Post # 1
Hi, I could really use some advice. My brother is gay, but has not come out to anyone in my family except my parents and me. He wants to bring his boyfriend of many years to my September wedding, and this is perfectly fine with me, but I’ve asked him not to come out for the first time at my wedding (I guess I want to hog all of the attention, lol).
He understands the situation, but is very nervous about coming out, especially to my grandparents. He’s worried they’ll be disappointed. He also doesn’t seem to think that coming to the wedding without his boyfriend is an option.
How should I handle this situation? I would love to give him good, supportive advice, but I can’t guarantee how the older portion of my family will react. It doesn’t help that he’s been living in New York for the past 3 years and so nobody has seen him in person for a very long time! I know my grandparents ask about him often and miss him and are upset that they haven’t heard from him in so long. Should I be encouraging him to come out? Should I tell him I think it would be better if he came to the wedding by himself? I don’t want him to be ashamed of who he is, but as I said, I can’t guarantee what will happen.
The selfish part of me wants to avoid this drama on my wedding day!!!
Post # 3
Well I think first of all (and I think you’d agree)… your relationship with your brother and supporting him is more important than taking some attention away at your wedding. That being said I don’t think its unreasonable for him to ask him to not make an announcement or anything at your wedding.
I don’t really know how these things work… but its my understanding that it isn’t like he needs to have a party with everyone he knows and make a speech. When he’s ready he could probably just allow you and your fam to kind of “spread the word.” Your wedding would be the first time they’d see him and I”m sure there might be some talk from some judgment fam members but whatever. There is no family without drama.
Post # 4
Only he will know if he’s ready to come out, but if he is ready to bring a male date to an event, it sounds like he’s maybe at the point where he’s ready to be honest with your family. My best friend came out to his grandparents in a letter because he was too nervous to talk to them face-to-face… they ended up being so supportive and they adore his partner.
I understand that you don’t want him to come out at your wedding, but I don’t think you can ask him not to bring his partner. I think that to him, that may seem like a slap in the face, like he’s somehow different than anyone else at your wedding who has brought a date.
You could always offer to be there with him when he comes out if he wants the moral support!
Post # 5
I also totally agree with PP that he doesn’t need to personally tell everyone in your family. I think telling your grandparents is more than enough, and you guys can just be open about it if anyone else asks.
Post # 6
Yeah he should definitely let the grandparents know BEFORE the wedding. Is there any other family event, birthday, reunion, something coming up where he can tell them face to face? Can your parents help tell them? I think it would be super awkward for everyone if he just shows up with his boyfriend at the wedding and they have no idea – talk about everyone feeling nervous! But I think he should definitely being the boyfriend – just tell the grandparents first, in some way.
Post # 7
Old people wont figure it out- they will just think “isnt that nice that Carson brought his friend”.. it still is a dont ask dont tell world. Does he have to make an announcement?
Post # 8
i would ask him to come out to your family before bringing his bf to your wedding. i don’t know your family, but it sounds like it could make a scene and that is definitely something you want to avoid. i would just ask him to call your grandparents and tell them. they can spread the word to everyone else.
Post # 9
@kitzy: I totally disagree unless HE wants to come out. People see what they want to see. No big announcement needed unless he wants to.
Post # 10
That is definitely a tough one. If it was my brother, I would ask him to come out as soon as possible. It will allow some time for the family to get over the shock, so that when he sees them again, they’ll be more ready to accept that he’s gay and hopefully they’ll just be happy to see him. Let them get all their gossipping out early so he can still have a great time at your wedding.
If he can’t make it to see your family before the wedding, maybe you should offer to set up a Skype session with your parents so that you can be there to support your brother while he tells them and it’s not as impersonal as a phone call. I would let your parents spread the word once he comes out to them.
Post # 11
@retreadbride: You have a good point. This is only if he feels ready to come out.
Post # 12
This is definitely a tough situation. I would ask your brother to come out to your grandparents before the wedding, if he is ready. I think it would be a little inappropriate for your brother to come out at your wedding.
In my situation, FI’s brother is gay and his parents know but are not happy about it. Our wedding will be the first family funtion where he will bring his partner and Fiance and I are very supportive of this. However, his parents are not!! We’ve taken the position that we welcome him bringing his partner as he is an important part of his life and we will not ask his brother to uninvite him.
I hope everything works out and that your brother works up the courage to come out to your grandparents before your wedding.