. Hopefully you have other people in your life who can be there to be excited for you!!
Post # 6
No, these girls are NOT in the wedding, but they will be invited. This made me feel like I’d made the right decision there!
It wasn’t horrible, just kind of off-putting. It just made me question whether my expectations were out of sync with reality. Just because my life has changed doesn’t mean others have to be interested. But then if they’re not, what kind of friends are they? I agree, jealousy seems like a likely explanation.
Post # 7
My vote is for jealousy/inability to relate. The friends of mine who aren’t anywhere close to buying a house or getting married are way, way less likely to ask me about anything. I try not to take it personally… although it does kind of suck that its that way. Especially bc when its their turn for these things I will be totally thrilled for them. But, it is the way it is.
Post # 8
I think they’re just not in the same place as you are right now, so they just aren’t interested. I’m sure they’re happy for you – you didn’t mention anyone saying anything snotty – they just, honestly, probably don’t care. :/ It happens!
Post # 9
I agree with the others in that it seems like you are all just in different places in life. If they weren’t making snide remarks or anything, I wouldn’t worry too much. It sucks that your friends and you may have grown apart, but it happens, and hopefully your “life paths” will cross again in the future. To think about it from another perspective – would you super interested in hearing all about your single friends wild nights out at this point in your life? Or (if you don’t have kids) – would you really want to spend an evening listening to friend(s) go on and on and on about their kids? I mean, I like kids and all, but some moms just take it to a level where I’m like, oh man, please, there’s more to life than just Junior’s potty training adventures and daycare reports. 😉 It’s gotten to the point where there are a few aquaintences that I just out of habit refuse to bring up the kids or else I better get myself another glass of wine & a comfy seat because opening that door ensures hours of ooohing and ahhhing. 😉
Post # 10
I think you hit the nail on the head with the whole “falling into old habits” thing. I’ve found that I have certain friends from college who are still stuck in perpetual college mode – shirking responsibility, focusing on partying/drinking, not really focusing on their future. Those people aren’t going to be able to relate to you since you’ve clearly moved past that and are starting a grown-up life. I don’t think it’s jealousy. I just think that they aren’t where you’re at in your life so they don’t particularly care to hear all the gory details of wedding, house, job, etc. But like if you had some story about partying until 4 A.M. and dancing on a bar naked somewhere, they probably would have been more interested, you know?
Post # 11
I dunno, you haven’t seen them in a year. Have you talked recently? I don’t really find myself desiring to ask a bunch of quesitons to someone I haven’t seen in a year even if we were friends back in college. I wouldn’t take it personally…i hate to say it, but maybe they just don’t care! I certainly never cared about houses until I got one myself. So it makes sense. And yeah, maybe they are jealous a little, too,
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
I wouldn’t call them jealous, just in different places than you. When one of my friends talks about her dating problems, I really don’t care at all. I’m so beyond worrying if someone is going to call me, so I can’t relate. I do my best to listen, but it isn’t exactly a topic I want to discuss at length. I’d say it’s the same situation for them.
Post # 13
I guess I disagree a little. I think with good friends it shouldn’t matter what place in life you’re at–you should still be interested in what your friend is doing! I know when I was no where near getting married I was still able to ask friends who were questions about their wedding. Now, I ask my pregnant friends about their pregnancies and babies even though I am no where near that phase in life–because I care about them!
I’m not saying that your friends don’t care about you but maybe you’ve all just grown apart over the last few years?
I think you probably made the right choice about BMs as well!
Post # 14
When I was a bride-to-be, I kind of avoided wedding talk. I didn’t want to be the chick who can’t talk about anything else (not saying you are!). I also found it annoying when I’d get together with people and the only thing they could think of to talk to me about was my wedding. I got SO SICK of talking about wedding planning!!
Perhaps your friends just didn’t want to dwell on it?
As for the house thing- perhaps it’s just not something they could relate to if they were at a different stage in their lives?
Post # 15
I agree with Albee – the reason I think it’s jealousy and kind of rude behavior is exactly what she said. It absolutely shouldn’t matter where everyone is in their lives, you should show interest in each other if you’re real friends. Complete strangers and new acquintences ask me about the wedding plans and compliment the ring to be polite! I mean, I’m sure the spotlight was on the other girls at different points of the night, they should have given you your 15 minutes, even if they were just being nice.
Very good decision to not have them in the bridal party! This is actually why I didn’t ask anyone from College also.
Post # 16
i had a really, really similar experience with some friends about a year out of college–2 of my old roommates who i’m not even sure i’m going to invite to the wedding now (i’ve been out of college 3 1/2 years now). i’m the one who moved away while 3 of my roommates still lived in a 3 block radius from each other, and during 1 visit i realized 2 of them barely knew me or asked me any real questions about what was going on in my life–all they did was talk about themselves and make me feel guilty for moving. i think post-college there’s a lot of growing apart between friends, and realizing at the end of the day who your real friends are. because on the other hand, i have 3 amazing friends from college who are my bridesmaids now and who when i see them or talk to them, it’s like we still live together, even when we haven’t caught up in months. those are the friendships that last…