Concerned for daughter's safety

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That must have been terrifying! The adult thing for him to do was to tell you what happened–NOT to swear your kid to secrecy!

I hope everything works out well for you!

Post # 4
Member
8821 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This pulls at my heart strings. You are an amazing mother, you have done the right thing by reporting him.  Don’t listen to what anyone says, your daughter comes first. She could have drowned, but thank God she didn’t.  I’m glad that you’re taking the steps to get her away from him.

Post # 5
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think by the leter of the law, you did the right thing.

Do I think it was necessary to report him for this incident? In isolation of any other information? No. If he had a history of neglecting her, it would be a more clear cut decision for me.

Would you have reported him if he did the same thing and you were happily married ? I don’t see that many women would report their  husbands for doing the same. Unfortunately, many of us will have similar incidents even as the most loving parents. Many parents have lost sight of their children for a moment or two at the beach, the park, the mall etc. Luckily most of the children were just fine.

I’m not excusing his lack of attentiveness to her around the pool, nor am I excusing him for failing to tell you the truth before you even had to ask.

I don’t think you have anything to worry about as far as custody is concerned. The mere fact that he neglected to tell you of this incident, then lied about works against him on that accord. Add in his history of abuse directed towards you, and he has pretty much screwed himself on that count.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@LovelyLaura:  I work for child services and you absolutely did the right thing.  If you didn’t report it before the counselor did, then child services could decide to remove your daughter from your care for not protecting her from her dad.  You’re lucky you still have a daughter to come home to, that incident could have easily ended in her death.  Dad needs to acknowledge his error, take some parenting classes, and learn how to be more responsible (p.s. his GF is pretty awful for allowing a small child that isn’t a strng swimmer to swim in her pool unsupervised.)

I highly recommend that you also sign your daughter up for swimming lessons ASAP so that if she ever ends up in a similar situation, she will be less likely to drown.

Post # 7
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

The long term consequences (possible custody battle and etc) could be messy, but ultimately your daughter will be safe and that’s always the right thing.

As a stand-alone incident it might be forgiven if he took the situation as an eye-opener that he needs to be more attentive and expressed that to you, however asking your daughter to keep it a secret and lying to you about it doesn’t really sound like it was an eye opening experience for him that he needs to be a better parent for her safety.

As another incident in a long line of problematic situations, I wouldn’t be able to forgive it. I’m especially paranoid about water/swimming safety – if he and/or his girlfriend can’t devote their full attention to your daughter in the pool (especially if she’s not wearing floaties), they need to keep her out of the pool. Responsible Parenting 101.

 

Post # 8
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@julies1949:  OP said in her post, “The counsellor told me that this incident on top of others foeces her to report  with the Department of Child and Families if I did not do something.”

ETA: Sorry– I posted before I was done typing!

Anyway, I think this situation in isolation wouldn’t necessarily warrant reporting, but it seems like there is more history here, so she probably did make the right decision. Especially because of the history of violence.

When DCS does their investigation, wouldn’t it be difficult for them to discover anything? Your daughter’s dad’s gf will likely lie for him, so it’ll be their words against yours and your daughter’s. Hopefully this all works out and he doesn’t do anything crazy! I hope DCS does a thorough investigation and doesn’t just make things worse without making anything better!

Post # 9
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@LovelyLaura:  You cannot allow fear to make your decisions here.  We have an inground pool and 3 and 4 year old daughters.  They are not allowed anywhere NEAR the pool without an adult and certainly not in it without their special suits (the suits with the floaties in them) AND an adult.

You need to document everything he says and does.  Record calls, keep emails and texts, etc.  You need to have all ammunition.  

Do not be scared of him or he’s going to use that to get his way.

Post # 10
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@JenniMichele:  OP you need to be especially careful of this copied and pasted part.

Do you want to be held responsible for allowing her to be in dangerous situations with the other parent when you could have stopped it?

Post # 11
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@JenniMichele:  I  know. What I said was In isolation of any other information? No. If he had a history of neglecting her, it would be a more clear cut decision for me.The OP didn’t give us any history of previous incidents.

Professionals involved in caring for children in any capacity , are held to a higher standard for reporting than anyone else. I spent years as an ER nurse.

 
My point was that people who are divorced or who are getting divorced often hold their exes to much higher standards than they would if they were still happily married.

Post # 12
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@julies1949:  I totally understood what you were saying. I was agreeing with you regarding that in insolation this situation wouldn’t necessarily have warranted reporting. I agree that it’s common that parents occasionally become distracted and scary things can happen, but it doesn’t always warrant reporting.

I was just pointing out that although she did not fully explain the history, she did imply there was one. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t read her post fully or anything.

Post # 13
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@LovelyLaura:  You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing! I cannot believe your family are not thinking the same thing!

Post # 14
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

@LovelyLaura:  FILE FILE FILE! Report! MAKE a paper trail. If ANYTHING happens, you have it in there.

Post # 16
Member
1996 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You didn’t overreact.  I would have flipped shit, my sister works for child services & would have absolutely told me to report it. Yes adults get distracted but as a parent you should know better to leave a 5yr old with no floaties alone in a pool. My mom hates getting in the pool, she likes to tan. But when she takes dd to the pool she puts a life jacket on her & gets in. 

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