Coming up on 4 years and the resentment is setting in from waiting – thoughts?

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 3
    Member
    363 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    “mentioned that we had different ideals and wants in life (due to the lack of committment)”

    I think you hit the nail here. It sounds like he doesn’t want to get married (to you or, probably, nobody). His lack of wanting to talk about such an important topic -for you, your son and your future- is a HUGE red flag! I mean, I understand not feeling “prepared” or wanting to save money, but not being able to discuss timelines, goals, etc. is just alarming.

    I would suggest that you try and discuss it again, but this time, focus on making him speak about what he wants. You don’t need to be nagging him, but you have to let him know this is important for you, your son and your future together. Insist if he says he is postponing marriage because of money (How much money would you like to have before proposing? What if we start a savings acount? etc.). You need answers and you need them now.

    Also, question yourself…would you be okay if he never wants to marry? Would that be a dealbreaker? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    bbb1991 :  I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am not one for ultimatums either and I totally get where you’re coming from with not wanting to end it either! That’s not what you want. Unfortunately it sounds like your man needs a little “help”. Here is what I would do. You outline a plan and draw a “line in the sand”- your own timeline for you to get on with your life without him. This wont be easy to do, and only you can determine at what point is enough waiting (could be 6 months, could be a year). There is no need for you to be stuck in limbo the rest of your life. I know you love him, and it is clear your intent to marry him is honorable and strong! You deserve that feeling back. 

    This is what I suggest as your game plan. Do something big without him. Such as school, small business venture, moving somewhere you want, etc. You decide what that is, and choose something YOU have always wanted to do. Then you let him know like this: (example) “I am looking forward to going to X location in the fall again to finish school and live there. I just want to let you know that is where my heart is, and I will be happy if you join me, and I very much desire to move forward with you to the next step, but if you are not in the same boat I am letting you know that’s where I’ll be.”

    Hearing this will either spark one of two responses- either he will immediately jump and go, what?? No, stay with me, I want to move ahead! Or he will do nothing. The hard part is if he does nothing or is nonchalant with his “someday” response, it might be time to move on. I know that is a terrible feeling and I hope he gets his game together because you deserve the best! 

    I hope this helps, if you need to talk to someone feel free to reach out. I know exactly how you feel. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    bbb1991 :  I am lucky with the man I am marrying I am not in this boat. He told me after two weeks he wanted to marry me. We are getting married this fall. However I have been down that road before with two past serious relationships and I realized I wouldn’t wait anymore. I also was cheated on, (no fun at all). 

    Nursing school is a lot of work! Congrats for doing that, my mom did it. That will definitely occupy your time. I would take some time before then and have a girls trip, or a trip with you best friend/ mom, etc. Do it without him. Don’t do it out of spite, but do it for you. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1876 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    bbb1991 :  I wouldn’t bring it up anymore, you’ve asked enough and so far this has been a one sided talk. You are always bringing it up, he has not even mentioned it at least once on his own. He doesn’t need “help”, that would be more annoying. 

    You’ve already stated that you are set on November. If November he doesn’t propose, then move out and stand firm. DON’T make an issue of it nearing November… or you are begging. 

    I get it’s hard. However, his words ARE matching his actions. He hasn’t stated or shown you that he wants to get married. There are no actions towards marriage. 

    During the next 6 months you do need to focus more on yourself. As mentioned above, yes take classes, get a hobby, but no drama of “oh, I’m looking to move to this city..” he’ll see right through that. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    630 posts
    Busy bee

    You are plenty young enough but you and he have been having two separate relationships. You’re not on the same page with each other. You are far more committed than him. It’s setting up a terrible power play between the two of you. Also, did you say that he pays *more* of the mortgage– meaning you pay some of the mortgage without your name being on the deed and he bought the house since you’ve been together? That plus 4 years and an expressed desire from you to be married along with tears of resentment and he still doesn’t care would all be enough for me. I’d walk. 

    You consider him your partner in life. He considers you his tenant with benefits. Sorry, bee 🙁 You’re worth so much more. As far as I can see the only thing you two have in common is you both care more about him than about you. You’ve been patient and selfless. He’s shown no concern for the long-term security of you and your son. He’s looking out for himself first and foremost. It’s high time you do the same.  

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    434 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I think it’s good you set your walk date. You two are in different places. Good for you for going to nursing school!! It will be hard and cause lots of tears, but worth it in the end!! 

    Post # 11
    Member
    4486 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    You are on waaay different pages here.  He’s also lying to you — money is NOT the issue here, and I’ll tell you why.  My husband proposed when he was earning less than $20,000 per year.  He was a student at the time.  We got married when we were both transitioning jobs.  Money was tight but we made it work.  Him making over $100,000 in the Midwest?  There’s no excuse for him not being able to afford an engagement ring.  That is him making excuses and stringing you along.

    I know you love him.  I get it.  But you have to look at this from the outside.  He isn’t being 100% truthful with you.  Is that someone you really want to marry?

    Post # 12
    Member
    471 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - My parents' back yard

    bbb1991 :  You are still very young and four years really isn’t as long as you feel like it is. my DH proposed at 5 years and looking back I really don’t even know why I was in such a rush. We get so caught up in what others are doing. Are you happy in the relationship besides that?

    2 years in is way too soon for many people to consider marriage, so I would not read into this too much. It is not a good sign that you are adding up all the money he is spending on things he enjoys in his life and projecting that onto not buying a ring for you. You mentioned the dog more than once in your post, which is a worry. I know he is blaming it on money but in that case you need to talk about what kind of engagement/wedding you both would be happy with when you are both in the right space.

    The red flag is that he is uncomfortable with the topic. I would be curious about what he actually wanted longterm if you had a calm, honest discussion. It sounds like you have made it clear as to what you want and you are already starting to nag and sound a little unhinged. I’m sorry if I am out of line here, but some of your behaviour sounds really emotionally manipulative. It is going to have the opposite effect of what you want.

    It’s great that you are doing some things for yourself. It’s probably best to focus on this and the great things about your relationship for a while. It is your choice to become a ‘negative’ or ‘cold’ person. Honestly I really don’t see what difference a year makes in the big picture if you really do love this person.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4486 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Bunnyang :  I completely disagree with you.  2 years may seem too short to you, however for other people it is just right.  I married my husband about 20 months after our first date.  We loved each other and we knew we both wanted marriage, so we got engaged after a year and married 8 months later.  It worked for us, but that doesn’t mean it would work for everyone else.  This guy is 29 and has been with her for 4 years.  That is plenty of time to know if he wants a long term commitment.

    Post # 14
    Member
    471 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - My parents' back yard

    ljm308 :   I’m really happy it worked out for you and your DH, that’s awesome that you knew right away and that everything worked out – congratulations. 🙂

    I maintain that for some people 2 years is not nearly enough time (23/26 is considered quite young for marriage in many cases), and even at this point, this couple have been together less than 4 years, settling and adjusting into a life together with her young child, a new house, working out shared finances and 2 dogs.  I think each situation is different. There can’t be a set time that applies to everyone.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4486 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Bunnyang :  And that’s well and good but the fact remains that she is ready for commitment/marriage and he is not.  That is a major flaw in their relationship.  It doesn’t matter if they have been together for 6 months or 6 years, he very obviously isn’t on the same page and if she wants marriage this isn’t the man to give that to her.  Yeah they started dating in their early to mid 20’s, but they aren’t that age anymore.  He is almost 30.  She’s in her mid 20’s.

    I personally think it is dangerous for someone, especially someone in this type of situation, that it’s ok and it will change and they are too young to make that decision…and here’s why: she could hold onto hope that he will change his mind, then another 4 years goes by and he still hasn’t committed.  Then she IS 30 and all of a sudden realizes that he never would be the guy she wants him to be and he will never commit to her.

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