Weddingbee boards

My fiance casually announced last night that his best man had mentioned a plan for his bachelor party.  Seven weeks before us, one of our groomsmen is getting married (we are both in that wedding party and the groom is in ours.)  Outside of that, our best man is in the frist wedding as a groomsman.  They DO have 90% of the same friends because my FI and his buddies have all been friends since elementary school.  However, I see a couple of problems:

Number one?  We don't have the same guest lists.  There are people invited to the earlier wedding that did not make our tiny guest list.  These are guys who will be at this 'joint' bachelor party who are flat out not invited to our wedding.  I would say this is probably 5 guys.  Five guys who would probably have dates to ours, bumping our guest list by a possible 10.  This is a major issue as we are actually cutting FAMILY in order to accomodate our tiny wedding venue and budget.

Problem two is the whole "guys weekend away / strippers" thing.  I'm a firm believer that the trend towards having an entire WEEKEND is just over the top.  One night? Fine.  Have at it.  An entire weekend trip?  WHY?! I just feel like it's unnecessary and I have no plans to do anything like that for MY party.

The minute the word Vegas left his mouth, I said no way (I'm not going to go too far into that, but in my relationship, that is a deal breaker/reconsider marriage topic).  Then Vancouver, BC was brought up as well.  I also know why - because there is a lot more... how shall I say... leeway as to what is or is not legal and done in those clubs.  In Washington, our clubs have strict rules including no alcohol.

I've never considered myself 'anti-stripper' - I've been to clubs myself including Vegas clubs and Oregon clubs, I've had lap dances for men and women, my oldest brother was actually a stripper in college so I have a bit of knowledge of that world without having been in it myself - whatever.  Oddly enough, now that I'm ready to get married, it DOES bother me.  A LOT.

So honestly?  I want to shut this whole thing down.  I want to say this is about the guest list and about respect for me.  And please, don't tear into the fact that I feel this way.  We all have differing opinion about strippers and bach parties, etc.

Help?

I feel the same way as you. A weekend is a lot. Maybe if it was a skiing trip or something, but alcohol/strippers/etc is not cool. I also get your point about the guest list. 

So here is my question. Say FI had a separate bachelor party that you approved of. Wouldn't he still be going to the other dude's party as a guest and doing all that same stuff you aren't happy with? Or is he ok with skipping his friend's party?

Technically, yes.  We are both in this other guys wedding.  I'm in as a "replacement" bridesmaid - so I'm friends with the bride but not ultra close.  I have no idea what she is thinking at this point or if she has even heard about these ideas.  I do think she would shut Vegas down also, so I'm not really worried about that (aside from jsut being pissed off that guys even think it is an OPTION)

I guess the difference to me is when it is YOUR party, you are the one getting the lap dances, the feed the kitty (shudder) etc.  If it is at his buddies party, it wouldn't be about him.

In other full disclosure, about a year or so ago my FI and his buddies from work planned an elaborate "bachelor" party for a coworker.  I found out afterward that said coworker HAD knocked up his girlfriend, but they were not even engaged let alone having a wedding.  It was a total excuse to get hammered and go to a strip club.  I actually DDed that night for 4 of the guys and told my fiance afterward to not ever except to be in another strip club.

Now here we are and I'm just upset, period.

Do the people invited to the bachelor party also have to be invited to the wedding? Is that some kind of ettiquette rule? We are having a smaller wedding and almost none of the girls coming to my bachelorette are invited to the wedding.

Well, I actually don't know if it is a rule or not - the issue is mostly that in this case, its going to be REALLY obvious that some didn't make the cut.

And I agree - I don't really knwo what about it bothers me yet overall - I will say that my history of having been cheated on by previous guys coupled with the somewhat innocent deception regarding the other "faux" party I mention above make me feel like he has already had his chance, thanks.  This is his second wedding and I know he didn't have strippers at the first bachelor party either.  Maybe his buddies are compensating... who knows.

All I know is this is making me feel like total crap.

@missjyc (and all the lovely ladies who wrote back) - Now that I've had a few more days to think about this, the guest thing is really minor.  I'm not terribly worried about offending his buddies because that is on him to handle.  I won't even be there to see it...  So really, you guys are right that it's basically a non-issue/cop out.

Being honest with myself, I'm genuinely not happy about the Vancouver / entire weekend idea.  The environment with the strippers there is one I don't feel comfortable with at all.  I might consider giving the green light to a local club but I'm still undecided.  Either way, I'm planning to phrase it in a "here is how I'm feeling" way and then let him take that information and make his decision.

Thanks for the support!

I totally agree with you on the stripper thing and also am saying no way, but I'm more leniant with the weekend trip. i'm totally fine with my FI going to Vegas and gambling and hanging out with the guys. They want to act like boys and get drunk- fine with me as long as there are no boobies involved! I'm goign to Vegas with my girls too! Girl stuff- shopping, dancing, drinking and it's totally fine.

But that's just me, I htink you should sit down wioth your FI and tell him what your comfortable with. And I like how you are phrasing it that way it doesn't seem like your setting rules. Good luck!