(Closed) Complicated situation with religion in my wedding…

posted 5 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Peacockfeather:  This is a tough situation to be in, but I would say yes, whoever is footing the bill is paying the cost to be the boss and it is unlikely that your parents will pay for a party that is not officiated at by their pastor. And I wouldn’t expect them to. 

You can have a talk with them and let them know that you don’t want a religious wedding but be prepared that they might withdraw their financial support. 

My parents are extremely religious Catholics. I am marrying a Jew. They didn’t have a problem with that, but they were very disappointed that I am not getting married in a church or having any sort of religious connotations in my ceremony. But, that’s okay, because my FI and I are paying ourselves.

It might be better to just pay for whatever ceremony you are able to afford rather than accept money and have a ceremony that is not compatible with your personal beliefs. Good luck with whatever you decide.  

Post # 4
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

@mimi123:  That;s tough. I once used to love a muslim before i married my husband who is catholic. My mom didn’t even want to hear about a possible marriage between me and the muslim guy. I’m Christian orthodox so i did marry in a catholic church, not in my church. It wasn’t bad. You should speak with your father once more time but if he wants you to have a religious wedding he won’t change his plans, he might even refuse to pay anything for you. i think you should do it in the church. I live in Poland and 3 months ago i didn’t speak polish at all, i had a preist i first time saw, ended up being funny and kind, only 24-26 years old :), Spoke a bit of english, so i could say my oath in english.

Post # 6
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Peacockfeather:  I completely agree. I know this really bothers my mom, but I said the same thing,  I can’t just go along with something I don’t believe in just to make other people happy. My mom didn’t even like that I went on a vacation with my FI because of the sins I was committing. Can you believe this? I am almost 40 years old! But the thing is, she is sincere in her beliefs and wants to express them. I can listen, but only up to a point and then I have had enough. I am glad to hear though that you don’t need their financial support as a lot of folks couldn’t have their weddings without their parents’ contributions.  

@aliona.deszynska:  My parents were at first upset by his being Jewish, but they got over that really fast once they met him and now my mom loves the guy. You never know with people! 

Post # 7
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

They really need to respect your wishes on this despite if they are helping you pay.

Post # 9
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Peacockfeather:  In theory, I don’t believe that parents contributing finances towards a wedding means they are buying a say in how the wedding plays out – but, that’s only one opinion.  I’d have a frank discussion with both your mom and dad and ask if they are contributing funds because they want a say in wedding planning or if they are contributing funds to help you get married (in the way you desire).  As an evangelical Christian, I can understand why your father is upset and why he feels it’s important that you get married by a pastor (my hunch is he thinks you’ll change your mind about your current religious beliefs).  It could be the wedding is an outlet for him to express his frustration about it – but, that doesn’t mean he has a say in it or you should change what you want in your ceremony!

Post # 10
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Peacockfeather:  Thank you–my mom has actually come a long way from when I first started dating FI 2 years ago and she refused to meet him! She just gave him a big Christmas gift. She always seems to do things out of what she earnestly feels is right and best for everyone but just has problems accepting that not everyone thinks the same way. 

Post # 11
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think the person who pays should get a say in most aspects, but I think the structure of the ceremony and inclusion of religion is something that should be very personal to the couple. I think you may need to sit down with your dad and explain that it is very important to you and FI that your wedding ceremony reflect the two of you as a couple.

Post # 13
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Wait. If you’re an atheist, would his pastor even agree to perform the marriage???

Post # 14
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think your father is saying I will pay for “your wedding” the way I want it. He is attaching strings. Neither my Mother nor My FILs were thrilled with the fact that it was possible that we weren’t getting married in church.

I basically told my mom does she think as a christian it would be disrespectful to her religion, the church in addition to my marriage for me to go in a church and recite vows that I am opposed too and that I find ridiculous and ring false for me as a person. As far as I’m concern religion and god have little to no place in my life, wedding and in my marriage. The only person who can inject any of that into it is my Fi.

I think ultimately this isn’t really about religion it’s about your father trying to exert control and probably about projecting a certain image to friends and family. I think you need to weigh your options and decide if the cost of accepting this money is truly worth it to you.

 

Post # 15
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re right this is a tough one. (Disclaimer: I’m Christian having been agnostic at one point and raised Catholic.)

i read an article a while back that discussed that if parents are contributing financially, we should be prepared to let them have some input. Problem is, we’re grown and want to make out own decisions for our own wedding. Your dad probably wants God bless your union and believes  in the convenient of marriage as a Godly union. 

Maybe there’s a middle ground?  Would you consider meeting with the pastor and setting a plan for the type of ceremony that you are comfortable with?  I realize that you may want no mention of God but there are other ways in which the pastor could encourage your marriage… From the perspective of sustaining your relationship. 

I really hope you all can come to common ground and that your pArents relationship does improve. 

Post # 16
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sounds like you should consider paying for your own wedding!

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