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I would definately have FI talk to her, but as you said he needs to appear united with you. "This is what WE decided and what WE want." If it comes down to you talking to her tell her how you have kept people in your own family off the list and wouldn't feel right inviting others that you as a couple aren't close to.
@FMBS: Is she paying for your wedding? If so, her opinions should be listened to and a compromise should try to be reached. However, if she's not paying for it and you're not asking her to, I think you should do what you want. Keep telling her that it's your wedding and you want to keep it small. Also, I really think your FI should be standing up to her as well. She's his mom so he knows her best and should be able to handle her. But anyway I know how much it sucks to feel like you're in a constant battle for control with your FMIL, and I really hope she backs off. FMILs can be hell when it comes to wedding planning.
Your FI needs to grow a set and talk to his Mom.
If he won't, then you just keep repeating what you have already said. "We have already determined that we can only have 90 people at the wedding. If you really want to invite these new guests, please let us know who you have chosen to remove from your list.We are not able to accomodate any more than 90 people."
I had the same problem with my FIL's. It just continued to escalate because they wouldn't take "no" for an answer. We gave them a specific number they could invite and that was it. The problem for me, is that they are contributing to our wedding (each of his parents are contributing about 15%) but FI and I are paying for the other 70% plus honeymoon. I tried to be fair about it, but bottom line was they could each invite 2 couples that were their friends, or remove family they had on their list. It didn't go over well and caused a huge fight, but my FI stood up for me, and they eventually backed down. I have to say, the guest list was probably the WORST thing we had to deal with! Good luck!!
Thank you guys for responding so fast, sometimes it just feels so much better to have someone else tell you that you are not being a jerk to feel the way you do.
@FutureMrsMason - she is not paying for any of the wedding. my parents are paying for the reception and my fiancee and I will be paying for the DJ (if we chose to have one) and our wedding invitations.
My other issue is that my FI has a sister, who I have met twice, who I thought we would have do the one reading that is part of our service in order to give her an important role. I have 2 brothers, one of whom is my FI's bandmate, and neither of which are participating. His mom has also just ifnormed me that I need to expand my bridal party to include his sister and anything else is simply insulting. Is that true? I thought giving her the reading was a significant gesture but again, if I'm wrong, somebody please let me know.
@FMBS: That is so aggravating! Just do your best to tune her out & keep reaffirming your plans for the wedding. If she wants to sound like a broken record, do the same back to her. She needs to understand that this isn't her big day. Furthermore, she isn't paying for anything PLUS you've already allowed your wedding to evolve into a 90 person event.
@FMBS: I wouldn't include her as a bridesmaid just because his mom thinks you should. I'm having my sister as a BM, but FI isn't asking my brother. Neither am I asking my FSIL. We aren't close and your bridal party should be people you feel close to and want to hold your hand that day. It shouldn't be about family politics.
Your FI really should grow a pair, sit down with his mom and let her know how things are going to be.
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Now I'd like to begin by saying I have always had a great relationship with my future mom in law. However, have been engaged since Christmas and already I feel like I am competing with her for control of my wedding in many ways. The two most important are that we are having (and want) a smaller wedding. We started at 50-60 people, then went to 70 and are now at 90. We were a little niave in our 60 person estimate and Im good with the 90. My fiance and I each have 20 family members coming, then we have our bridal party (each of us are having 3) and the rest are our close friends as a couple. When I asked his mom for addresses for their family people, she started in on how she has friends she wants to invite and others she thinks we should invite. Everyone from my cat sitter, because she happens to know her, down to her friends whome in 2.5 years with my boyfriend I have never met. I tried to respond friendly but firm in my response, I said the wedding was the size we could afford and also the size we wanted. But now she is emailing and calling me at work saying she just cannot have us not invite her friends and what is the max capacity of the venue we booked and how much are my parents paying per head?!!! I feel my fiancee should put her in her place but he's a momma's boy so Im afraid he wont, and if he does, he will blame it on me so he doesn't look bad to his mom. What is the etuqeutte here, Im not even having my cousins (there are about 20) or co-workers!! I think she is way out of line at this point but he says "she's just trying to be involved". :(