- 4 years ago
So I have an old friend who I plan on fading from after her wedding…which I am in. I read this article: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/weddings/2013/06/wedding_guest_goodbyes_friendships_that_end_after_your_wedding.html and I feel like our fade is going to be harder and potentially more dramatic, although I have my fingers crossed that she will be so self absorbed and focused on her marriage and having a baby that it might go smoothly.
We lived together for a year when we were in college and got along as our interests were much the same at the time: guys, tanning, drinking, and popping diet pills (that neither of us actually needed). Over the years I have always been able to manage phone calls with her and conversations, however I feel that talking to her and hanging out with her makes me revert to destructive past behaviors (at least in my head, as far as remembering how awful it felt) as she has not changed in many of those interests. I struggled personally and very privately from a vicious eating disorder (most of my friends did/do not know, including her), and after some skin cancer scares in my family I stopped tanning altogether, and I also drink more sparingly nowadays for overall health and well being (ie. one glass of wine with a dinner out and maybe only 2 drinks on a night out, compared to the hard binge drinking sessions of 6+ drinks of the past). She is very materialitic and while I am happy for her successes and am supportive of her, I feel that happiness is never reciprocated by her. I got engaged not long after she did, and had told her via text, and her immediate response was lets see the ring, she made some rude comment about not being able to see it, and then some rude comment about my proposal having occured at a restaurant. Then months later when I finally saw her in person, she glanced at my ring numerous times and proceeded to just look down at her own and never once actually said anything…I think this is because my ring is 1 carat and her center stone is probably 2ct with a few other stones on the sides (she has made numerous rude comments about other people she knows having smaller rings than her). While her ring was not my taste, I saw her the day after she got engaged(which also happened to be the first time I saw her in several years) and said it was beautiful and congratulated her…I feel like she just abided the if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all rule, however, what friend can’t be happy for you getting engaged to the love of your life, no matter the size of your ring (which I am perfectly happy with)?! The only times she has ever asked about my own wedding plans her tone has been condescending and more snotty than anything, and honestly I never bring it up because I am focusing on her wedding right now.
I contemplated dropping from the wedding numerous times in the beginning, but now it is only a few months away so I am just doing it. I have chatted with her on the phone here and there, met up a few times, and have volunteered to help make things for the shower and whatever is needed closer to the wedding. I did not go on the bachelorette trip first and foremost because I don’t get much vacation time and already had vacations scheduled for this year, and have been trying to conserve my reamaining days to carry forward next year for my own wedding, and secondly because I don’t feel that close with her anymore to want to spend days I’ve worked hard to earn listening to the girls all obsessing about diets and being fat at the beach, and be criticized for slathering on SPF 50. It has been a struggle as the wedding approaches to let comments about weight, diets, cleanses, and working out just bounce off me and not manifest with me. I do take very good care of myself and exercise regularly, but I do it for me, and have to be mindful not to lose more weight than I need to.
I’ve contemplated just telling her about some of my struggles and how our friendship makes things hard, as well as about her lack of support or happiness for me, however I know her well enough to know that she would just blab that to everyone she knows, and continue being blind to her own compulsive dieting and habits. I just don’t need the drama at this point, its clear that she won’t ever be supportive on many levels, my ring isn’t big enough for her to say congratuations, she doesn’t even know my fiance really other than having met him once, and she and her fiance arent even the type of couple I’d be happy to have over to my home as she has told me how critical the two of them have been about other friends’ home (she once told me of other friends, “well on the way home we kept saying how we didn’t understand why john liked his TV so much because its not even as big as ours”).
I think our friendship had its time and place, and over the years I’ve felt guilty to ignore those phone calls so it has lingered on, but after this obligation for her wedding I believe it is time to end it. I feel guilty over planning to just fade, but at the same time I know zero good would come from just telling her I think we have different priorities in life now and I need to step back. I don’t think it is totally wrong to still be in her wedding as I am genuinely happy for her finally getting what she wants, but I just don’t want to be friends moving foward.
Has anyone been through this? Have you done the fade away or did you talk to the friend for closure?