- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I have a (hopefully) minor situation on my hands, but something that has been bothering me a lot lately, to the point where I have had recurring nightmares about it. I could really use some advice about it!
Let me give some of the (long) backstory to help you understand the situation to the fullest. I’ve been friends with my boyfriend for around ten years – long before we started dating – so I was privvy to a lot of information during our friendship that influences me somewhat now. He’s had only a couple serious girlfriends before me.
The one in question, let’s call her T, he dated when he was in college (2003-2005). They dated for about a year, then she moved away and they kind of maintained a long distance relationship for a year, but it wasn’t really something either of them took particuarly seriously. It officially ended when he went to visit her once and found a video on her computer of her kissing another guy. However, they stayed cordial and remained friends and in contact over the years. I know my boyfriend (then friend) would still always call her on her birthday and occasionally talk to her on the phone and I always used to joke with him that she was the “love of his life”, something he denied, but I could see how deeply he cared for her, and I imagined if the timing were different they would have stayed together. I think the biggest thing was that they both shared a love of nature and the beach – she was a major surf girl, as was my BF in college, and they had that as a huge commonality. Keep in mind, I am about as far from nature girl as you can get. My boyfriend, in the past few years, isn’t as much either – he’s busy with work and put on a couple pounds and rarely goes surfing now. I haven’t met T because I didn’t go to college with my boyfriend, but from what he said about her and from Googling her she seems like a very chill girl, a do-gooder for the environment, and what not. Keep in mind I am not chill or overly involved in the environment – nothing like her..
The two of us officially became a couple at the end of 2007….more than 2 yrs after the official break up with this girl. About 3 months after we first started dating romantically, he asked if he could check his e-mail from my smart phone, and T had e-mailed him. He opened it in front of me. I didn’t like the flirtatious tone of her e-mail. Although it was a casual, how-are-you-doing, what’s new email, she said something like “I’m listening to this great song right now….(and she proceeded to type out the lyrics to the song which essentially said, I love you)”. I got a bit upset about that, and questioned my boyfriend, who said that he hadn’t been in contact with T for nearly a year and it was ironic that the one time he checks his e-mail in front of me, he had this e-mail from her. I didn’t like it, but I left it at that.
Fast forward about 9 months. I was hanging out at his place and he had left his laptop up and his e-mail open. I was going to use his computer, when I saw an e-mail from T. I opened it out of curiousity. It was a string of e-mails over the past six months or so. None was particularly daming, but I was VERY uncomfortable with the tone of the e-mails. In one e-mail, T said that her and her friend were coming to his town, and my boyfriend wrote to her that he would love to show her around and that T should give him a call because he missed talking to her a lot. In another e-mail, he wrote to T that he had just watched a beautiful sunset and that he remembers watching sunsets with her, and he’s never shared that moment of enjoying a sunset together with anyone as much as he did with her (and yes, HIM AND I HAVE WATCHED SUNSETS TOGETHER.). The worst part was we had been togerther almost a year at this point and these e-mails dated back many months and not ONE mention of me. not ONE.
I felt sick to my stomach and upset. I confronted my boyfriend. He didn’t try to deny anything. He said he “didn’t mean it” to be romantic. He said he didn’t mention having a girlfriend because she never mentioned her boyfriend and the topic just hadn’t come up. However, he said he understood that I was upset and he apologized.
This continued to bother me for several months, and I would occasionally bring up the topic and subtley chastise him. A few months after that incident, he did tell me that “T” had e-mailed him again recently, but only to ask me suspiciously if I had created a dummy account and pretended to be her to e-mail him, because the e-mail address she used was different. I was very upset that he asked me that, and it led to a fight. An outcome of the fight was that I told him that, although I would not explicity forbade him to talk to her, I told him that it made me extremely uncomfortable and that at the very least I would prefer that we were open with each other anytime we talked to our exes, either of us, so it didn’t end up being this secretive thing. He agreed to that.
That was over a year ago. I assumed they had stopped talking – and maybe they had. But something happened last month that really caused me to become paranoid all over again.
My boyfriend and I moved in together at the beginning of June. A couple days after I moved in, I got on his computer to use his Skype. His account automatically signs in when you turn on the computer. I saw he had some “missed calls” and I decided to open them to see whot hey were. They were from T. I looked at his call history, and on May 23 there were several back and forth calls between him and T, one lasting for 25 minutes. The first call to her, he had dialed. I felt destroyed. When my boyfriend returned home, I immediately confronted him. I told him that I was so upset he hadn’t told me they talked after we agreed to that, and the worst part is I was so upset it had happened only a week before I moved in.
Boyfriend did not become defensive. He patiently listened to me, apologized, and asked to explain. His version of the story is that he had not spoken to her in over a year (since the fight we had last year). He had not answered her subsequent e-mails and had tried to distance himself from her. T was wondering why he was not responding. He claimed that this particular evening (I am pretty sure it was an evening he returned late from drinking which is why I am a little suspicious) – T began to message him. I asked why he had made the first call to her and he claims that T asked him if he was mad at her, etc, etc, and then asked him to give her a call on Skype to catch up.
Boyfriend claims that the whole call he mostly talked about me, because T had seen on Facebook he was engaged (his friends created a fake account for him since he doesn’t use FB, and she friended the fake account and saw that his friends had put he was “engaged”). I tagged him in a couple of pics of us so T had seen these pictures and asked him about me and said I was pretty, etc. (for the record I am much more attractive than her…not that that means anything) and asked how we met and blah blah. He said he told her how we met and told her that I was moving in with him soon and how excited he was blah blah.
I forgave him and reluctantly believed him. Because I have known him for so long, I know him to be a generally trustworthy, honest person. I know he has never cheated on any of his girlfriends. I don’t think he has crossed the line at all with this girl, but I do wonder if he may covering up a little when he says that was the first time they talked in a year, etc. I brought the issue up in a chastizing manner several times after the fact, at which point he did start to get defensive and say he hadn’t cheated on me or done anything particularly wrong in his opinion and I was treating him like he cheated on me. I see his point, but the fact that I don’t know the extent of their communication or what they really talked about for a fact, combined with the flirtatious e-mails I had seen in the past, made me feel VERY insecure.
I have had recurring nightmares about him cheating on me with this girl, or I dream about her sending him sexy pics, etc, etc. It is driving me crazy. Boyfriend and I get along great – he seems more in love with me now than ever since I moved in. He says he is the happiest he has ever been in our relationship right now. Things are great between us, and we talk about marriage and I think that we might even get engeged in the next year even. So, rightfully, I know I may be overreacting. He is living with me – he loves me – she lives very far away and isn’t really a real threat. But the thought of him sharing romantic words with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach and I can’t stop thinking about it or having it bother me, or get worried about the fact she might try to “get him back” or that he might realize that SHE is the one he wants. I am nothing like this girl – I am high strung, obsessive, etc, and she is this calm chill nature girl, much more like my bf. I feel like I am not good enough for him and this girl is.
Am I totally crazy to be obsessing about this so much and letting it bother me, or do I have a right to feel suspicous and worried? He has since made it so his Skype doesn’t sign on automatically and he never leaves his e-mail account open around me. 🙁
I apologize for the length – hope someone takes the time to read it and give me some advice. I’m going crazy here!