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Hi Bees,
I wanted to ask your advice on something non-wedding related, although getting married to my fiance has definitely brought this dilemma to the forefront of my mind.
I have been with my wonderful fiance for 5 years now, and he is the love of my life. We are getting married next year and I cannot wait to be his wife. I adore him and I know he adores me too.
During our time together, we have been through some pretty hard times, but have always come through them fine together. However, there is one thing that I've never spoken to my fiance about, and now that we will be saying vows to each other and spending the rest of our lives together, something tells me that we should have no secrets anymore...
Right at the beginning of our relationship, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was completely devastated as my dad has always been 'the rock' of the family, sorting out everyone else's problems etc, and it was just so scary, sad and life-altering to suddenly realise that he was vulnerable. I was really shaken by the news, and to make matters worse, literally the day after I found out, I was due to start a new career which I had spent the last 6 months organising (i,e I had a major career change).
My fiance (who has never known his dad) really didn't know how to help me, and as much as I loved him, just couldn't give me the support I needed. I wanted someone to hold me and help me and reassure me, and he kinda withheld and went quiet and didn't really know what to do. Obviously, I understand why that was now, but at the time, I just felt incredibly frustrated and alone because I didn't get what I needed from him, and I was miles away from my family. Although I wanted to go home and help my mum look after my dad long-term, they categorically told me that they would feel worse if I gave up my new job, and so, that week, I went abroad for a fortnight on an initial training course for my new job.
The entire time I was there, I was in a daze. I had to be 'on form' and networking, meeting all these people, training etc - and of course, no-one knew what had recently happened, so I just had to put a brave face on it.
During my time there, I met a guy on the course who had faced leukaemia himself as a teenager, and we got talking. Because he had 'been there', he was able to offer me some support and guidance, and we became good friends in the short time we were together.
To be honest, I was so numb and 'on another planet' I was quite happy for it to stay that way, but it was obvious that this guy wanted more. The last night we were there, there was a huge party and everyone got hammered. Without really wanting to, I ended up sleeping with this guy (horrible, it makes me cringe just to think about it now). It was the biggest mistake of my life. And I hate myself for it every single day. Nothing more happened between me and this guy, and we quickly lost touch, but for months afterward, I felt disgusting and awful about the whole thing.
I thought about telling my fiance, but knew that, because our relationship was already pretty rocky at that point, that telling him would be the end for us, and I really didn't want that.
4 years on, I still worry about it... and now sometimes I wonder if, when I'm looking up into his eyes on our wedding day, saying vows to him, that they'll always be this part of me that will be a dark, horrible secret.
Do you think I should tell him?? Have you been in a similar situation?
Please help... I'm so confused and just feel awful about the whole thing... my instinct is to tell him and just have no secrets between us, but I can't bear the thought of hurting him....
Please help, Bees... x
You are going to get a very split vote on this I suspect.
I say no.
You will do no one any good to tell him, other than relieve your own conscience. Its been 4 years and as long as you have never even come close to cheating again keep it to yourself. Telling him will only hurt him and your relationship at this point. Its been a long time.
Ask yourself, "what good will come of it at this point?" "What will it change?"
If I were your fiance, I would not want to know at this point. To know would only make him question the relationship and where you are going. And if you truley are repentent and it was a real accident, move on.
I think that your fi deserves the truth, and that as an added "plus" it will make you feel better to get it off your chest.
I think that if the past 4 years have been completely clean and wonderful, that is a testament to how bad of a place you were in when you slipped.
Good luck with this very difficult decision.
(ETA) I'm doing something I haven't done before on these boards. I'm changing my vote. I'm quick to have a zero tolerance policy on admitting to cheating (forgiveness or staying is up to the individual), but after thinking more about it, I think the timing in your case weighs heavily. It was at the beginning, it's been 5 years, it's not a pattern~ don't tell him. Forgive yourself and enjoy your life together.
It was right at the beginning of your relationship. Forgive yourself and keep it to yourself.
I cannot imagine any scenario in which disclosure would work well for this relationship.
This is really a tough one. I feel for you. I don't know what to suggest. PPs have made good arguments for both choices. Perhaps you should make a list with the pros and cons of each decision and use that to help guide your decision.
@UKBuzz:If you want to end your relationship, tell him. I think it was so long ago, you learned your lesson, move on! It's not relevant.
You wouldnt be coming clean for him, youd be coming clean for yourself because of the guilt you feel, I say don't tell him, that past is the past it happend and lets move forward. When you marry him and you start your NEW life together nothing else will matter
Hope this Helps
Good luck keep us posted
I vote yes. I don't believe in relationships built on lies.
To me it does not matter if it was 6 weeks ago or 6 years ago. You cheated, no excuse.
You will always have this gnawing at the back of your mind.
I think it comes down to if you can live with it. If you're going to carry this guilt and it is going to be at the forefront of your mind, then you need to tell him. But you have to be prepared for the fallout.
If you were going to tell him you should have done so right after. I wouldnt now. Its to past the point and there is no reason to stir up the past. Why is it that you cannot get past this? I feel like you obvioulsy seem like you feel bad you learned your lesson. Will you do it again? If your answer is hell no, then dont tell him move on with your life!!
No.
If you tell him, all you will be doing is hurting him in an attempt to make yourself feel better.
Disclosure in a situation like this is just selfishness (harsh = yes, but I don't know how else to say it, sorry)
@UKBuzz: Ask your FI hypothetically IF he would want to know. I have already asked my FI if he would want to know if i cheated..lied.. etc. So far, he said if it is a full on affair he would want to know.. but if it was a one time one night thing and the guy is gone forever he wouldnt want to know. Ask you FI. Keep the convo light so there is nothing to suspect and also ask if he would tell you. By his response you will know what he wants and what the "right thing" for him would be. My personal vote is 'no' but if your FI wants to know..tell him.
Whilst it was a long time ago, and I agree with previous posters on this topic. I wouldn't want it to eat you up for the rest of your life together. I vote tell him. But I don't know what I'd do if it were me.
DO. NOT. TELL. HIM!!!!
No good will come of it. Get counseling if you need for yourself, to over come this and put it away in your mind forever. If you truly love him and only want the best for him, telling him will only tear at his heart and may possibly ruin the trusting and loving relationship you two have.
You made a mistake, in the big scheme of things it's really not a big deal, you are remorseful, it was years ago. Let it go.....
I think you should tell him. Be prepared for him not to forgive you and to end it. He may feel the relationship has been built on lies... and maybe you do to, since you feel guilty about it.
This is really tough, but he deserves to know the truth.
I'm totally in two minds about something like this.
I think it's something that will eat away at your conscience. On the one hand I feel that he deserves to know everything about you before he commits to spending the rest of his life with you.
On the other I agree with PP's, that after all this time it will only serve to hurt him. If you're truly sorry, and feel you'll never be tempted to stray again, then maybe you should try and forget it ever happened and move on from it.
It's going to be tough, but I wish you luck with whatever you decide.
Her relationship isn't "built on lies." I never understand when people say this. Clearly their relationship is built on love. This incident was a one time thing that didn't mean anything to her. It was a mistake, she was drunk, and it's four years later.
OP, Do not tell him.
I dont have the answer for you, and neither do any of the other bees on here.
Just ask yourself this...
If the roles were reversed, would you want to know?
If you say no, essentially you only want the man you are marrying to love you for what he knows, not what he doesn't know.
What do you value most in a relationship?
each message on here has its point for sure, but i dont agree that just "forgetting" it is the real answer. If it was me i would HAVE to come clean but would have done it long ago. I think you have let it ride too long, but obviously your relationship has come this far and you two are doing very well. In the beginning i woud have said TELL HIM!BUT!! i am going to go with dont tell him. When you look into his eyes on your wedding day, dont even for a mintue put it in your head that you will feel guilty and think about that night, look into his eyes and really see who you will be spending your life with, and when your vows are said, mean them and leave your life prior to that moment behind you. whatever you do i wish you the best. good luck
@Baileyh: That's exactly what has me confused... if I put myself in his shoes, I would want to know. But that's from my own experience learning that my dad had cheated on my mom (but he was leaving his family for another relationship, so... different than OP's situation). So part of says tell and the other says "What good would it really do?" She's honest now and has been for all these years. Is it really worth it at this point?
i voted NO usully i advocate honestly butthis was a long time ago u were in a very difficult place and i dont think this behaviour is a reflection of ure character generally
I would not want to know in this situation, so I don't think you should tell him. I don't think much good will come of telling him.
I'm going to say thing that I've read elsewhere: telling him is selfish.
Telling him would probably devastate him.
Telling him would probably make you feel better.
If this is not affecting your relationship today and you can't fathom it ever happening again, I think it's better to carry the burden of this yourself and not throw it into your fiance's shoulders.
That is hard. I think, the advice Baileyh gave is the best. Decide if FI had cheated on you once 5 years ago, if you would want to know or not.
I do think I would want to know. It would be hard yes, but I am a firm believer in total honesty, because if you can't be honest with your SO, especially if you are getting married and plan to spend your life together, who can you be honest with? The other thing to me is, however unlikely, would you want your SO to find out from someone else about it than from you?
It is a tough situation and I pray the best of luck to you whatever you decide.
@delirium.megans: You are absoultely correct--- their relationship is not built on lies! I think that's a terrible thing to say.
@Baileyh: I agree with your advice about role reversal.
@OP- Trust your gut. Best wishes.... hugs
You are the one who made the mistake- it's your burden to carry. Telling him does nothing but help you feel better by making him feel worse.
This is the love of your life right? My thought is this, you should not go into a life long commitment with the person you trust the most with out honesty. Wouldn't you want the same respect. You trust him to be honest don't you. I don't know I'm in that situation so it's easy to say as an outsider. Good luck though, I hope it all works out for you.
I was in a similar situation with someone I was engaged to several years ago. I told him and it basically destroyed our relationship. It was a huge betrayal to him. We lasted another year and a half (6 1/2 years we were together total). I told him a week after it happened. He said he appreciated me having the courage to tell him and would rather know than not. It would have eaten away at me if I didn't.
Also, keep in mind that being drunk is kind of a non-factor in this situation. It really doesn't matter.
If you want to come clean, it will most likely destroy all trust and possibly your relationship. If you don't, you will possibly feel terrible about it forever.
I've been there and I know it doesn't feel good. Best of luck to you.
@regberadaisy: THIS is what I wanted to say. If he loves you, and he really wants to make it work, he'll deal with it. He may not be all sunshine and bunny farts about it, but he deserves to know. It is NOT okay to lie to your spouse.
I think this is a situation where if you don't tell him, it'll be on your conscience probably forever. That being said, I think telling him would be severely detrimental to your relationship, more so now because you've kept this secret for so long. I'm sure his thought process would be "She's hid this for so long, what else is he hiding?"
I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just want to give a bit more perspective.
I think the best temporary answer would be to talk it out to someone - a therapist or psychologist might be best... talking it out might be all you need to do, and from there, maybe you could be given some guidance.
It's a tough situation either way, and I wish you luck.
@vmblai1019: I disagree with this. He may want to make it work, but just can't get past it.
Or he may have a non-negotiable rule like many bees here that say you cheat, I leave despite the circumstances involved.
Sometimes I truley believe honest is not the best policy if it only serves to hurt something/someone and it is not going to happen again.
If my fiance cheated on my when we first started dating and it has never been an issue since I would not want to know at this point. If he did it last week in the first year of our marriage, yes I would want to know because the two situations are not the same.
I think if you were going to tell him, you should have already. I think that this long later, it doesn't make sense. Its not who you are, or what your relationship is. Telling him would make you feel better, but just cause a ton of other problems. I think you need to forgive yourself and not look for someone else (your FI) to do it for you. THen you need to forget and move on with your new life and the person you love and trust and have no secrects from, from this day on.
I think telling him would be really selfish. Assuming it was a one-time-never-to-be-done-again - then all you are doing is assuaging your guilt.
I don't think you should tell him but it would be REALLY bad if he found out from someone else. That possibility would scare the crap out of me and keep me up at night.
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