"Coming out" to my parents about my FI and I (really long… so sorry)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@sarahboom:  I’m sorry that you are going through this and I hope that your family softens about your decision at some point.

Post # 4
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Thank you for writing this … I’m going to state the obvious and say this situation is so tough – where do we draw the line between following tradition and following our own path? I unfortunately have no advice, although I know you aren’t asking for any. I whole-heartedly agree that a marriage is not between two people, but also their families. All I can offer are my well wishes and my thoughts! All the best, and I look forward to a positive update 🙂

Post # 5
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I am so sorry, I wish you the best of luck! Hopefully your parents, although it will be really hard for them as well as you, will come around and support you. Just keep showing them what a wonderful guy he is, how he can provide for you and love you.

Post # 7
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@sarahboom:  You are certainly in a tough situation. I fully understand that your community and faith are very important to you and are a part of your identity.

Kudos to your fiance for being willing to convert. 

Because I’ve never been in your situation, I can’t really offer any solid advise but this:

Hold your breath and tear the bandaid off. You are in America – the land of the free. Your parents brought you here for the opportunities that our country has. 

I’m going to be a bit political here and say that if anyone expects to move here but still live as though they are in their former country, they shouldn’t really be here. This country is fundamentally founded on the freedom of religion. And if your family can’t support you and your decision to marry the man you choose… well, then, they are un-American. And it is unfuriating because it puts others (like yourself) in a very uncomfortable position.

Your fiance is the person whom you will make your own family with. And if you love him, and can’t imagine your life without him, then I truly do hope your family will support you and eventually find peace with it. He is not a bad person because he is not a born-Muslim.

Post # 8
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As a white Muslim girl (I converted on my own accord) I feel for you. If you don’t understand the Muslim culture (and through the Paki in it, it must be difficult too!) then it will be very hard for your future husband to understand. It is very nice that he is willing to convert to Islam but remember he must do it for himself – not for you or your marriage. 

I am engaged to a non-Muslim man and also face the possibility of it not being Islamically accepted. I just feel (and maybe it’s my American upbringing and the fact I converted) that Allah would want me to be with this man. Allah made us fall in love and only Allah can judge me. Why would Allah allow you to meet someone so wonderful only to make it feel like it’s wrong? 

Your family may take some time to come around. They may make you feel like an outsider, tell you that you’re being haram, etc. – but give them time. Don’t force it on them, don’t force your finacee on them. Let them figure out how they feel. 

Good luck. I will say dua for you and insh’Allah thins will work out sooner or later. 

Post # 9
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry, this must be so difficult for you. I have no real advice because I’ve never been in your situation, but you have my support and sympathy and I really, really hope this turns out well for you. Also congratulations on your engagement and your (almost) PhD! That’s really quite an accomplishment.

Post # 11
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I think the fact that your FI is going to convert says a lot about his character and love for you. Hopefully this will make a big impact on your parents. Keep steering the conversation back to this point- he’s not going to try to take your culture away, he’s going to embrace it.

Post # 12
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@sarahboom:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope that even if your parents cannot accept your relationship now that they will come to accept and embrace it sooner rather than later. Best of luck with telling them! I think if your guy keeps showing how much he loves you and how well he treats you, they have to start loving him on some level because that is every parent’s dream: that their child is happy and with someone who respects them and treats them well!

Post # 13
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@sarahboom:  My family isn’t quite as harsh as yours, but also really push the idea of marrying within our own race. My sister married a black man! My mom cried, my aunts begged her not to “ruin her life,” some relatives refused to come to the wedding. You know what though? They all came around. Everyone enjoys the company of my BIL and they absolutely adore their children! I married a blonde haired blue eyed good ole southern boy and my whole family just loves him. After a few of us started to marry people who aren’t Armenian and our family saw that it wasn’t the end of the world it all became okay. Now they don’t even blink an eye at the different raced bfs my cousins bring home 🙂 Talk to your mom, she loves you, and I hope she comes around.

Post # 14
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@sarahboom:  I had a friend who went through this (she is first generation and her parents are Egyptian) and although there was never any talk about an arranged marriage, they did not approve of her marriage.

Some things to consider when you tell them:

-They may be EXTREMELY angry at first, but that is just a gut reaction. Let them cool off before you try and pressure them into acceptance. The more you push, the more they dig their heels in and refuse to accept it.

– Let them ask as many questions as they want. Everything from his upbringing, to your future children and such. It sounds like you thought through most of their concerns. Instead of forcing them upon your parents, let them ask (possibly accuse) you of their fears (like losing your religion/culture)

Her father cut off contact, but her mother and brother continued talking to her. Although she couldn’t go home for holidays, she didn’t lose her entire family. I hope everything works out for you.

Post # 16
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@sarahboom:  I will be praying for you and your family’s understanding.

I understand tradition and why it works. I also know that moving to North America (I assume for safety from civil war? Or??) makes you more likely to marry someone from a different background. If your parents are rational they should hopefully come around. My dad once swore he’d disown me for something I did and he didn’t follow through with his threat. I wish you luck!

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