Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
I such a people pleaser … It drives me insane!!! I dont know why I do it nor have I got a grip on how to stop it. I also absolutely hate confrontation and will do anything to avoid it. I hate this about myself arrgghhhh!!!
Im completely worried when one person doesnt like what im doing for my wedding. I sometimes find myself seeing what they dont like and trying to convince them or maybe seeing if they have a point and changing it.
My stupid housemate just managed to get me to agree to pay towards some stupid frying pans even though im leaving in like 2 months and will barely use them. I was happy with the old ones, I didnt want new ones. Im about to move to the US and have to set up life there … why the hell would I agree to pay towards some new stuff for her and her new flatmates to enjoy? Im not even convinced she bought them. She went to visit her mother one day and came back with some stupid frying pans.
Im not going to pay but now I have to confront her about it and I HATE IT. Also when I usually confront people I automatically fly into fight mode and the situation escalates and ends badly
FI says I just need to learn to stop doing it (people pleasing) and take a min and think about the situation before automatically getting riled but its not that easy
Is anyone else in the same boat??
Post # 4
I have people pleaser tendancies, but since becoming a teacher (and head of a department at that), I’ve been forced to realize that sometimes I can’t please everyone. My focus needs to first and foremost what is best for me and my dept. It’s tough sometimes. Just recently I had to contact a parent who had earlier in the year called me some not so nice things (because things didn’t work out how she wanted). Well guess what? Things weren’t going to work out so well for her this time around either and the idea of telling her this terrified me. It was my DH who said “You know you’re in the right. Just call her…she might yell and be angry for 5 minutes and then it will be over.” And he was right. It gave me the courage to call her knowing the conversation would not go well.
I think the best thing for you to do is to tell her that because she didn’t inform you that she planned on buying new pans and you are moving soon and won’t be using the said pans, you don’t think it’s fair to pay for them. Getting those words out will be the hardest part of the conversation. She can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. She might be ticked off for a few, but ultimately you are moving far away and it’s not going to matter if she doesn’t like you/is mad at you. You need to be a champion for yourself.
Post # 5
I could have written this post, OP!!
With wedding stuff specifically, I’m the worst. I have had serious trouble telling a vendor “no” upon seeing they were out of our budget/not our style… just because I didn’t want to upset them. The rational part of me knows that they know this is a business and not everyone will utilize their services. But sometimes they’re so nice and you don’t want to let them down! I have stopped telling friends and family the details of our wedding (decor, food, etc) because everyone has an opinion.
As far as the frying pans issue, it sounds like the flatmate knows you’re a people pleaser and took advantage of it to get you to chip in where she didn’t want to. That should piss you off. Call her up, with your FI next to you for encouragement, and firmly, but nicely, tell her you aren’t paying for the pans. Tell her why. She might be totally okay with it, she might not. That’s her problem, though, not yours.
Post # 6
I used to be the worst! The whole wedding thing actually helped me confront my situation- because it came to a head. I ended up canceling my wedding and eloping in town. My family was cruel and selfish and everyone was negative and had opinions and judgements that were thoughtless- but no solutions. Some people can’t be pleased, and some will purposely manipulate you to cause harm. (Unfortunately some people in my family!) I really realized that if I could do it again I would do it my way. I learned not to depend on anyone else and ultimately to not care what anyone thought (it has been a couple of years). Don’t be hard on yourself OP- at least for me- I was raised/ forced to be that way!
The whole wedding debacle I went though was good practice for being a mom, (and a teacher) because I learned to lay down my law – so-to-say. (I have had people trying to come stay with me, things like that that aren’t right for us at the birth of the baby.)
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
@mg1363: i know but u just keep on putting it off … urgh!! it just makes me feel so weak and pathetic
@newcitylights: FI is long distance at the moment and when hes around people dont mess me about or i can deal with it with him
@cbee: The wedding is seriously forcing me to confront some people and thats where i just go into fight mode lash out and start being a bitch.
Thank you ladies – its good to know im not the only one
Post # 8
I’m the same way, and FMIL will probably want a very different wedding than I do. I need to grow a pair, stat
Post # 9
@leecy87: That’s natural. Just do your best to breathe, stay calm, but assertive. It’s hard!