Post # 1
So my DH and I tied the knot in Oct. But I have a confession. I am NOT happy. A lot of things have happened before we got married. The biggest change was moving half way cross the country to a place where we don’t know a single person (army). Before getting married everything was great. But now, not so much. He spends little time with me or my two kids. As a matter of fact, they spend most of their time in their room because there isn’t much else to do with him around. I have yet to find a job, making me feel super dependent. He never makes me feel bad about not working yet. He tries to give me time away from the kids. But I am so alone. I don’t know a single person. I don’t go to work and have applied to every job known to man. We are in a small town. The worst part of it all is he is so secretive about things. He has yet to add me to a joint bank account. He keeps saying we will do it but he hasn’t. Anyone in the military willl tell you this is kind of important. All the bills are in his name. I have to ask how much money we have. I don’t even know when the bills are due. As a matter of fact, I don’t know how much his take home pay is because of allotments! He keeps the mail box key. I do collect unemployment since our move and get child support but I would like to know how much we have together not just what I know I get. I am feeling so out of control of everything. Before we were married it wasn’t like this at all. I asked my kids how they feel about him and they simply say he is alright and they used to have fun together. This is coming from a 6 year old and a 4 year old. I am fearing I made a mistake. He spends all his time watching tv and not EVER anything I want to watch. If I turn the channel he goes to the bedroom to watch tv. I am starting to feel like being alone would be better. I even feel belittled sometimes. Example, I vacuumed the bedroom and he asked me why his shoes were on the night stand. I said I moved them so I could vacuum. He says, next time can you put them back. I am like wtf I am not a kid I was in a hurry to pick up my oldest from school on time. I am lost….
Post # 3
It really worries me that you don’t know anything about your family finances. You need to sit him down and make him show you the bank statements, bills, paystubs, everything.
I understand the suckiness of moving to a new place and not knowing anyone. We moved across the country about a year and a half ago and it was so horrible when we first moved here and I wasn’t working. Now that I’m working it’s a lot better.
But I think you have more things to deal with than just that.
Post # 4
I am sorry you are having to go through this. I know it must be very hard for you and your children. My suggestions are to try to have a very serious talk with him about this; make a point list and refer to it while you are talking with him, so you stay on track. And, if that doesn’t work, I seriously suggest getting marriage counseling. You can get counseling for free through the family support division that is associated with his branch of service.
Post # 5
I’m sorry 🙁 I know when I moved with an ex to LA and he was working all the time, I knew no one and was MISERABLE. Luckily I met a few people at dog parks and what not and it got a lot better.
This sounds like a convo you should be having with him. Maybe make a date night and bring it up over dinner or somewhere where the attention is focused solely on you guys and your relationship. You shouldn’t have to feel like this by yourself – it’s enough that you’re all alone in a new city, you shouldnt be all alone at home too!
Post # 6
I agree with MissAsB. The moving/not knowing anyone/being unemployed situation is only part of your issue, but I’m sure it’s not helping things.
What was the situation with finances before you got married? Did you and your DH live together at all before the marriage? Did you talk about how the financial situation would be handled before you got married? How was he with your kids before you got married.
I don’t know your DH, so I don’t know if this is what is happening with him, but I know that when my father remarried, his new wife had major problems with the fact that my sister and I were still very much a part of his life. We didn’t live with my dad, but we visited and stayed with him on a regular schedule, which she knew about before the marriage. And weirdly, before the marriage, she was good with us. But afterward, it was like someone had flipped a switch. She started getting really strange and whenever we would come over to my dad’s, she would go into their room and just basically stay there the whole time. It seemed like she had expected that once she and my dad were married, we wouldn’t be such a part of his life anymore, and she was upset we were around. I’m not saying this is the case with your DH, but I do find weird similarities in the big change between behavior before and after the marriage. I don’t know if this happens because of a disconnect in what the two people in the relationship thought was going to happen after the marriage, or what.
Have you tried talking to your DH about all of this? What happens when you do try to talk to him about it?
Post # 7
As far as not knowing anyone, I have a suggestion for meeting people. I don’t know where you live, but about two years ago I moved to be with FI and the only people I knew here were his friends. A friend of mine from college referred me to meetup.com, since they have “localized” groups where you can meet people with similar interests in the same general area as you (or in a big city nearby, if you’re in a really small place). That’s how I found my book club, and they have interest groups for all kinds of things. It’s surprisingly normal for an online group – I was pretty hesitant to meet people off the internet, because I’m very wary of things like that, but everyone I’ve met has been super nice and no weirdos thank goodness. 🙂
Post # 8
I won’t address the finance issue as it has been done.
Until you are employed, can you find some volunteer work to do?This will help you meet people and also may be used as a local source on your resume.
What about your kids? Are they in school? Have you met any of the moms? Years ago my husband used to be transferred every year. I soon learned that it was up to me to make the first move to meet people. After all, I was the new person. The people already living there had other friends. I needed them more than they needed me. I had to make the first move- invite them over for coffee, dessert, playdate with the kids-etc.
Post # 9
I completely disagree. I would absolutely address the finance issue as that seems to be a major issue for you. I do agree that a serious talk must be had about how you are feeling and counseling may be a good option. You shouldn’t be feeling this way, and you have a right to acknowledge those feelings and make them known to him. And if you are feeling otherwise trapped or apprehensive, ask for help from other people you trust.
Post # 10
Are there any spousal programs that the branch offers? I know the Marine Corps they had meetups for all the wives so that they could get to know one another and make some friends.
As far as him being secretive, i think you should definitely have a talk about that with him.
Post # 11
Feeling lonely after moving to a new place is perfectly normal and it takes most people several months to start making new friends and feeling like they belong there. That is a completely separate issue from the isolation you feel because he seems to have withdrawn himself emotionally. When he does something hurtful, like retreat to the bedroom to watch his own TV program, or belittles you, do you tell him how he makes you feel? Or do you just swallow your hurt and keep trucking on?
I agree that the finance issue is a big red flag. Have you tried speaking to him about it? Have you asked him directly if you can be involved in the family’s finances? Secretiveness has no place in a marriage and you’re right to be concerned. What does he have to hide?
Post # 12
This makes me a little sad because this will probably be my situation when I get married… but I am already alone so I don’t know how much lonelier i could get. I hope things get better for you I really do.
Post # 13
@cyndistar3: If you’re alone when you’re engaged, I’d really consider postponing your wedding or going to counseling to address this. You want your relationship to be at it’s best when you get married and continue to progress. You have choices!
@edisonsgirl: I’m concerned for you. I think there’s something wrong, could something be bothering him that he hasn’t talked about? Fear of possible deployment? Some guys are lazy and remiss about things, and so he could just be too lazy to go to the bank to get you added. Seriously, sometimes I have to prod/poke my Fiance to do something like call his parents b/c he’s uncomfortable or too lazy to do it. However, belitting is completely inappropriate. That needs to be nipped out of the relationship. I agree with others, go to some counseling on base.
Get involved with the other military wives (I’m really anti-social so I understand how difficult it is). Take your kids out to a park every day and enjoy them! Are there any clubs or hobbies you’re interested in? What about having your children join things, and tagging along with them?
EDIT: @OP: Several months ago, you mentioned you hadn’t met your step-kids. I know it had a lot do with their mother, did you ever find out why things went south with him and his ex? That could play a role in this current predicament. Some people revert back to what they were (in other relationships).
Post # 14
@beekiss2: He is with me as much as he can be but we don’t live together and he is working right now to save up for me and our daughter to live off of while he is in training. we have a great relationship and I actually think we will have more time together when we live together (until he is deployed or whatever) I just don’t really have any other friends so I know it shouldn’t be too different when we move to wherever we are going.
also we are doing a premarital counseling course, just to be as informed and ready as possible =)
Post # 15
I know this sounds crazy, but I would strongly recommend the “strictly platonic” section of craigslist in your town. I spent 1 year all by myself (and unemployed too!) in a new city and I was miserable. My mom told me to try craigslist and I was like “hell no, I’ll get murdered!” Finally, I agreed to try it and told her if I died, it would be on her conscience! I put up an ad on strictly platonic “w4w” (woman for woman) section and found an *amazing* group of friends that I still keep in contact with 3 years later. Putting up an ad as opposed to replying to one is pretty safe because you can gauge for yourself if they are legit or not when they e-mail you. Then of course meet for dinner somewhere public like a Panera and see what happens. They really saved my sanity during that horrible year alone and unemployed.
For your relationship, I would recommend the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. I took a Human Sexuality class taught from that book as I’m almost done with a counseling degree with an emphasis in Marriage & Family Therapy. This book will change your relationship and yourself. It has a lot of stories from Schnarch’s own sex therapy practice so it is very relatable. It is a lot of sex therapy, but if you read the book you will see that sex is 100% connected to the strength/health of the relationship. I also recommend it to ANYONE reading this thread as he states in the beginning that the term “marriage” is used to encompass anyone (gay/straight) in any type of long-term committed relationship.
Post # 16
You need to talk to him about the finances and not just let him say “okay i’ll add you”. You need to physically go with him to be added.
Also there is an office on base that gives priority to military spouses. If you are qualified for a job, you get it, that’s it. You’ll get subsidized daycare on post for your younger one and that’ll help keep you busy, get you meeting people, etc. You should try to volunteer or get involved with the FRG so you meet other military wives. You really have to push yourself on them a little…playdates, etc.
You really need to talk to him