Post # 1
I’m wondering if this is “normal” or if anyone can relate…
Just want to preface this confession by saying that one of my biggest lifelong dreams has always been to become a mother. I have honestly been dreaming about it since I got my first period.
The story: I’m 30 and have been married about a year and a half. I’ve gone through waves of DYING to start trying immediately to internally freaking out about financials (we both have good jobs but not yet home owners) and work / the fact that I can’t be a stay at home mom as I’d always envisioned. My husband is 1,0000% ready for kids (at least mentally/emotionally, like me) and so we’ve just started trying.
The first month we didn’t really try (just had sex near ovulation, but not during) and my period was a week late that month. We were both sooo excited. When I got my period, he was crushed and I was momentarily disappointed and then I thought, “oh well, gives us extra time to save” etc. This month we tried again ‘for real’ and he was so into it. I was, on the other hand, almost a bit apprehensive about getting pregnant. Doing it during the time I was ovulating w/out protection felt almost…. wrong. It made me feel anxious. I’m not understanding why I’m getting cold feet. I always thought I would be totally excited and into it when trying “for real” to have a baby.
I actually feel a bit guilty. But I think if I get a BFN again next month, I will feel it was meant to be and be happy for that extra month of being able to work towards saving for a house and getting things in order. I guess I’m just thrown for a loop about how I feel and don’t want to say the words aloud to DH…
Does anyone else feel this way? Cold feet? Esp. for someone who always wanted to have kids and loves the idea of being pregnant… Maybe I am just much more in-tune with how this will turn our lives upside down (in a good way, of course) and DH is paying more attention to the idyllic aspect of having children (I do tend to be the rational one, and he’s the romantic).
(I can also see myself getting a BFN next month and then freaking out that there is something “wrong” with one of us and trying even harder the next month, just to quell any anxiety about possible fertility issues. Which given the context of what I said, makes absolutely no sense. 🙁 )
Post # 2
I’m in the same boat, kind of. I look at our monthly money coming in, and why we can still save with a kid, it’s going to be tight. We are NTNP at the moment, and we had a similar occurance where I was two weeks late (but I have very fluxuating periods) and I had a panic “How can we really afford this moment?” Even now, with a week to go, I’m kind of praying AF still visits this month. I will be happy and excited if it happens, but until then my pratical side will take over and worry about everything. I look at my friends though, who are much less financially set than we are, and they do all right. Nothing extravigant, but you don’t need that to raise a kid. I remember for the first years of my life, my parents were pretty much lower middle class to streight up poor, and I was still happy.
To be honest, I think I would be more scared of someone who wasn’t nervous. There is no perfect time and kids are expensive. There are times to put on hold because of finances (IE if you can’t afford the two of you, you likely don’t want to throw a kid in) but there is no time where life is going to be perfect to bring a kid in. If you wait until it’s perfect, you will likely wait for ever.
Post # 3
i have felt that way..it actually took us a year and a half to conceive!! Even though i had been pregnant without “trying” i felt there was something wrong with one of us. so we both went to the doctors both got the ok’s that there is nothing wrong with either of you just keep trying and dont stress about it. i still think that way now that husband wants to have another baby and i kind of do but i still throw myself down and am like no we dont have the money for it, we dont have the room for another and i will be way more stressed out having 2 kids to care for. but a part of me REALLY wants another; i just cant get myself to commit. its a horrible feeling and i feel as if im almost letting him down not being all excited and “lets do this” attitude! 🙁
Post # 4
krystalite: I think this is fairly normal. My husband and I talked about having babies extensively before I went off birthcontrol. I didnt have quite the same experience as you, but when we found out I was pregnant the first month off of birthcontrol it was quite the shock. We had anticipated it taking a few months AT LEAST (I have PCOS so who knows how long it could have taken). Finding out I was pregnant was filled with a lot of emotions. Are we actually ready? Can we do this? Financially does this make sense? My first trimester was filled with a lot of worry and stress. Its only now in the last few weeks (and I’m in the beginnning of my third trimester) that I’ve come to terms with everything and have really started getting excited about it all. Your feelings are completely normal, even if a lot of people don’t tak about them. 🙂
Post # 6
Hmmm..well I always felt somewhat conflicted about having kids. I always wanted a family in a sort of abstract sense (like someday I think it’d be nice), but I never had baby fever or that burning desire to have children and I still feel like I would have been happy with not having kids. I was 29 when I got pregnant and I still didn’t feel old enough, so not sure if I would have ever reached some “magic age” and gotten baby fever.
I didn’t even TTC really, I just went off my BCP to see how my cycles would be (I was on BCP for 16 years with really irregular periods) and I just happened to get pregnant 2 weeks later. So I never really had time for cold feet, but I was totally terrified when I got a BFP. In that, “there’s no way I’m ready for this” kind of way. Even though I was 29 lol. I figured it would take a long time for my cycles to regulate or that I’d have issues since my periods were so crazy. But you do get 9 months to get used to the idea, and that really helps.
I love having a baby so much that now that I actually have some baby fever and really want another one. I definitely never considered myself a baby person before, I really only enjoyed kids when they were around 1 y.o. I still think I would have had just as a fulfilling life without kids though honestly.
I think it’s totally normal.
Post # 7
I feel this way. We are officially TTC next month and I’m terrified. I am very money conscious and I’m so afraid that we will be stretched too thin….especially because I’ve always said that if I have a child, I want the option to stay at home. At this point, I think I would like to work part time & if I can find part time work that pays decently, we will be more then fine. (basically my fear is a little over dramatized for no good reason!) But for some reason, I’m still scared shitless. I have even seen a therapist a couple times to talk about my fears. She said “if you were trying to get pregnant and you had no fear at all, Id be worried” basically, its natural to feel anxious at this time in your life. You’re going to be making some pretty significant changes once a baby comes and having a little bit of fear is totally normal!
Post # 8
I feel like I wrote your post. I was, and still am petrified of having a baby: how it will affect my body (I know that’s selfish, and I don’t care: it’s how I feel), how it will affect our relationship, and how literally everything we do will have to be different. No more Saturday mornings in bed, no more last minute drinks on a Friday night with our friends….everything will be different. And I love our life now.
As the months have gone on I’ve realised that while everything will change, we’ll also get a new “normal”, one that has a lot of also really great things.
For s, I think the fact that it’s taken awhile has actually been a mixed blessing. Now when it does happen I think I’ll be a lot better prepared, and have “come to terms” with it a lot more.
Don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you feel: I think the people that DON’T Freak out are actually just not realistic about what a huge change and step it is.
Post # 9
krystalite: yup I would say mostly I’m 80% ready and them some days I’m like am I really?! But TBH from most friends and family this is normal! My friend rushed through her wedding cos they wanted to try. She got pregnant first shot not expecting to and kinda freaked out for about a few days and then she got excited! like to think we could potentially have a baby in our lives next year both freaks me out and excites me. sometimes I think oh god I couldn’t do this or this with a baby? Then other times I look at moms and their kids and I’m like I do want that! I think until I’m actually pregnant and there’s nothing I can do about it I will always have a % doubt. Like you my fi is so ready he doesn’t think of all the things I think of. We don’t get married until November and he wants to try already I’m like no way I want a glass of wine at the wedding! Part of me is still a little selfish about how much my world is gonna change. I love coffee wine and all the foods you can’t eat while pregnant
Post # 10
When we first started TTC – I felt the same as you and my DH was also scared about all the sacrifices we would have to make – mainly amount of sleep. By month 5 of trying we were just angry that we werent getting pregnant yet. By month 8 – I was 100% ready to be a mother and terrified we wouldnt be able to get pregnant. By month 10 my DH was 100% ready to be a father – and was ready to make the necessary sacrifices. I found out last week – in month 14 – that I am pregnant…and we are so ready and excited!
Having kids is a huge decision – and it changes the dynamics of all aspects of your life. If we had gotten pregnant right away – I’m sure we would have gotten ready during the 9 months of my pregnancy – but we wouldnt be as ready as we are now.
Post # 11
krystalite: totally normal to feel apprehensive about a huge life change! I think being nervous about it shows you’re ready and have thought it all through more so then someone who just thinks everything is going to just be fine and dandy! Had we had to TTC I would have felt the same. We had an oopsie baby a few months before we planned to start trying and I always say it was best it happened that way because I dot think I ever would have felt ready to say ok let’s do this baby thing now! My daughter is the best thing ever and I can’t imagine life without her or being a mom (and I never had a desire to really be a mom I just figured I would someday especially since my husband wanted kids so much!)
Post # 12
thanks everyone, this really makes me feel sooo much better. I think also because DH is super “Let’s do this! I want a baby now!” it makes me feel like I have to be the “debbie downer” and think about all of the stress, lack of sleep, money problems, missing out on our couple time (and potentially fighting when under stress and lack of sleep…) etc. I feel bad because it prevents me from jumping in with both feet and being as excited as he is. Though I imagine that feeling will change when I DO get pregnant (and i’m still paranoid about not being able to). I’m just not that keen on trying so hard!
anyway it was really helpful to hear everyone’s own issues with this. I really thought I was the odd one out, especially since the board is driven by a lot of excited posts about TTC (which I love to read and share in the excitement!)
Post # 13
I definitely feel the same way, and reading the responses here it makes me feel better that it seems to be normal!
I had EXTREME baby fever last year, but my DH wasn’t comfortable with where he was in his career. He also wasn’t emotionally ready to be a dad, but he admitted that the career (and our location because of said career) was a huge factor. He got a better job this summer, and we moved to a much better area, and he is way more ready, but I am oddly way more not ready. We’re doing so well financially, we finally have money and time to go on fun vacations, and sometimes I just want to put off TTC and enjoy our new freedom for a year or 2. Not to mention the fact that I run my own business, and I really have no idea how much of my work I’ll still be able to do while pregnant/caring for a baby. But I do still want kids, and I know that if I put it off, then have a hard time of it, I’ll look back and regret “wasting” time.
Post # 14
UsagiTsukino: yep, i hear you! Do you mind if i ask how old you are? I feel that now that I’m in my 30s, it just doesn’t make sense to put it off. What if we have trouble conceiving? I want two kids and want them somewhat further apart in age, but I also don’t want to be pregnant in my late 30s (just a matter of preference)? etc.
But I also can’t believe that I’m already at THAT point in my life — the one i’ve definitely dreamed of over the years — and it’s not all perfect as I always thought it would be! I still feel like I don’t have everything figured out and the idea of bringing a human being into my life makes me break out into a minor sweat!
Post # 15
krystalite: I turn 29 in November. So there is the thought in the back of my mind that if I put TTC off for a year to have fun, I’ll be 30. And I wanted at least 3 kids (actually I want 4….), but also don’t want to be chasing around a toddler when I’m 40 (totally get that feel), so at 36 or 37 we’ll be done no matter how many we’ve had by that point. At least we don’t mind having them close together; DH and his sister were only 16 months apart and he loved having a built-in buddy, so that was our plan from the start.