- 2 weeks ago
I’m not necessarily new to these boards, and while I have never posted my own thread, for over a year I read pretty much every waiting thread that was made. I never posted because at the back of my mind I knew what I was going to hear from you all, and I wasn’t ready for that. Also, this is super long so I apologise and thank you for taking the time to read. For those of you who don’t wish to, a TL;DR will be included at the end.
I am no longer with the person who I was with ‘waiting’ for marriage. We have been seperated for coming up to a year almost. It’s somewhat of your typical waiting story – for over 2 years he strung me along, saying he wanted to marry me but couldn’t for x, y and z reason. Somehow all the reasons where my issues e.g I was too immature, too bossy, too socially awkward… the list could go on. No matter what I did or how I went about fixing these so called issues it was never good enough – something else that was ‘wrong’ with me always came up and needed to be addressed before we could marry. It was like I was never good enough. I questioned him why he was even with me and happy living with me (we lived together from 6 months onwards) if I had all these flaws that affected him so significantly it would stop him from marrying me which is something he said he wanted to do. He said I was a work in progress and he saw great potential in me if I could just not be so x, y and z (f**k off, I know right? lol).
Over a period of time, I stopped leaving the house and did not look for employment even though I had just completed a degree and lived in an area where that business was booiming. I stopped seeing my friends, and I isolated myself from my family. I was so conscious of all these ‘flaws’ I had and coulnd’t fix. I was always anxious that other people saw these flaws and that they would gossip about me behind my back. I think during this time my aim was to not leave the house and live my life until I had somehow fixed these ‘flaws’.
I won’t even go into the break up, but it was nasty.
I began picking up the pieces of my life, slowly. I had to began studying again as the field I was previously qualified in is constantly changing and my knowledge was out dated and I was have to go back and re-do the course so I decided I would go in a different career direction. I’m in the process of moving to a new city, and I feel like a different person in many ways.
While I can definitely say I prefer this version of me than the one I was in the relationship, I feel like that experience has permanently bruised and changed who I am as a person. I still struggle with going outside and into the public as I’m always worried about not presenting a certain way, not being good enough, doing something embarrassing or awkward etc. I don’t have many friendships or connections anymore becuase I am so shy and always second-guessing what I say or do. And when I do make a mistake or do something a little awkward its hard for me to engage with those people again becuase I’m always nervous that they are secretely laughing inside their head about that one time I tripped over or spilt my coffee. I also have a lot of issues with my appearance. Not necessarily weight or specific features, but nothing feels like me… if that makes sense. No hairstyle, no clothing style etc feels like I belong in it. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t really know who I am or what I like anymore.
I guess the part of me that has been affected by this the most is my self worth. Its not that I don’t necessarily feel worthy, it moreso feels like I deserve to be punished. For example, my car recently broke down and while most people would be bummed and frustrated, I chose not to bat an eyelid becuase I perceived it as an act of punishment from the universe. And in a way, whenever something negative happens to me I am almost always relieved… I kind of feel like with a set amount of time of being punished I’d be cleansed of my mistakes and able to move forward without shame or feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I sound so crazy talking like this… Even when family members or friends ask when I’m looking to date again its always awkward because I have to fight myself from saying something like “I won’t be dating again. I’m used goods now. No man is going to want me”. I never say it because I know it would make things awkward but its how I feel.
I know you guys often suggest therapy here so I wanted to let you know that I do speak with a counsellor. I have told her how I felt and what my waiting experience did to me but I don’t feel like she gets it. We’ll spend a session listing reasons why I am worthy, or why people around aren’t going to be still talking about that time I spilt my coffee 2 weeks ago… but they all feel like superficial reasons, and even the ones I can comprehend and agree with logically still don’t sit with me emotionally.
I don’t even know why I’m writing for at this point. I guess to vent? And maybe for some advice too. What would you guys do if you were in this emotional situation and the feelings weren’t going away over time or with therapy?
TL;DR was a waiting bee for 2 years, bf strung me along, said he wanted to marry me but couldn’t because I wasn’t good enough in x, y, z area. No amount of working on myself was good enough. There were still all these flaws that prevented him from being able to marry me. Eventually we broke. Self esteem and self worth still extremely affected, am horribly self concious and feel worthless all the time. In therapy and its not helping. This has been going on for almost a year. What else can I do?