Post # 1
I’ve had my share of issues with my future MIL and FIL and overall, they handle things very different than my family. Meaning, they freak out suddenly and then get over it, but they tend to make every step of the process a big deal. The other day my fiance and I were finalizing our guest list and we called to ask my mom to cut a few guests (she is paying for the entire wedding other than flowers and RD) and she happily cut 6. She understood it’s not personal and that not everyone can come.
We then called my FMIL/FFIL and asked them to remove ONE person from the guest list: a cousin’s boyfriend whom we have never met. This cousin and her boyfriend do not live together, are not engaged and we have never met him. Her parents, e.g. My FI’s aunt and uncle will be coming to the wedding as well so it is not as if she’d be alone. They FREAKED Out and my future father in law yelled “You shouldnt have gotten married or had a wedding if you couldnt afford it!!”
This really hurt my feelings and I would like to communicate it to him but am not sure the right way to do so? I feel hurt because my family is being very traditional and paying for the whole thing other than the two items listed above-which they insisted on. I understand boyfriends are important, and if we had met the guy, sure of course he could come but cuts do have to be made occasionally! Not to mention the cousin is 25 and he is 53, but I digress…
How can I talk to my future father in law about the way he made me feel without him roaring up again about what we can and cant afford? We do not live in a cheap area and it is hard enough to pay for a decent wedding around here as is.
Post # 2
Does he usually respond well to hearing that he’s wronged someone? If yes, I would say to go ahead and have a face to face conversation with him. Be honest with him, if seems like you value his thoughts about you and this wedding and he should know that. If not, I would recommend talking to your FI and seeing what he thinks and if he could maybe bring it up? Either way, it’s really awesome that you want to communicate how you feel. I have a very strong willed father in law and sometimes he can be hurtful so I know how you feel. Good luck!
Post # 3
I would have had your FI communicate the cut to them, and not in an “Is it okay?” way but in a “It has been done, this is to let you know if aunt and uncle call with questions.” It really is typically best to have the spouce who is related to the family communicate with that part of the family.
As far as commnicating that you are hurt, if you really want to, have FI communicate it. I will also say, I would personally let it die and just cut the BF from the list. It wouldn’t be the hill I would have the battle about them over reacting on. I tend to be very choosy about my battles though.
Post # 4
1) Why stir up this amount of trouble over ONE person? It hardly seems worth it in the grand scheme of things.
2) What on earth do their ages have to do with anything??? (the difference in their ages, that is)
3) Why does it matter if you’ve met him? He’s not YOUR boyfriend.
4) Let your FI deal with his dad. Stay out of it.
Post # 5
Misswhowedding: You’re right, and I appreciate your advice! I think I just am finally fed up with their constant comments and I guess it was mostly the FMIL before, so now I am like wow, you too! I always felt like he (FFIL) was more on my side. Thanks for your comment!!
Post # 6
Pebba1027: How can I talk to my future father in law about the way he made me feel without him roaring up again about what we can and cant afford? <br /><br /><br />
This is your fiance’s area. Let him handle it!
Post # 7
Pebba1027: I would have had your FI talk to his parents.
I think this can be a sensitive subject for many– if it’s HER parents pretesting that HE isn’t invited, seems to me that he’s a pretty decent part of the family.
I had never met my cousins gf– they live in CA, but there was no way I would not have invited her if I was inviting him.
I also think- part of the hard part of this situation, is that you’re not cutting a group of people, a family, or whatnot– it’s ONE person. I get that it costs money. But it’s hard when it’s ONE person. 6? A lot easier to understand.
We had to bite the bullet and invite a few people we didn’t necessarily want to- from my husband’s side. They paid nothing towards the wedding at all. It was easier then to get into an argument or hurt someone’s feeling.
Since your FI’s family seems to have a semi-agressive way of handling things, maybe you and your FI could sit down with them in person, and explain that it’s OK if you don’t see eye-to-eye on something– it IS afterall, OK, right? And then tell them that if they have a problem with something, you want to be able for them to communicate with you, but could they maybe choose a more productive way to do this?
It’s the kind of conversation that no one looks forward to, but at the same time, if you don’t have it sooner rather than later….these problems will continue to plague you in the future.
Post # 8
Pebba1027: The extra guest aside, your FIL was out of line to yell at you that way. Your FI needs to address this with him and tell him it is not ok. Also, this is your wedding and frankly you don’t need anyone’s ok to cut the guest list if you need to.
Post # 9
Pebba1027: I don’t agree with PP saying one person is not worth causing trouble over, and to let your FI talk to his father. Your FIL acted rudely and inappropriately and hurt your feelings, and I don’t see anything wrong with you saying to him next time you see him, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that it really hurt my feelings when you reacted so explosively and negatively to me and FI asking you to cut one member of your guestlist. My parents had to cut six of their guests to fit in our budget. You told us we should have a wedding within our budget, and the way to do that is to limit the number of guests to a certain number.”
Try being matter-of-fact and unemotional and just see how he reacts. If he apologizes, great – maybe he’ll remember next time he feels tempted to throw a tantrum that you’re not a person to be manipulated or bullied with explosions. If he blows up AGAIN, well, then you’ve learned he’s not worth the time and effort spent on rational discussion, and in the future you should treat him as you would a child: make the decisions YOU need to make, tell him the results, and if he throws a tantrum, walk away and ignore it.
Post # 10
What does the age difference between the cousin and her boyfriend have to do with anything?
You have every right not to invite this person. They do not live together, they are not engaged and you have never met him.
Your FIL was being being rude and unreasonable. Have your fiance address this issue with his father. I doubt your FIL would be rational if you brought up your hurt feelings to him.
Post # 11
Why are you asking when you should be telling? And why are you dealing with FI’s family? He should be dealing with them. If he wants them cut, then he should deal with it and the consequences.
WTF does the age difference between the cousin and her boyfriend have to do with things? So she likes older men. Are you cutting the guy because you have issues with her dating habits?