(Closed) Concerned about boyfriend communicating with his ex

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You’re not crazy. I’d feel the same way in your place. I think you’d be perfectly within your rights to demand that he completely cut off all contact with T. If he refuses, then you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to keep feeling like this in the future.

Post # 4
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow.  I don’t really think you’re overreacting. I would be more concerned with his being untruthful to you (telling you he hadn’t had communication with her when he had) and trying to hide his email and skype from you now more than anything.

I suggest the two of you see someone together and figure out why he feels the need to keep in contact with this person in ways that are clearly putting a strain on your relationship.  It might not even be about HER, it might be something going on with him.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. 🙁

 

Post # 6
Hostess
16217 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Hi Maggie,

First of all, hugs your way! You are not crazy. You’re a girl who is in love with a guy and has had some experiences that have left you to be a little insecure about his fidelity.

More than anything, you two need to have a serious, honest talk about your feelings. No accusations. He needs to know what you’re feeling, and you need to know where he is.

From there, you two need to come to an agreement together about how this situation will be handled. While I think you have the right to set up a few rules yourself, I worry that they won’t be as effective as an agreement you come to together.

It seems to me that he need to stop responding to her but also to tell you when she contacts him so you do not get blindsided.

From your post, it doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere, but what you’ve been through is more than enough to make you afriad.

We’re here for you. I hope you two can work though this!

Post # 7
Member
1792 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Honestly, I would be concerned, too. While she might not be a “physical” threat in that she does not live close enough for him to cheat on you with her, the emotional part of cheating, in my opinion, is just as bad, if not worse. 

When my boyfriend and I started dating, i was still in touch with my ex, whom I remained friends with although we had broken up years before. We didn’t talk as much as we used to, but we still talked. I saw him once, and it made my current boyfriend very uncomfortable. I vowed then and there to let him know whenever I was contacted by my ex (I had stopped contacting him at that point, but still answered his calls). That was years ago, and everytime he calls, without fail, I let my boyfriend know. He doesn’t love it, but like you, he would never forbid me from speaking with him (though I never initiate it, at this point, I could care less about the ex).  I think the biggest issue is that he has continually lied about contacting her. To me, that is suspicious and I would not be able to ignore that. Despite how much he still loves you, there is a reason he is still in contact with her, *knowing* how much it hurts you. I don’t mean to be hurtful, I am just giving my honest opinion. I am sure others might disagree. But I wish you the best and really hope that I am wrong.  If nothing else, it seems like this issue is causing you to seriously mistrust your boyfriend and that is enough to cause problems on its own, regardless of his communication with her.

Post # 8
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’d be stressed out too.

You two should talk about it, if he does want to keep a friendship, there shouldn’t be anything hidden or secretive about it. I think if he wants to keep being friends you all should hang out together, you for sure need to meet her and I think that will shed a lot of light on the situation. If it’s all innocent, which it very well may be, then that shouldn’t be a problem for either of them.

It doesn’t sound like hes cheating on you, and I don’t think just sending an email here and there to update each other on their lives is a problem but if there is a flirtatious tone and he never mentioned you I would be upset.

“he’s never shared that moment of enjoying a sunset together with anyone as much as he did with her”

– that made me sad, that would have really hurt me.

 

I 100% understand how you feel. I think you all 3 should meet and hang out and see how they both act, assuming he doesn’t want to call off the friendship.

 

Hope you feel better and can come to an understanding.

Post # 9
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

you are not crazy. in fact, i think issues like these arise all too often in a lot of relationships!

i think your best bet at this point is TO TALK IT OUT with your SO. not attacking, but discussing your relationship, your boundaries, your insecurities, and your views on where you want to take the relationship.

COMMUNICATION IS KEYYYYYY!

Post # 10
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, a big hug to you! I think you and him need to have a big conversation about what is really going on and how you are feeling. I would be concerned too. You are in the realm of reason in my book. I have an ex that I used to keep up with for years. Sometimes we will have a conversation here and there. BUT we never used skype, just cell phones. The using the whole skype thing is sneaky in my opinion. Why couldn’t they have just talked on the phone? Anyhow, even when we email or chat it is a simple how are you? What is new? Yadda Yadda. But since I have become engaged we have only talked a couple times over the past year. Maybe he is holding on to memories of college days. I think he needs to be honest about what he is looking for when he talks to her. There must be something because otherwise he would just say “hey T called today, she would love to meet you and come to our wedding someday.” or soemthing like that. But he said nothing at all until you confronted him each time. If I were you I would be worried too. I wish you the best of luck and I hope he figures out a way to distance his self from her.

Post # 12
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@maggierose: Wow I feel for you. I think you have a great plan. Talk to him about it and decide what you are going to with what he tells you. Something is missing from the equation about these emails they are having. I don’t think it is too much to ask that he be open. I also think you may be a little to passive on the issue. I don’t think I would even give him the option  to be friends in the open in light of what you have found and how you really feel about it. We know ultimatums are not always great and not always nice but sometimes they are needed. This may be a time when you need to think about what really bothers you about the situation and how you feel about it. Will you be able to handle them being “friends” in the open? Or will it eat you up inside while you have a smile on your face? If it were me, I would tell him to cut ties or you will start cutting yours. It doesn’t mean you have to break up but it does mean you will have to re-evaluate your relationship with him.  

Post # 13
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Ughh if I found out my BF was referring to his ex as beautiful I would be LIVID! Side question is that how he generally talks, refer to friends? Cause that alone will send serious red flags in my head.

I dont mean to be a sceptic but didn’t you already have an agreement to be open when they contact each other and he broke it?  Left me to wonder if you didnt find out for yourself about the skype ordeal if he’d ever tell you.I would be honest with him tell him he’d broke my trust and I’m completely hurt with the whole thing.

I agree with finding out why it is so important to him to maintain the friendship when he knows it upsets you. I dont doubt he loves you after all he’s with you. But honestly if it was me I would confront him. Say ” It seems like its important you maintain a friendship with this girl. I want to trust  you but your past actions has made this difficult. It’s not about you being cordial to someone its about you hiding it. And this is putting a strain on our relationship. I’m not demanding you end the friendship that should be a decision you should come to on your own. But I do think if you want to continue this, then she must be an important friend to you and so I do want to meet her be introduced even if its over skype. So that we all could develop some kind of friendship that I’m comfortable with. (like you would with any of his other college friends.)”

This may not be ideal but at least you could be more involve instead of being kept in the dark about the whole thing. And at least this way you could better assess the nature and the extent of the friendship.

I hope you find some middle ground that you are comfortable with. And for the record I cant stand exes too!!!

Post # 14
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It does sound like “emotional cheating” to me.

I don’t think guys really understand “emotional cheating,” and he probably doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.  Really talk to him so he understands how this makes you feel.  If this bothers you so much, I think you need to tell him that you want them to cut off contact.  Since they only speak once or twice a year anyway, this shouldn’t be a big deal.

Post # 15
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Disclaimer: I am friends with almost all of my exes, and so is FI. So when I first read the headline I was like “oh no, another girl who doesn’t want her guy to talk to any other girls, ever”.

After reading your posts, not so much. One or two of the incidents you described, fine – give him the benefit of the doubt. All of them, including him lying to you about not communicating with her? It sounds very shady. You sound like you’re worried that he’s interested in this girl because she’s very different from you, but really, who it is has nothing to do with it. The fact is that he has a) not been truthful with you b) said inappropriate things to another girl (“hey beautiful”? Unless it’s clearly a joke, this is way over the line) and c) changed his Skype & email to be sure that you can’t accidentally see what he’s doing. That’s got nothing to do with this other girl being all chill and whatever – it’s about your boyfriend’s actions.

He’s probably not physically cheating on you, but he isn’t behaving like a guy who’s being completely aboveboard, either. Like others have said, I hope I’m wrong, and good luck with whatever happens (and also try not to be hard on yourself in comparison with this other girl!).

 

Post # 16
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I didnt read the comments yet, so I might not agree with any of them! My take on this is RUN…and I might be judging him (I definitely dont know the guy) but he seems too sauve for his own good.

Guys who make you feel better after they did something completely wrong know they are good at it, have practiced it a lot, and you question YOUR sanity because of it. The fact that you two have talked this out numerous times, and yet he still sneaks behind your back and isnt open and honest really has me hating this guy. You deserve a man who will open up to you with all of his concerns and desires. When you arent openly communitcating, you will eventually resent, hate, and have anger between the two of you.

 

Sorry if im being to brutal, but seriously consider this.

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