- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011
So I’d like some advice. First of all, this is not an issue with money really, bills are getting paid and stuff gets purchased and it’s not been a big deal. Second, it’s not really about our “relationship” per se either. We haven’t really fought about this and it’s not contentious, it’s just something I notice that kinda bugs me.
DH is having a hard time with the “combining” or oneness part of being married. Maybe I am to, but I’m only noticing it in him 🙂 We both lived independently for so many years that it’s been difficult learning how to go about life with a sense of togetherness in the mundane things.
For example, he has a credit card. That’s no problem, but it’s our finances combined that are going to be paying off that credit card so I feel weird when he makes a purchase on it (I’m not talking like $10 here, but like $100 or more) and I’m not aware of it. But then I would feel weird saying, “I’d like you to tell me about every purchase you make.” because that sounds naggy and controlling, it’s just not being aware of it that I don’t like.
Another example, when we were on our honeymoon, DH had made all the arrangements for hotels which I totally appreciated. On one particular day we were checking out and we were in a bit of a hurry because we had somewhere to be in a few hours.
So I said, “Why don’t you go check out and I’ll put the bags in the car?”
and he said, “That’s all right, I can do it.” Meaning he wanted to put the bags in the car in the exact order/direction/way he felt was right and didn’t want me messing it up, whatever.
So I was like, “Fine, then I’ll check out and you do the bags.” And he said, “No really, it’s fine. I can take care of it.” Everything was paid for he basically just didn’t trust me to do it in the way it should be done.
I left and took a walk for a few minutes because I didn’t want to scream at him in the hotel lobby and he acted completely flumoxed when we got on the road that I was annoyed.
I said, “I’ve been living quite successfully and independently for many years. I know how to put a bag in a car. I know how to check out from a hotel. I feel like a child along for the ride who’s parent is taking care of everything because they can’t be trusted to do even the smallest task.”
He apologized and said he obviously didn’t want me to feel like that, and he was a little better throughout the trip.
It certainly hasn’t been as bad as that since then, but I still feel like he has his own way of doing things where he’s completely unwilling to trust me to not botch them, like a child with a power tool that needs to be supervised. I understand he needs his space, I don’t mess with his computer or his guitar and he doesn’t mess with stuff that matters to me, but it’s not really an “objects” problem as much as the psychological reasons behind his attitudes.
He is over 8 years older than me so that might be part of the issue. I know the credit card issue and the “child supervision” thing seem to be separate, but they feel like the same deal to me. Does it just take time to go from independence to working together? Or is the inability to just go with the flow and be a team something that needs to be addressed more specifically by some people?
Thank you to anyone who read all of that, it’s part vent and part wanting any advice from people who’ve gone through something similar. How much space do you give and what do you not budge with when it comes to ‘oneness’? Where’s the line between respecting another way of doing something and disrespecting your partner by shutting them out of your process?
(I am PMSing a bit so I might take all this back in about 10 days :))