(Closed) Comments from my office about open-ended engagement are wearing me down.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I think the topic will die.  People love to compare others, and they probably think that you’re jealous of her.  Keep your head high and plan the wedding that you want and can afford.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an “open ended” engagement – although I would caution having some sort of plan.  My cousin has been engaged for 10 years, and 2 kids later… they’ll never be able to save up enough money to have a big wedding (which they feel is a requirement). 

Post # 4
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You can just politely let people know you’re in no rush.  People love giving unsolicited opinions.  A lot of this probably comes from people meaning well, afraid you’re being strung along.  It’s misguided, but most likely well intended.

Post # 5
Hostess
2556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m sorry they are making comments that are getting to you!  I don’t really have any good adivce, other than to smile sweetly next time they say something & shrug it off.

Post # 6
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You should wear your wedding band to work one day, just for kicks to see what people say. 

“Oh, this? Why yes, I got married last weekend in India. Everything was covered in flowers, we ate kobe filet mignon for dinner and drank Dom Perignon, and I wore a dress entirely covered in swarovski crystals with a 10-foot train. Sorry I didn’t want to share any details, but I was afraid [coworker] would be jealous because her wedding was so simple in comparison. And of course, I didn’t want to inadvertantly make you think anyone’s wedding is any lesser than anybody else’s by making snide comments.”

Post # 7
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@anemonie:  Hahaha! That just made me chuckle out loud.

I agree with abirdword that it’s just people doing something that makes them feel good and not meant to be any sort of dig at you. It will probably die down on its own, especially since it’s not something you ever talk about yourself. If it does continue unabated over time, you could say something to the effect that you feel your wedding is a private and personal topic that you’d rather not discuss at work. That’s a reasonable and professional expectation and doesn’t have you commenting on a specific type of comment or whatever. Just a thought. (((Hugs))) 

Post # 9
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@anemonie:  That is the best comment I have read in a very very long time, a great idea too 🙂 I second that motion. However, if you do this please update this thread, I would love to hear their comments after a stunt like this. I bet no one would dare ask you one more question about your wedding plans if you did this.

I am having some of your troubles, but no one is saying hurtful comments – I just keep telling them one day I will just be married, instead of single. No one had been hurtful though –

Post # 10
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

i think you need to turn it around to these people when they make these comments like”im sorry, why would you say that?” Make them realise what a shitty thing it is to say!

Post # 11
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@FutureMrsLAL:  I would def do that with the wedding band, especially since you said they are not invited to your wedding.  

I didnt particularly care to share all the personal details of my life with my (now ex) coworkers so I didn’t come in and annouce my engagment.  I just marched in with a ring on my finger.  No one even noticed it til about lunch time and then my cubicle was ambushed by women and everyone flinging advice and stuff.  I kinda politely nodded them off. 

Great thing is though that they all just didn’t bug me about it again since I wasn’t all gushy and shared stuff and what not.  So I think in your case it will die down and if it doesn’t then just continue to ignore it.

As far as the wedding band maybe no one will notice.  My guy and I were legally married three days after he gave me the ring. There are a multitude of reasons why, and we are still having a ceremony for family on the other side of the country next year.  They are all super excited for it even though they know we are already married.  I wore my plain matching wedding band to work for a whole week before anyone noticed.  It was almost more satisfaction that it was someone who had been bugging me because I said boyfriend instead of FI, I just started calling him by his name.  We were sitting there doing something and she said why are you wearing two rings.  I smiled from ear to ear and said because I am already married.  It shocked everyone there but then the girl started telling everyone I was married.  Why oh why did she have to butt into my business?  They almost fainted when I said I wasn’t talking his name which only came up because she was bugging me about paperwork.

I’d just ignore their words (no matter how annoying the people are being to you) and keep on trucking.  Unless they start like insulting you in a way that it becomes an HR concern.  I’d love to hear about the moment they notice you have a wedding band.  I myself know its a pretty awesome moment lol.

Post # 12
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s absolutely nobody’s business when you decide to get married! It is very expensive and saving money takes a while. Some people just need to bring others down to feel better about themselves. 

Post # 14
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think when someone gets engaged that it is typical that wedding planning would follow. Because you are doing something that is atypical from the norm that you should expect that people will be miffed and accidentally say inappropriate things or give unwanted advice. People are stupid and they don’t think, but if you want to be polite you just have to find nice ways of avoiding their questions or changing the subject. You can’t change the behavior of others, so my advice is do not stress yourself out trying to do it.

Post # 15
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@abirdword:  +1

and  

@anemonie:  lol!

It’ll die down. It doesn’t sound like they’re deliberately malicious people, this is still just fresh and exciting to them.  It sounds like some of them are incredibly tactless, but try and ignore it.

And you could always starrt a Tumblr: “Inappropriate things my coworkers say” — I bet you’d get loads of submissions too. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Oh boy, I feel strongly on this topic. I was engaged in May of this year, and because my FI and I are a little older (him 50, me 36) and neither of us has been married before, I got constantly ambushed, not just by people at work but EVERYONE pressuring us to set a date. And in my case as well, this weas unprovoked. Unfortunately I wasn’t so great at shrugging it off myself. I was surprised that even MEN co-workers would come up to me and ask, “Did you set a date yet?” I think people were happy for me and this was well intentioned, but I think that some of it was them (like my mom) trying to make sure that my FI actually followed through being that he’s been a bachelor for a very long time. Unfortunately this had the effect of making me insecure. I can understand delaying a wedding so that you can save up for it. For us that wasn’t so much the case even though we are doing something inexpensive.

I really began to give him a hard time myself and we had a lot of spats unfortunately. Finally yesterday we set a date but I do worry about the toll that this took on our relationship.
 

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