Post # 1
Fiance and I had an argument last night. It doesn’t happen often, it was just one of those things that happens living together. Basically… I’m disorganized, and he’s very neat – it’s wierd, actually. I’m very very good about cleaning, like with cleaning products.. dirty kitchens and bathrooms = ugh… but I’m not good about putting things away… and he’s the opposite. The clutter drives him crazy, I know, and he said something. And he was right, but I responded to the way he approached it by getting very angry and defensive (part of which is from unrelated stress, which has been making me really hyperemotional lately).
We argued, then talked more rationally when we finally realized we were angry about different things, and we’re fixing it.
What bothers me is that I had a lot of trouble verbalizing what I was angry about. I used to fight unfairly (“you always” statements, petty/irrelevant things, etc, vs. very specific things) and when I realized that behavior years ago, I worked very hard to NOT do those things. I don’t think I lapsed back into any of those patterns. I was trying to think very carefully about how I said things. But I did lay into him at one point when he was clearly trying to arrange what he had to say, when I should have given that time.
IDK if this is making sense. I’m tired and stressed and busy today. I guess I’m asking for help trying to figure out how to improve my communication skills. So I can convey my problems, and understand the other person’s, without escalating the argument. Are there any resources out there that have helped you bees?
Post # 3
I find walking away for like 5 mins to gather your thoughts helps me a lot. Obviously communicate this with him, letting him know you need a few mins. When you leave really think about how big of a deal the issue is, and what exactly was said. I tend to take things very personally and I misunderstand or make things up in my head that weren’t even conved at all. Good luck!!
Post # 4
Fiance knows just how to handle me. He’s really good about staying calm while arguing and he knows that I need to burn off and exhaust myself before I calm down enough to express myself clearly.
So he will listen to me yell and scream and offer some half-hearted arguing back at me (because I yelled at him for not yeling at me because it made me look crazy). After I calm down, we discuss things rationally and spend an hour or two cuddling.
Post # 5
((HUGS)) I’m sure you must feel bummed – I also get more upset after an argument by rehashing in my mind what I could have done better. But don’t beat yourself up, after all, you are trying. Just explain to him the same way you just explained to us and apologize if you feel you said anything out of line. You seem very sweet and self-aware and I’m sure he loves you just the way you are. Arguments are a normal and healthy (although not fun) part of any relationship and the fact you want to communicate in the best way possible is really great. I’m sure he appreciates it more than you know. Maybe you just need a stress break. I hope you feel better soon. I wish I had some advice but it really seems as though you already know the right things to do, you just made a mistake. You’re only human. Go from here and know you learned something for the next time.
Post # 6
Ask him to help remind you. My bf says I interrupt him alot (unintentially as I’m just excited to say something related or whatever). Anyways he says it bugs him alot I’ve said I’d work on it, and I do- but he claims I still fail regularly. Then I told him I honestly must not realize I do it because I’m not a dummie, I don’t want to intentially interrupt him so I said listen instead of telling me 2 weeks later that I didn’t let you finish a story raise you hand and say “babe, let me finish” and now, he does that and of course I stop talking and let him finish.
Apparently, I just need more obvious reminders, and he’s been OK at giving them so that’s what works for us…