- 6 years ago
I wanted to ask your advice on something non-wedding related, although getting married to my fiance has definitely brought this dilemma to the forefront of my mind.
I have been with my wonderful fiance for 5 years now, and he is the love of my life. We are getting married next year and I cannot wait to be his wife. I adore him and I know he adores me too.
During our time together, we have been through some pretty hard times, but have always come through them fine together. However, there is one thing that I’ve never spoken to my fiance about, and now that we will be saying vows to each other and spending the rest of our lives together, something tells me that we should have no secrets anymore…
Right at the beginning of our relationship, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was completely devastated as my dad has always been ‘the rock’ of the family, sorting out everyone else’s problems etc, and it was just so scary, sad and life-altering to suddenly realise that he was vulnerable. I was really shaken by the news, and to make matters worse, literally the day after I found out, I was due to start a new career which I had spent the last 6 months organising (i,e I had a major career change).
My fiance (who has never known his dad) really didn’t know how to help me, and as much as I loved him, just couldn’t give me the support I needed. I wanted someone to hold me and help me and reassure me, and he kinda withheld and went quiet and didn’t really know what to do. Obviously, I understand why that was now, but at the time, I just felt incredibly frustrated and alone because I didn’t get what I needed from him, and I was miles away from my family. Although I wanted to go home and help my mum look after my dad long-term, they categorically told me that they would feel worse if I gave up my new job, and so, that week, I went abroad for a fortnight on an initial training course for my new job.
The entire time I was there, I was in a daze. I had to be ‘on form’ and networking, meeting all these people, training etc – and of course, no-one knew what had recently happened, so I just had to put a brave face on it.
During my time there, I met a guy on the course who had faced leukaemia himself as a teenager, and we got talking. Because he had ‘been there’, he was able to offer me some support and guidance, and we became good friends in the short time we were together.
To be honest, I was so numb and ‘on another planet’ I was quite happy for it to stay that way, but it was obvious that this guy wanted more. The last night we were there, there was a huge party and everyone got hammered. Without really wanting to, I ended up sleeping with this guy (horrible, it makes me cringe just to think about it now). It was the biggest mistake of my life. And I hate myself for it every single day. Nothing more happened between me and this guy, and we quickly lost touch, but for months afterward, I felt disgusting and awful about the whole thing.
I thought about telling my fiance, but knew that, because our relationship was already pretty rocky at that point, that telling him would be the end for us, and I really didn’t want that.
4 years on, I still worry about it… and now sometimes I wonder if, when I’m looking up into his eyes on our wedding day, saying vows to him, that they’ll always be this part of me that will be a dark, horrible secret.
Do you think I should tell him?? Have you been in a similar situation?
Please help… I’m so confused and just feel awful about the whole thing… my instinct is to tell him and just have no secrets between us, but I can’t bear the thought of hurting him….
Please help, Bees… x