I am having a problem with my long distance military SO. We are currently living 5 time zones away from each other, so calling is a bit tricky because he does not get off work some times until I am already asleep. Sometimes he would call me during his lunch because I’d just be getting off work, or he’d take a little break in the afternoon and call me for 5-10 minutes. His work schedule has gotten a lot more hectic so lately we have barely been able to talk during the week, just on weekends. It’s rough but I understand.
What I don’t understand is that he sometimes goes 48 hours without responding to my texts. I get that he’s exhausted but seriously, can he not send a quick goodnight, I love you? I have told him this and the behavior will change for one or two days and then slip back into the old pattern.
I don’t know what to do. I feel ignored. but I know he’s working 14 hour days or more until thanksgiving so I feel like I should cut him a lot of slack, but I kind of promised myself that I would not be in a relationship where I felt my needs were not being met.
What would you do?
Hrm this is a tricky one. I know that when husband and I were LD, I couln’t always text him back sometimes I forgot! Not that I wasn’t thinking about him, but at that particular moment in time I couldn’t respond back to his texts.
I would chat with him and let him know that it hurts when he doesn’t text back and that you would really appreciate at least a ‘good morning’ and a ‘good night’ text’ from him…no matter what time it is.
@Hippos: Yeah I have expressed that to him at least once. He tells me I’m a priority but I feel like actions speak louder than words. Then again, he calls his family so infrequently that I give them updates for him. So if you look at it that way I am definitely #1.
I go through a similar thing. My FH is a full time (really more like double full time) student and has a very high work ethic. I found myself getting really frustrated when he wouldn’t text back or we’d have a couple of days when we couldn’t talk. I took it as a hit that he didn’t want to talk to me, or I was being too needy.
Fact is: it’s stinking thinking. His responsibility is one of the (many) reasons I appreciate him. He loves me, he cares for me, and he hasn’t given up.
I heard it this way on a Christian radio marriage program. Women have a constant need for security (usually). We ask ourselves everyday, “Am I okay?” and of our husbands, “Do you still love me?” …even if it’s not verbalized. Men don’t share that need. They do, however, have a high need for success. When we nag, it tears them down and they perceive it as disrespect and a lower opinion of them.
Praying for you, ’cause I know how hard the distance is! Blessings!
a lot of people say keep reminding him. Honestly, you have done that and it HASN’T worked! just give him a break for a week and see how it goes. I know you feel sad but you know he is less busy at the end of this month so there is an end to it. If he becomes free and still doesn’t talk then you should worry about your relationship. Let him miss you, not be annoyed by the one person who is probably keeping him sane!
My DH studied in Scotland, so I totally get how difficult it is to have a time difference, different schedules, etc. However, I would not be cool with this. I mean, going 48 hours maybe once during the year he was gone would be fine, but there’s really no reason he can’t at least say “goodnight” once a day.
Right now, my DH is out of the country for 10 days. Usually, we say good morning, and then get a quick touch base at the end of the day. Not a lot of convo, but enough to know we’re thinking of one another & to let each other know we’re safe. One night, he didn’t day anything in the evening. I just messaged him something like “Sorry to be a nag, just checking in to make sure you’re okay! I worry about you when I don’t hear from you”. He TOTALLY got it, and makes a priority to not go 24 hours without contacting me. Yeah, it might be silly, but he loves me & doesn’t want me to be worried. It’s such a small gesture to expect from a guy. Maybe just blame it on concern (which may very well be part of the problem) and care rather than nagging him about ignoring you. I would hope he would get the picture.
@Lalk2bee: “Let him miss you, not be annoyed by the one person who is probably keeping him sane!” +1
You mentioned he is in the military and he is working long hours. While you may know his routine schedule, there are impromptu things that may come up, depending on what line of work he is in. Maybe he truly can’t get back to you in that period of time where you are fretting. How long have you two been together? Is this your first time being away from each other? If you two are having a serious relationship and are thinking of getting married, his time in the military will no doubt take him away from you for extended periods of time, and not just for deployment. This is just food for thought. I wouldn’t worry about his not contacting during this time, especially since you know his schedule is getting really crazy right now.
hmmm my guy would do this to me too… and I would give him a bit of slack but also tell him I needed to know he was okay for my sanity!
We have been in a LDR for 7 years and by this time he understands but he still forgets… I realized that someone in his life would tell me if he was hurt or something bad happened so if I don’t hear from him before I go to bed, I say a little prayer for his safety and hope for the best.
I also have made it a habit to txt him even though I’m not sure he’s able to read it right away. I’ll just think of something and want to tell him but I know he’s at work so before I forget, I just send him a few texts and he reads them when he can… this turns into me writing like 10 messages for every 1 he sends me but that’s okay because I still get to feel connected to him… at least a little! lol
I would just tell him how you feel… not nag… but again, let him miss you as well.
Its a tough balance and I don’t like to play games so just be honest!
@KimmySumShuga: Yeah, I ended up saying something to him and now it’s better again. I think you’re right that i should just keep texting because he says he likes it. Then again I’m keeping busy so I have not been waiting by the phone, which is good
Thanks everyone for the advice
It’s a bit late but my boyfriend and I write emails to each other every night. It definitely helps to have a set time for each other and avoids feelings of disconnection or like you’re being ignored. You don’t have to worry about time differences this way. He and I used to live 8-9 hours apart (time zone wise, 21 hours for a flight) for two years.