Coming up on 4 years and the resentment is setting in from waiting – thoughts?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 31
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    If he makes 120k a year, he has plenty leftover to buy a ring and more dogs. 

    I think you’ve got to give him the ultimatum. You either decide now or you pack up and move. You guys are just roommates at this point. It’ll be terrible for your son who thinks of him as a father figure, but what can you do? You want different things in life and it is better sooner than later. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    op – just stop paying his mortgage, please.

    Post # 33
    Member
    118 posts
    Blushing bee

    bbb1991 :  Everyone is different, and I know a lot of users on this site see 26 as young, including some PPs on this thread. However, I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t be willing to wait that long for a marriage commitment either, and we’re the same age (I’m 27). When you want children within the confines of marriage, especially if you want more than one, then age and time are huge factors. 

    I think having a walk date and avoiding pressuring him are good ideas. Everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship that fulfills them. If marriage is a need you have to be fulfilled in a committed relationship, but he doesn’t have that same need, you may not be compatible. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    8880 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    His brother is his beneficiary even though you live together and you have a child.

    he is buying things, just not a ring.

    i know this hurts, but his actions are speaking for him. You shouldn’t feel like a beggar.

    And as always, my biggest issue with these kinds of delays isn’t that he might not want to get married. It’s that he won’t tell you that, it’s how he disregards your needs and feelings, and how the two of you don’t seem to be able to communicate productively about getting married, which doesn’t bode well for being married. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    4484 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Why are you not his beneficiary? My husband and I made each other our beneficiaries the moment we moved in together (3 years before we got married). You have absolutely no protection this way if something happens to him. And you have a child you have to look out for? This would not fly with me at all. 

    His actions are speaking loud and clear. He is not as invested in this relationship as you are. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    568 posts
    Busy bee

    bbb1991 :  “I refuse to tell him why because at this point I feel like I am begging.”

    NO NO NO NO NO. Sharing your feelings with someone you want to spend THE REST of your life with is not begging. I know it may seen obvious to YOU, but some people really do not see what the big deal is about marriage. You (and myself personally) are not one of those people. Maybe he already feels like you are married, and doesnt see the need to legally have it documented. Whatever his reason, you HAVE to let him know that marriage is important to YOU, in a calm, serious, mature conversation. Not a random burst of crying, but a planned, controlled conversation. Let him know this is weighing on you, and that you ARE NOT begging him to marry you, but you are simply sharing YOUR FEELINGS. Let him know you personally are ready to take that step, and ask him where he stands on the issue. It is OKAY if someone is ready before the other person if you have the same longterm goals, but this is something you need to talk about. Try not to threaten or guilt the other person, but I think its a bad idea to hide your feelings and continue to build resentment. 

     

     

    Post # 37
    Member
    366 posts
    Helper bee

    Firstly, OP, ignore all the posters telling you that it’s much too soon for you to want marriage. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years – being ready for marriage is such an individual thing and I personally do not subscribe to the belief that there is a perfectly set amount of time for a couple to be together before marrying. What works for one couple may not work for another. Your feelings are valid.

    However, if you do want to approach it statistically, there is plenty of advice and research from psychiatrists, therapists, psychotherapists and relationship experts that suggests couples who dated between 2 and 2.5 years before getting married had the happiest marriages, and those who were married at or after 3 years of dating quickly divorced. Of course these aren’t hard and fast rules, and hardly the gospel. I tend to agree more with the psychotherapist in this article, who believes it’s less about a set time frame and that compatibility and lasting marriages have more to do with the range of experiences the couple goes through before tying the knot: https://www.theknot.com/content/hot-topic-how-long-should-you-date-before-getting-engaged

    Think about it: There are some couples that have been dating for a year + and still aren’t seeing each other every day, but there are some couples that move in together after a matter of months. Anyway, I’ll get off my soap box now. 🙂

    You need to sit your boyfriend down and have a “Come to Jesus” talk with him. You’re paying into his mortgage and you need to be seriously considering yours and your son’s futures. Do not give him an ultimatum, but think of the amount of time you’re willing to continue to wait (I think you said November) and simply tell him something like, “I would like to ideally be engaged by x date.” Until then, you let it go. If nothing has happened in that time frame, you can feel free to move on with your life knowing you gave him the opportunity. 5 years at your ages is plenty of time to at least get engaged.

    Post # 38
    Member
    215 posts
    Helper bee

    ellsiepig :  the son is better off in the long run. The little boy may consider this guy a father figure, but the guy doesn’t consider little boy a son figure. If he did, his brother wouldn’t be his beneficiary (have you ever heard of someone who considers themselves a parent making their adult siblings their sole beneficiary instead of their children? I haven’t.) That speaks volumes. However, the timing is right around the cut off of acceptable for an arrangement like this. I know that in contemporary times, 5 years is still an acceptable amount of time to date before marriage. So it still might be alright, except his lack of comfort with the topic. 

     Also, OP? He makes a lot of money. If money is an issue (which it’s not in his case, just for argument sake), he’s fiscally irresponsible. The issue is he makes too much money, feels he has too much to lose, and doesn’t trust you or the lasting power of your relationship. 

    When it’s time to leave (I agree with your timeline), if you need help conjuring up anger just think of him using your rent money to solidify his superior financial status and his lack of regard for your son’s security, that ought to do it. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    513 posts
    Busy bee

    bbb1991 : There are a couple of huge red flags in your post. You have a child that calls him dad but he hasn’t made you or this child his beneficiary? In addition, the fact that he bought a house after you two had been together for so long and it’s “his” house? My husband and I were together for 4 years when we got engaged but I knew with 100% certainty that he wanted to marry me. We talked about the future together, we considered the house he had purchased before we met our house, etc. I hate to say it, but I don’t think he wants to marry you and I don’t think he is as committed to you as you are to him. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    2281 posts
    Buzzing bee

    bbb1991 :  I’ll so glad you are going to school! I didn’t respond before because everyone gave such good advice. But I know it’s hard to go back to school (I went back a couple years ago) and its hard to decide that, but it’s so worth it! I hope you enjoy school as much as I did. Hugs. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    434 posts
    Helper bee

    hachi : “I don’t care what anyone tells you, 2 years is TOO soon to get married. Sure, it works for a very few people, but it doesnt work for majority of the people, hence the divorce rate being so high.”

    Wow, that’s a bold claim. It’s also contradictory to a lot of the research out there. I’ve read numerous studies that point to the opposite – that 2 years is the ideal amount of time to date for the lowest divorce rate. Like this one: “In a Penn State University study called the PAIR Project, Professor Ted L. Huston followed 168 newlywed couples over fourteen years and charted each couple’s relationship satisfaction throughout. Results showed that couples that had dated an average of twenty-five months before marriage were most happily married at the conclusion of the study.” Yes, studies like this can be contested and there are other studies that show different results, but it’s pretty bold of you to make the unilateral statement that 2 years is too soon given that numerous studies actually say the opposite… 

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