Post # 1
Okay bees, I’m ready to confess. I know this makes me a pretty sucky fiance and I’m horribly guilty about it, but I’d like some advice…
Before me and my FI started dating, me and a guy from work flirted. It’s not the outright "I like you/you’re hot" kind of flirting…it’s the "you’re really cool, we get along great, let’s hang out" kind of flirting, if that makes sense. Nothing was outrightly said by either of us, so when word got out that I was serious about someone else, it wasn’t a big deal. We’ve gone on being friends, toning down the "flirting," until recently.
I adore my fiance and want to get married to him, no doubt about that…it’s just that I genuinely care about the guy from work and want to see him happy, too. He’s such a good guy and would never, ever make a move on me as I’m engaged.
My problem is that I am around him all the time at work, have to work very closely with him, and I actually care about him. I find myself putting lipstick on before I see him, smiling and laughing more around him, and thinking about him quite a bit.
There’s nothing lacking in my relationship with my FI- well, except for the fact that he lives in Orlando and I live in Houston and we get to see each other roughly once a month, but usually a little longer than that. I only have two more months until I move there, away from Work Guy, but I guess I just need a little advice on what to do to keep my sanity until then.
Post # 3
Good for you for being honest about this with yourself.
I’m sure it’s tough being away from your fiance for such long periods of time!
And I think it’s normal to feel attracted to different people based on their different attributes and how those complement your own personality.
It sounds like you have a great friendship with Work Guy and I think it’s worth asking why that is. What is it about him that makes you want to put on lipstick? How is he different from your fiance and how is he the same? What do you love about FI that Work Guy lacks?
It might give you some peace of mind to acknowledge their differences and the parts of yourself that are attracted to them, while also keeping in mind what your overall priorities are in a relationship.
Post # 4
I don’t know if I have any good answers for how to keep your sanity in this situation but just some things to think about – are you sure that these feelings will go away when you move? Will you continue to keep in touch with Work Guy? Will he be invited to the wedding? Are you going to cut him out of your life completely or continue being good friends over the phone/email/etc? What if the same situation was happening to your fiance? Would you think it’s no big deal and still feel confident that he loves you and wants to marry you if you knew that he was thinking about another girl a lot, smiling and laughing more around her, fixing his hair and looking his best when he knew he would see her?
It’s a bit worrisome that you are engaged, should be over the moon in love with your fiance and super excited to get married, and yet you find yourself happier when you are around him and thinking about him quite a bit. I know you probably don’t want to hear this but that seems to raise some concern. I hope you can work this out!
Post # 5
FI and I did long distance for about 2 years. Over the course of that time, I definitely had minor and innocent flirtations with some guy friends from school. For me, it was an attention thing. I wasn’t getting it from him (because we were far away) and it felt good to be paid attention to. This didn’t mean I didn’t love my FI any less and it never ever crossed any lines, but it was fun to talk to some one face to face. So I guess what I’m saying is I understand and it’s ok. And for some one who’s doing long distance, I think it’s pretty normal. We spend more time with people from work than any one else in our lives, so creating friendships is normal. I think what HannahT said was good advice. Just remind yourself of the things you love most about your fiance. If you find yourself thinking about Work Guy, call up your fiance and talk to him instead. Having an emotional affair (and I’m not saying that is what you’re doing, but it has the possibility of turning into that) is just as bad as a physical one. Don’t worry too much about it and just think of how great it will be when you’re with your FI full-time in 2 months.
Post # 6
You need to affair proof your relationship stat! There are several books on this situation and I’d suggest one by Dr. Willard/or his son Steve Harley as they are experts on the subject and I follow their relationship advice..read all the other books but to me, they’re the best.
The warning sign is how he makes you feel, fact on some level you’re attracted to him, and that you primp before seeing him. Again, I agree with the other poster that you should be way over the moon in love right now as real life will set in really quickly after the I do’s, so this bothers me.
I’d get one of these books and I’d so some soul searching, maybe see a marriage friendly counselor. Continued contact with the coworker might be seriously damaging your relationship, even if it’s on a superficial level now for the deeper feelings are already present as you said they were. As an encore bride who had an xh who cheated, I can say that they all begin innocently..to some extent with mutual attraction being the underlying problem and then one acts on it impulsively. I never got any further explanation from the x except for that.
My friends the encore couple who recently remarried, his w had an affair and that is why he divorced her. Yes, they reconciled, but it took time. Take it from me and from my friends, affairproof things NOW. Love isn’t all moonlight and roses, it does take work sometimes and long absences could be triggering these feelings. I know Dr. Harley says that for a couple to remain and keep the "In Love" feeling alive, 15 hours of time spent doing enjoyable things with your partner is needed (kind of like dating).
Post # 7
I agree with EAQ. If you guys lived in the same zip code, I would be concerned. That you are long distance and craving attention is probably natural. Keep your feelings in check as Hannah described. If you continue to think about this guy after you are united with your FI, then perhaps give this more thought.
Only my opinion!
Post # 8
Q: Do you two do things OUTSIDE of work? Do your coworkers go out after work?
Post # 9
I think you’re fine! My FI and I were long distance for three years before he moved to be with me, so I totally understand the flirting thing. We probably both flirted with other people while we were apart- it’s natural (especially if he’s hot!! )
I say, talk to your FI more, get him on the webcam and generally spend more time thinking about him for now. When you move there, if you are still wanting something else or different amounts of attention from other people than you FI, then start talking to your man. Explain to him your feelings and come to a mutual decision about things.
And maybe stop getting dolled-up for Work Guy… you will probably just feel better if you are yourself in front of him and not so worried about his attention.
Post # 10
I agree with EAQ – if you felt this way and you were in the same city as your FI, I would be really worried. Given that you are long distance, it seems a bit less concerning that you have developed this attraction. However, it sounds like you are potentially on a path to making some very bad decisions, so I would suggest pulling back contact with Work Guy. Put Down The Lipstick. You need to end this flirtation Stat.
Put your energy into wedding projects, moving, preparing for your marriage, etc. Fill your lift with other exciting things. Marriage is so wonderful, you have so much to look forward to!!
Post # 11
Thanks so much, everyone! Obviously, this bothers me enough to have to discuss it with a relatively anonymous audience, so I agree with bellenga and emileee that I do need to do some soul searching and figure this out.
In response to some of the questions/comments and to further clarify, I will not maintain a relationship with Work Guy after I move to Orlando. We don’t have a relationship other than casual chats at work…we’ve never even gone out to lunch together! I think what bothers me is that the weekend that me and FI got together, I was invited to a party where he would be. We talked about going, looked forward to seeing each other there, but I knew that if I went, I wouldn’t be able to commit myself in good faith to my FI (who was, obviously, not my FI at the time). I always wonder…what would have happened? Would I be with Work Guy instead?
I am so happy with my FI and can’t wait to be with him. I am much happier with my FI than when I’m around Work Guy, by far…I think it’s just the face to face contact that I crave at this point. I’m overwhelmed with work, school, and living with my family, don’t have a lot of time for social things after work because I spend a good deal of my time on the phone with my FI since it’s long distance…it’s just a rough time right now.
It’s not a matter of if I’m going to cheat on my FI. I refuse to. I know love is a choice, not a feeling, and I choose to love him, regardless and because of everything that happens to us and around us. It’s just a matter of keeping myself from going insane until I finally get away from all these stressful situations and get to take a breather!
Post # 12
I agree with the other ladies, I’m sure it’s innocent but you don’t want to let it go somewhere bad. Therefore spend more time on wedding/fiancee related stuff and put down the lipstick 😉 I had a similar situation but we’ve been together for almost ten years and it was definitely just an attention thing while we were apart. That being said I had to re-evaluate the way I related with the person because I didn’t want the situation to escalate (ie. no more primping before seeing, when you do see him keep fiancee in mind, especially "what would my fiancee think if he saw me saying/doing this….") you know just so you keep things in check.
Post # 13
That’s awesome that you did not go to the party..that was what I was wondering about because at my former job, we all socialized together (not meaning you two socializing alone mind you) and that is wierd territory.
Where I used to work, there was a guy and a girl (she was married, he was seriously dating somebody and ended up marrying) who joked and called each other "work wife" and "work hubby". They were bff’s at work and ate lunch together, everything. When he left to go to another practice and got married, the girl was seriously depressed..we all suspected it was a deeper thing than she let on to, we never thought she or he EVER cheated, but it was like watching a wierd breakup nonetheless from the girls’ side.
It is hard and I know it’s hard on you to be apart from FI, and I don’t think you would do that (cheat) but definitely for all getting married, affairproofing a marriage is a great start..making sure things stay on the right track ALWAYS. I’d definitely make a 100 percent shift towards doing wedding related things and even bring your planning tools to work to do inbetween breaks, etc.
Nothing tells a guy you’re off limits than seeing an "Elegant Bride" magazine on your cubicle desk! Well that and a lovely engagement ring too!
Wish you both nothing but the best.
Post # 14
I think that you are completely normal, your relationship is fine, and you seem to be handing this well. I think it is extremely natural to have these mini (completely innocent) crushes or "what if?" moments in our lives – same zip code or not. It all depends on how we act on them. Like miss norris said, put the lipstick down. It only adds confusion. Just be your everyday self. When you find your mind wandering towards your work crush start think ing about your FI instead. Don’t beat yourself up that you made a male friend, continue to leave it at that… friend. I’m going to have to disagree with some of the posters who say you should be over the moon and not even thinking about anyone else. We’re human, thinking happens, it’s the acting part that we have much more control over.
Post # 15
I think it is totally normal to be attracted to another person whether your are engaged or married, the point that seperates us from the animals is that humans have the ability to make decisions so that infidelity does not happen. I have been attracted to coworkers and engaged in very innocent flirting (never any playful touching) just talking in passing at work; and I think this is normal. What I don’t do is go out one on one with any guy after work/ or during lunch; because I feel that THIS type of action is inappropirate, not the flirting.
In terms of what you desribed is innocent, normal, and no cause for alarm. Attraction is human nature, infidelity is not, and according to what you wrote you arn’t comprising yourself or your relationship.
Post # 16
I admit that I did disagree with the "over the moon" idea…Work Guy is by no means someone I’m falling for or even interested in extending our relationship. I will certainly stop putting on lipstick and looking at myself in the mirror before I know I’ll see him…that was an error on my part. I’m not sure in what part of my brain I thought that was a good idea! I’m seeing FI next weekend, so I’ll soak in all the face to face contact I can get then look forward to moving. 🙂