Confession: I'm going to fade away from a friend

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
7940 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You know sometimes you just have to fade away. You’re right- a conversation wouldn’t really be productive. You don’t need to break up with her. if she straight up asks down the road what happened you can just say “it seems we’ve drifted apart but I always wish the best for you”.

I don’t blame you at all- you bonded over destructive stuff. You’ve moved on and she hasn’t. And what kind of petty bitch can’t just smile and say “it’s lovely!” To a friends new engagement ring. She sees it as a materialistic pissing content so she didnt want to acknowledge your smaller ring lest you feel bad. She probably never considered that you love your ring and life is not allllll about the acquisition of THE BIGGEST BEST MOST EXPENSIVE (And that one carat is in fact, big) She thinks you feel bad because she would… Because she’s a sad little betch! Ugh I don’t like her either lol. 

God speed college friend! You can just wish her well from afar and I dont blame you one bit!

Post # 3
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This girls sounds like major drama. I agree with MrsBuesleBee:  You’ve moved on – no need to discuss. You’ll slowly drift apart. 

Post # 4
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Do what you need to do. You don’t need the negativity and bad influence that she brings into your life.

Post # 5
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MrsBuesleBee:  well said!

Orchid71: no closure necessary. You are being a supportive friend but it’s time for your relationship with her to evolve. Friendship is a 2 way street and it sounds like you’ve been traveling one way for a long time. 

you should feel good about your positive life changes. I’m happy for you. Hopefully she moves beyond shallow materialism but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Keep doing you and pursuing the things that nurture you. 

Post # 6
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius

Orchid71: I have been through the exact same thing, minus being involved in her wedding. It really was the best thing I ever did to get out of the self-destructive friendship. When we were younger we used to go our raving, drinking, drugs, you name it – it was a very bad time in my life. Other than the fact she still goes out partying and drinking a lot, and probably still does the drugs, our friendship also reminds me of the bad place I was in at the time. 

I moved away, and our contact via calls, text and FB eventually faded. Occationally I will get a comment or message on FB but other than that, I don’t think we even still have each others numbers. She never said anything or asked me what happened, I think we both just kind of knew we were drifting apart as friends, and she could see I was a different person.

You’re making the right decision! 

Post # 7
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Many parts of what you wrote could have been the story of an old friend and I.  We definitely faded, slowly but surely, and I haven’t looked back.  Sometimes I miss our friendship, but then I remember the reasons why we’re not friends any longer.

You’re better off without her.

Post # 8
584 posts
Busy bee

I faded away from a friend who was my BFF in college and I was her MOH in her wedding.  PM me if you need any advice.  It was tough (dreams, feeling guilty, etc.), but I felt so relieved in the end and haven’t regretted her not being at my wedding even once.  About a year ago, her husband confronted me on Facebook in a message and said some pretty rude and awful things and that was difficult, but I still have no regrets.  He was reacting on protecting her and looking out for her, never having experienced her as a negative and draining friend.  

Sometimes you just have to do what’s right for you regardless of how others may feel about your decisions.

Post # 9
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I have done a fade away and it was definitly not the kind of thing where I made the decision and it was done. We were closer friends originally than you and your friend so maybe you will have a better time. My friend was materialistic like yours and I actually tried to talk it out after a few months of attempted fade out when she finally got the picture and asked what was wrong. Our talk didn’t help things: it ws just in her nature to compare everything she has to what I have. It was definitely not an easy fade out from there. 

I think you will have a dificult time fading her out during your wedding. She will naturally assume that she will be included in your wedding if not the actual bridal party. You may need to have a talk with her and then decide if you want to try a more active dissolution of your friendship or include her in your wedding and then fade her out after.

Post # 10
584 posts
Busy bee

I also want to add that my fading away was very intentional and thought out.  I wanted to share with her my reasons and have a talk about it, but I knew that that would be so much worse for her.  She had a history of explosive friendship endings that became somewhat possessive so I knew fading away was best for her – even though her husband disagreed.  I wrote her a letter more for myself detailing all my reasons with examples, and eventually did give it to her when her husband messaged me.  

Post # 11
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’ve done the fade away. Twice actually. I’m still friends with both but not near as close as I once was. Mostly because of the drama they seem to cause. I didn’t need that in my life.

Post # 12
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013


Orchid71: There’s a very short list of people that I have definitely faded away from. One friend in particular made it clear that our friendship was one-sided. I’m there for her. She was never there for me. It was so blatant that if I started talking about something, she would just start talking over top of me like I was never saying anything out loud. 

I stopped doing happy hours with her (she always left me stuck with the bill by turning on this “you’re my big sis” angle. We were 2 years apart). I stopped visiting her. She never came to my house. It felt kind of weird not to invite her to the shower, wedding, and baby shower. But it took care of itself. She eventually moved to the west coast and we never really speak. It’s ok.

It’s apart of life. You have to do what’s best for you. And it’s best to surround yourself who make you feel good – not “yes men” or overly agreeable people. That’s not what I mean. But people who don’t make you feel comfortable or toxic people who always make you feel bad about yourself. I met someone who, on paper, should be my best friend. But whenever I talk to her, everything is about competition! She even tried to make pregnancy a competition. I stopped talking to her when I was around 5 months along and told my husband “we will not hang out with them during this pregnancy. I can’t handle that.”

So it’s ok to grow apart. No need to talk about it unless the person really wronged you and there’s something to salvage. 

Post # 13
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m doing a fade right now, although it has come with several explosions that have made the fade necessary, and the girl is NOT invited to my wedding. The problem is every time I think its over, she comes back with a “oh I’m so sorry we should still try to hang out” etc, so she’s getting the fade. We’re moving to another state in a few months so that should take care of it entirely.

Post # 14
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Orchid71:  I am going through this right now as well. 

I have a friend of over 10 years. I mean we were attached at the hip. THroughout my entire wedding planning process, all she did was complain behind my back. It was hurtful. 

Wedding day came and went, and from the minute I got back from my honeymoon everything changed completely. She didn’t call me anymore. She started hanging out with everyone else, except me. I would call her, text her and sometimes she would return my calls and other times she wouldn’t. I tried numerous times to talk with her, I apologized even though I had no idea what I was apologizing for. 

The last straw for me was when I wrote her an email, I mean I poured my heart into that email, I was crying as I wrote it. And I said that this year has been extremely hard for me, not because of DH, or family or work, it was hard not having my best friend. I expressed that I missed her and that I am sad she won’t let me be there for her bc she has had a rough year, I wrote that I was upset that she won’t hang out with me but will call everyone else. I mean the email was really long, and all I got back from her was “I am sorry you feel that way” So that was it for me. That was a slap in the face. It was a big slap in the face because I know her, and when she says “I am sorry you feel that way” I know exactly what she is saying because she has told me in the past that she is basically saying “I am sorry I am not sorry”. 

People change, friendships change. It sucks and I am not lying when I say this but I am heartbroken because if someone would have told me that this would happen between us, I would have never believe them. 

Post # 15
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’ve done this with someone who was in my wedding. We were close, but I tended to let a lot of things slide with her, and then I realized that I was spending a lot of time excusing her behavior and not a lot of time actually feeling like I had a friend. She complained a lot about another wedding that she was in (saying really rude things about the bride), and it sort of got back to me that she was doing the same to me. Not even second hand comments, it would be like one of her friends making a snide comment directed at me (“don’t worry, if you were in MY wedding I’d NEVER make you do xyz”), and when I pointedly said “friend, I never did that either”, friend would panic. I just stopped reaching out to her, and since she only reaches out to me once every few months to complain about her life (never a “hey how are you?”) it hasn’t been that hard. It sucks to lose a friend, but it’s also less stressful.

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