Post # 1
I am the kind of person who hates disappointing people, who constantly aims to please, and who feels horrible any time I think I have wronged someone. So…at this point in the game, I am beyond stressed out as I’m going against the grain of who I am (having to ruthlessly cut my guest list…and so on.) My main source of stress is my guest list. I have put invitations out to 180 people (hoping for 150) with assurance from FMIL that a number of her people will not show, but just wanted an invitation. I have received RSVPs now for 50 people (and nobody has said “no”), 2 of which are people FMIL was sure wouldn’t come. That’s fine. The part that isn’t fine is that my 16 year old half sister on my dad’s side just invited her boyfriend without asking me. (Note: my dad isn’t giving me a dime for the wedding, and the invitation I sent him was to him and his family…not with plus ones for teens…sorry.) He messaged me on Facebook and said he couldn’t wait for the wedding and that half sister said he was invited. I didn’t respond. My mom, sister and FI keep telling me, “It’s fine. What’s one more person?” This doesn’t make me feel any better as I am still the one who has to deal with the consequences of having more people, people inviting themselves, etc. I also got a little angry at FI because he/in-laws keep adding people to the guest list. When I started making the guest list, I sent emails to FI and to FMIL and asked them to confirm with me a bunch of times that these were the only people who were being invited. And now, after I have sent out invites (and it is too late for me to make any more cuts to my side), they are adding people. I just feel like I have lost control over my wedding when I worked so hard to keep costs low and cut my guest list (I come from a huge Italian family, so this is difficult…I had to cut a lot of family.) Does anyone have any words of wisdom? I am super stressed. Thanks.
Post # 3
I have a response for you… Whenever someone tells you that they are so happy to be coming to your wedding and they can’t wait for you to meet [uninvited guest] you straighten your spine and tell them “Oh, I’m sorry that won’t be possible. The invitation that we extended was addressed to you and Auntie Jen, it’s just not possible for us to accomodate cousin Sue’s boyfriend. I do hope you’ll still be able to join us.”
And if the person presses the issue, you maintain your polite spine, and repeat “I’m sorry, that just isn’t possible.” Do not give these people a “reason” – they’ll offer you a solution. (“h, don’t worry about the cost, we’ll pay for his plate!” or “Oh, well he’s young, he doesn’t need a seat, don’t worry about venue capacity!” or “Oh, well I heard that Aunt Edna isn’t coming, so he can have her seat!”… ) Be polite, but be firm.
And it might be prudent to start this conversation with your FMIL & FI. “Ok, we’ve already determined the guest list and sent out invitations. Now other people can NOT be added to the guest list – it’ll look as though they are second class guests! On top of this, you’re both aware of the challenges we’ve had with the guest list. Please try to help me manage the numbers so I don’t look like the bad guy. If somebody asks about attending the wedding, please PLEASE let them know that we appreciate their well wishes, but at this time we simply cannot accomodate another guest.”
If you meet resistance from FMIL & FI, it’s time to figure out why, and what you (as a group) can do about the guest list specifically, and communication & respect in general.
Post # 4
No sage words of wisdom here, just a heartfelt “I feel ya”! I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING! My wedding contract specifically states my event will be for 150 (although the venue owner told us we could do an extra 15-20 ppl) and my current invite list is up to 241!!! This is because after we had the guest list down to 200 invites my mom and MIL decided to start “remembering” people and sending “courtesy” invites to people “know won’t come”.
I am getting married in 31 days and the invites are trickling in. There have been some regrets, but my mom is saying now she wants to send more “courtesy invites” 2 weeks before the wedding!! We’ve also had someone write in an additional uninvited guest already (was the 2nd rsvp we received)! I am filled with anxiety over whether we will get at or below the 180 ppl mark by our wedding day. I don’t want to be penalized by my venue for the extra guests!
Post # 5
Thanks everyone! I know guest list drama is nothing new, but it makes me feel better to have some support.
Post # 6
I saw someone above posted it but just lather rinse repeat.
“I’m sorry, that won’t be possible”. Just keep saying it. And remember you don’t owe them an explanation.
Remember that they are the ones being rude by adding guests, you are not being rude in not accomodating them.
Re forward the message to your inlaws that said you needed a final guest list, if they didn’t make the cut then, they don’t make it now.