- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
This is going to be looooong but I just can’t figure out a solution so I thought I’d ask the bees for opinions.
We’re finalizing our guest list and one point of contention is whether to invite my ex-step-grandmother. My grandfather married this woman after his first wife (my mom’s mom) died. My mom was 6 when her mother passed away, so this stepmother is the only mother my mom remembers having.
Anyway she was completely awful to my mother and my aunt because they were not her children. She was extremely abusive and cruel to them while favoring her own children, and my grandfather did nothing to stop her. When my mom got pregnant with me at 17, they threw her out.
I’m assuming they reconciled at some point because I can remember spending Christmases with my grandfather and his wife and they were absolutely wonderful to me and my younger sister. We would also go over there just to visit. They liked having us over and spending time with us.
Then my grandfather divorced her and we lost contact with her and her children (my mom’s stepsiblings). My grandfather remarried an absolutely horrid woman who, again, treated his children like second-class citizens while favoring her own children.
Since my mom and aunt were adults by now, it didn’t affect them as much, but over the years this woman has slowly weaned us completely out of my grandfather’s life. We only see him for Christmas and his birthday, and only for about an hour each time. We are no longer invited to their house for dinner or get-togethers, and when we invite them to visit us there is always an excuse for why they can’t attend. Meanwhile they travel to visit her children and have family dinners with her daughter every week.
My grandfather would like to see us more, but he is getting older and more fragile, which makes it easy for his wife to walk all over him and be forceful about not spending time with us. I feel terrible for him, and this situation has caused a lot of bad blood between his wife and his children.
Then a few years ago my mom reconnected with her ex-stepmother, the abusive one. She wanted to forgive and forget and try to form a better relationship with her since she is the only mother my mom had growing up. The ex-stepmother has mellowed with age and is much kinder and a much better parent toward my mom than she used to be, and they are developing a good relationship. We’ve also reconnected with her children, my mom’s ex-stepsiblings, and have spent holidays and dinners with them as well.
Now here’s my problem. Obviously I am inviting my grandfather to the wedding and of course that includes his current wife. But I am hesitant to invite my mom’s ex-stepmother as well. I know she and my mom have a better relationship than my mom has with her current stepmother, but I do not want to make things uncomfortable for my grandfather.
Also, the ex-stepmother is known for creating drama at family events. According to her children, every family event she has attended she has done or said something hugely embarrassing or rude to disrupt the event. I do not want that kind of drama on my wedding day.
More complicated, her children ARE invited (my mom’s ex-stepsiblings) so I feel like if I invite them and not her, she will be offended.
I asked my mom what she wanted me to do. She said it would be disrespectful to my grandfather to invite the drama-queen ex-wife, but it would be disrespectful to the drama-queen ex-wife to not invite her. Thanks, mom. That’s helpful.
Bees, what to do? I love my grandpa and don’t want to make things awkward for him, and if his ex-wife is there his current wife will be a total bitch about it. She will no doubt make him leave early, and if my grandpa leaves my wedding early I will be so hurt. But his ex-wife was more of a grandmother to me than his current wife has ever been and I feel like excluding her from the wedding would be a huge slap in the face, especially since her children are invited. Also I am worried about her causing drama at the wedding.
I have no idea what to do. Help, please!