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I debated on this post for a while. I thought about going under another name, but I figured I might as well be honest. I am a little worried about backlash, so please be nice. I'm ok with harsh and honest. And I turn to the Bee because I have nowhere else to go...
Bees, I am bored with my relationship.
FH and I met each other in highschool though we were never really close friends, we still spoke. We started dating after graduation. At the time, FH was interesting. I thought we had so much in common but now I know we just weren't talking about the right things. FH talked about wanting to travel, which is something I've always planned to do and everything was just going to be wonderful.
Now, not so much. We disagree on politics. We argue about it all the time. We disagree on religion. We fight about it all the time. I've honestly noticed that he's racist (how that really didn't come out before several months) while I'm all for loving whoever you love. Any time we see an interracial couple in public, he has to sigh loudly, shake his head and tell me (and however else is around us) that "they are so disgusting". He also doesn't like anyone who's gay. He'll speak to them but he doesn't like it. I have many gay friends. I support gay marriage. He's so insensitive, making fun of people with mental disabilities. I can't tell you how many times we've fought about just those things alone... He never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I'm not interested in having sex with him anymore. It seems like nearly everything he does is irritating me. We have so little in common and I'm not sure why I ever really overlooked it. He's also very jealous. Any guy that talks to me wants to have sex with me, so he feels like he must be threatening and tells me that "he'll beat their ass" if he needs to. Despite the fact that most of my male friends are gay, which leads to him thinking that they aren't really gay, they just want me to think that so they can get to me... Absurd. He also makes rash decisions based on things his parents want as opposed to what he wants, like leaving school where he had financial aide to a school that doesn't because his parents said they wouldn't mind him being closer to them. He never even talked to me about it. He just moved. Even the way he talks is bothering me... And it's just him. I'm not stressed out about anything else.
WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE. I mean, polar opposites.
I try talking to him, but when I say that I'm bored, he always jumps to sex. Honestly, I don't care about sex. I could probably go the rest of my life without ever having sex again and I'd be ok. He doesn't seem to understand that someone can be bored in a relationship with something other than sex.
I know that some of this may sound petty, but there's not enough space to fit in everything. I feel like he's never going to change. I don't think we're on the same page. It seems like all we do is argue and if we aren't doing that our conversations are very few and far between. And I sometimes feel really stupid for somehow not seeing all of these things sooner...
It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if it would be best just to end the relationship or take a break or something. I don't really mind FH not being around... which is the really big red flag to me.'
I'm sorry it's long bees. And I also apologize if everything seems stupid and I seem shallow. I'm just at my wits end.
Counseling. Definitely go to couples' counseling, if you think that you want to work on the relationship.
DTMFA.
Or couples counselling, but counselling only works if 2 people want it to work. Sounds like a) you don't and b) unless you can have sex during sessions, he doesn't either.
Sorry sweetie.
I agree with PP, if you want to work on it or feel like there is a reason to work on it, then go to counselling and take it seriously.
If you don't want to be with him and you don't like the person he is, then stop wasting both of your times and efforts. I'm not sure how old you are, or how long you've been together, but I'm sure you're old enough and mature enough to know if you could spend the rest of your life with someone like that or not.
Good Luck and Keep us updated!
Yup, definetly counseling. Every couple goes through phases where you need to spice things up and put some effort into keeping the fun alive. But this is way past this. These are big issues which will only get worse.
You're not stupid or shallow. However, I don't see this as an "I'm bored with him" post but more like "He acts like an ass and I'm done with it" post. (Not trying to be harsh, just pointing out what you said about his racism and anger towards others).
If you don't even miss him when he's not around, maybe you really should consider moving on? Your happiness is important and if he dosen't make you happy anymore, it's nobody's fault. You changed as individuals.
You have more than a year before your wedding so if i were to end it, I would end it now.
I'm not sure counselling would fix this because you don't sound torn. You sound very matter of fact. I'm sorry you are going through these feelings. He should be the first one to comfort you and when you know you'd rather be alone, maybe you should be alone.
I also know that sex would interest you with another man who you love deeply.
I am sorry you are going through all of this. Normally I would suggest a couple of counseling sessions, but based on what I have read here, I really think that you should take some time off from the relationship. In other words, take a mini vacation all by yourself just so you can think about what you really want with nothing and no one else around. Based on what you have stated here, I would recommend leaving the relationship, but I don't have all of the information, so that might not be wise, so the mini vacation by yourself, with just this information, would be the best bet. It will probably set him off because of his jealousy, but it is really something that you should consider. I would hate for you to find out later that because of his jealousy, he would become physically abusive to you. It already seems like he is verbally abusive to you. No one deserves any type of abuse, so that is something too that you should consider. Do you reallly want to spend the rest of your life living this way? Only you can answer that and I think that if you take the time away for yourself you will see things much more clearly.
I rarely advocate this directly, but stick a fork in this one dear, because it's done.
You disagree about religion, politics, life goals and, uh, the basic humanity of other people. You don't like to spend time with him and you really don't want to sleep with him. Oh, and communication issues abound.
If it were just one of the above troubling you, I think that would be fixable. As it is, all signs point to: GO.
"It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if it would be best just to end the relationship or take a break or something. I don't really mind FH not being around... which is the really big red flag to me.'
This seems like a red flag to me too. I agree with @hilsy85: get counseling if you sincerely want to save/improve the relationship or break it off if you're ready to move on. It's the fair thing to do for you and your FI. Good luck!
None of this sounds petty. These seem like huge issues. Not really relationship issues but internal moral differences. Seek counseling...or take a break from the relationship.
The thing is, he's probably not going to change. Getting married isn't going to stop him from making racist comments and its going to annoy you more over time not less. DH and I completely disagree about politics so I understand loving someone despite their opinions but I feel like there has to be something else that unites you. I'm never one to say "get out now" but the way you have described the current situation does not sound promising to me. Maybe try counseling? But counseling doesn't magically make you more compatible so I'm not sure it really applies to your situation.
The last man I dated before my FI was alot like that. He was homophobic and closed-minded and a real know-it-all. We were together for 3 years and engaged. Lots of distance grew and I began to hate him. I had to end it finally. I understand where you're coming from. However, only you can decide if a break-up is best for you. If you have any reservations about that, make sure to not make any decisions. Wait until you're sure, one way or another. Counseling is a good idea.
If you think this is a relationship worth saving, then you should definitely seek couples counseling immediately.
But honestly, from the way you have presented things here, it seems like maybe you don't think this is the relationship that you want to be in for the rest of your life. Honest question... knowing what you know about your/his values, goals, and life approach.... is he the person you want to share life's ups and downs with, raise childern with, grow old with, etc? If your answer is "no", then you need to remind yourself that ending a marriage is much, much, much harder than ending an engagement (which is already super hard and sucktastic to begin with).
I don't think that's being shallow at all. I will be honest with you - I don't support gay marriage, but I would never be mean or rude to them, especially if my SO were good friends. It's a difference in belief (IMO) that I just wouldn't discuss with them.To me, it sounds like you and your SO have different beliefs/opinions on a lot of important things. I would take the time to really evaluate if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with - how do you feel about potential children having the same opinions as him, etc.?
And i just want to add: I don't know your stance on children, but lets say you have one in the future.
You really want it to have a racist, homophobic guy as their dad? That doesn't go away with divorce, you know. Kids are stuck with their parents for life.
Sounds to me like you know the relationship is done. I doubt counseling would do anything to help you guys, you just seem very uncompatible.
Good luck.
I honestly feel that two people who so vastly disagree on matters as serious as politics and religion should not get married. I don't know of any personal acquaintances who've been able to make such relationships work. In the beginning, it is easy to ignore those major differences (and they are MAJOR) because you're infatuated. Unforunately, when all of the glitter settles, you realize that you just can't handle being with someone whose opinions differ so greatly from your own.
I would recommend counseling, although I'm not sure that will work. You are an adult who has your mind made up on your political and religious choices. So is your FI. No amount of counseling is going to change that. It might change his prejudice ways, but it won't change what he believes in. So the issues are ALWAYS going to be there.
If it were just a matter of differing opinions, I would say stay and try to make it work. But it seems like you have completely different morals and values, and I doubt that can be reconciled.
Is there anything you do have in common?
Maybe the relationship has finally run it's course. It happens. It is nothing to be upset about either. Sometimes people aren't right for each other. Dating, relationships are all a trial run. Maybe it's time your called this one? You don't sound happy at all.
Darling, you are not petty. You are a good human being who doesn't think that racism, bigotry, and generally acting like an a$$hole is okay. Oh my gosh. Honey, I'm sorry, but he does not seem like a nice man!!! I don't think counselling is going to change this for you. This isn't a communication failure, or even a disagreement on goals or timelines. This is who he is. His whole personality! I think there's a very slim chance he's going to change his entire world view overnight. Really, honestly, find someone who is open minded, culturally enriched, and live a happy healthy life! This guy sounds toxic to mankind! (((((hugs))))))
@SouthernGirl: Dude, you're not stupid or shallow. In fact, I would say that you are the exact opposite. The fact that you're even sort of internalizing his behaviour is really a concern for me.
Can you imagine having kids (if you want them) with this man? You disagree on so many fundamental things that, at the very least, this relationship is going to take a significant amount of communication...which he doesn't seem to be willing to do.
I agree with @noritake22: Take a break. See how you feel. In my honest opinion, if you come back and feel the same way, it's done.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I've read some of your other posts throughout the time I've been on the 'Bee and you seem like a really strong woman.
Do not allow someone else to effect your self esteem and sense of being. Stay strong.
@hisgoosiegirl: We don't really want children. When we talked about it and I asked him what he would do if our future son/daughter came home with a boyfriend/girlfriend of a different race, what we he do? He said he'd make them end it. If or future son/daughter was gay he said he'd disown them.
Neither of which I agree with.
I just feel so stupid for overlooking all of these things. I had no idea he was so racist or homophobic or as closed minded as he is. And you're right, it's not something petty and little. These are really big things. I know I have a lot to think about and because of other events, our wedding is postponed anyway, which means I'm not on any kind of timeline right now.
Honestly, I don't think counseling is worth your time or effort. He is a fundamentally different person than you and nothing short of a complete personality transplant is going to change or fix things between you.
It's good that you are being honest with yourself about this. My advice? Get out before it's too late. Then you will be free to find someone who shares your views on life and how to live it together.
@SouthernGirl: I just ended my relationship. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to PM me anytime.
@ArwenBride:I agree about taking some time for yourself.
@Pinksapphire:I disagree with the comment about if you don't agree on religion and politics, you shouldn't get married. It can work as long as both people in the relationship understand each other's points of views. My FI is liberal and I'm conservative, but it works. I am Catholic and my FI is non-religious. We compromise on things like we'll be getting married in a Catholic church, but not having a full mass.
@SouthernGirl:You might be just going through a "patch" where everything your FI does annoys you. Taking some time to yourself will help you see if your relationship has a future or not. Good luck! You're seem like such a strong woman!
@ArwenBride: Thank you. Sometimes I don't feel like a strong person... so it means a lot for you to think that way about me.
These issues seem like things that are part of his personality, therefore very unlikely to change even with counseling. If you are unhappy now it wont get better just because you are married. I think you need to let him go now.
@SouthernGirl: If or future son/daughter was gay he said he'd disown them.
...
That goes beyond red flag.
That's an enormous flashing neon sign standing under a spotlight during a fireworks display. Surrounded by elephants, trapeeze artists, and clowns. With a Lady Gaga concert going on in the background.
Leaving aside the homophobia - this is a man who would cut off his own flesh and blood, his own child, from his family. And that says something profound and horrible about what he thinks family means.
@coffeegal85:I agree that people with conflicting beliefs can make a successful marriage, but it sounds like in the OP's case, her SO isn't considerate of her beliefs - mocking her gay friends etc. I assume that your FI does not openly ridicule Catholicism around you nor do you talk about how stupid Democrats (or whoever he supports) are. It sounds like you and your FI have respect and understanding, doesn't seem that way with the OP's SO.
@teaadntoast: agreed.disowning your child, IMO is reserved for something like murder or equally serious things, and even then I feel you would still love your child. Having a different belief system or loving someone with a different skin color is not a valid reason.
I disagree with the counseling advice. These are things about him that will probably never change and I would never want to marry a man whose ideas and morals were so off than my own. I don't feel you overlooked things so don't put yourself down. You said you met while in highschool and I think what it is you just grew into 2 different individuals. I'm sorry, but for me I would just cut my losses. Counseling doesn't help or solve race, religion and political differences. Yea can it help you communicate on your differences and help him try not hurt or offend you so much? Sure! But it doesn't change who he is and can you love him and accept him for your vast differences and attitudes?
I'm no expert, but I just don't see how counseling is going to help your situation. You practically hate this guy and there's nothing he can do to change that. He would literally have to become a completely different person and I won't pretend that that's possible.
Reading your post actually brought me back to how I felt about my college boyfriend during the last few months of our relationship, almost to a tee. I practically couldn't stand him and was actually disgusted by him, but for some reason didn't think that was a reason to break up. I wanted to get married so bad adn I knew he was going to have a stable career and be a provider, so I thought I was being selfish for having any problems with the situation. Thank god the forces of nature practically forced us to break up eventually, otherwise I would be unhappily married (or divorced) today!
I have to say that I don't really think counseling is what you need here....I think ending this relationship is what you need. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this but I can say that his "views" aren't likely to ever change. People that narrow minded don't tend to open up to other ideas.
I also second the issue of children and no child deserves to have a parent already willing to disown them if they love someone of the same sex and/or different race.
You can do better than this. I wish you luck.
I don't suggest counselling in the least. What's counselling going to help you? He's a racist which enrages me, the counsellor going to say listen girl, you have to let him speak his mind? Yeah right. You can't change someone like that. You can't make him like gay people, or not mind interracial couples, or to change to your religion just like he can't make you hate gay people and all the rest of it.
Opposites attract, yes. But they won't last core issues need to be similar and you're the furthest from that truth. End it dear.
First of all, this isn't you being "really bored" with your relationship. This is you recognizing fundemental differences in your lives, ones so extreme that I don't believe counseling will help.
I couldn't marry someone who didn't share at least some of my core values, and it doesn't sound like he shares ANY of yours. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd have left already. I most certainly would not want the father of my children to be someone who would disown them if turned out to be gay. That's not even someone I'd want to be friends with, let alone marry.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I agree with PPs, I'd leave. It's easier to end an engagement than get a divorce later down the line. Counseling might solve the cosmetic issues (making fun of your gay friends, for example), but it's not going to change him and how he feels about them, or anything else. I know there are better guys in the world, ones who share your core beliefs, and you deserve to be marrying one of them.
@teaadntoast: "That's an enormous flashing neon sign standing under a spotlight during a fireworks display. Surrounded by elephants, trapeeze artists, and clowns. With a Lady Gaga concert going on in the background." <---That cracked me up! Great imagery!
@SouthernGirl: I've got to say, it doesn't sound like there's much to be saved here. You sound pretty miserable and he sounds....not so nice. These aren't petty issues, these are HUGE dealbreakers, in my opinion! I don't see counseling fixing any of those things because they are who he is.
@SouthernGirl: You say he is different now and I say he would have to be. I'm sure that no woman, in their right mind, would be attracted to a person of which you described. He sounds awful and you sound mature and ready to move on. The way a person behaves in high school is just a stepping stone for how they might develop into a living, breathing, functioning adult in society. It appears that you have put plenty of thought into this, which makes complete sense, and that the "glue" of your relationship has dried up and been wearing away for some time now. I assume the only reason you haven't left yet is because of loyalty and not wanting to hurt his feelings or lose mutual relationships. I hope you understand that your relationship with yourself should come first and foremost. You are not proud of who you are with. You are clearly unhappy and embarrassed to be with someone so inhumane. The sooner you change directions, the more prepared you will be to find the right man. Best wishes!
@SouthernGirl: I have to agree with some of the PPs that believe you're probably not just bored but questioning the entire relationship. From what you've said, you definitely should.
I think there are lots of things you can do to work on the relationship with your FI, but only if you truly want to. To be honest, and I'm sure he has his good qualities, there seem to be a lot of red flags with how he acts and his beliefs. He doesn't have to like the fact that people are homosexuals or support their unions, but he SHOULD show respect to every human being and also respect your opinions. Just like he should be prepared to love his kid unconditionally if you were to ever have them. It sounds like he is doing neither...and that's just one instance.
I think you're a strong person and that you are right by thinking about these things. It could be a long life staying with someone who has completely different beliefs and interests, but I suppose it all depends on whether he's willing to communicate more, expand his horizons, and be content with having his opinions without disrespecting other people. Please keep us updated.
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