- 2 weeks ago
- Wedding: May 2017
Hey bees, I’ve been struggling with some concerns I have about my sister’s fiance and well, since this is a place to get some insight or outside perspective, here we go.
I will start by saying I overall feel my sister’s fiance is a good person, and we all have our flaws or things to work on.. but there is also another side of me that, bc of my own personal feelings and values, am worried.
To start, she recently told me has a major issue with her not changing her last name. She summed it up as he feels disrespected by her choice to not change it, that he’s less of a man, what will other people think, and gone so far as to say he’d delay the big day if she didn’t have it changed. This is a major red flag to me because it sounds demanding, controlling and personally I think it’s such an old-school way of thinking — i.e. if a woman doesn’t take a man’s last name, he’s seen as lesser, or she’s seen as weird for not doing it.
When we discussed it, I told my sis that there isn’t an issue with the actual changing of the name. I’m all for people doing whatever they want to do — changing, adding a hyphen, keeping it.
The issue I see is how he is reacting if she doesn’t do it.. She is having reservations and instead of him hearing her side or caring why she may want to keep the last name, I feel he’s acting childish by saying I’ll stop everything unless you do it. I also get really creeped out when a guy says stuff like “I’ll be seen as less of a man” — what is that even about?
Second issue I have kind of follows this first one, in that he tends to be super into how he sees things but doesn’t seem to take time to care, listen or help my sister if she’s going through an issue. If she is worried or anxious, if she is depressed, if she is stressed — more often than not I hear from her that he isn’t listening, he walks away from the conversation, or he tells her to get over it or offers a simple line of how to fix it and doesn’t do more than that.
It frustrates me to hear this because I love my sister and I know she sometimes can feel overwhelmed or anxious — she has issues with these things — and I personally have experienced it too, and it gets worse with planning a wedding. For me at least, I knew it helped to have my now-husband just sometimes listen to me vent, hear why I was worried about something, and talk over ideas and solutions. I don’t think it is THAT crazy of a notion for your partner to sometimes just LISTEN.
So… I’ll end this thread with the questions running in my mind.
– Do I say something to the fiance directly. My concerns or anything about the above.
– Do I try to just give advice to my sister indirectly for her to apply to him, see how it goes.
– Do I not say anything at all — let them two work it out.
– Is there a fourth option here… maybe speaking up about this to say my parents.
I know basically anything other than talking to just my sister could cause drama — talking to him, my parents, etc. And she is planning a wedding and extra drama isn’t helpful.
But if any of you have ever had worries about a sibling/family member and their fiance, I’m open to suggestions.
As of now, I’ve offered my sister advice and sometimes she takes it. Right now we’re in agreement that he’s being pushy about the last name, and she definitely is upset with how he handles her anxiety/stress and doesn’t listen. =/