Confession… waiting has ruined my self esteem

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

chaiteababy :  

Therapists are not a one size fits all deal. If you don’t feel like you are clicking with the one you are seeing now, you can try another one.

You are on the road to healing, it takes time and a bit of work but it sounds like you are ready <3

Your post hits home to me. I used to look people in the eye as they told me how sweet I was and think “if you only knew me, you would hate me too”. Lots of hard work with therapists that were a good fit and those thoughts are long gone.

Post # 4
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Your ex was an a–hole, and I know that it’s hard not to be affected by his hurtful words especially when he made you feel so shitty and unworthy. In my opinion and based on what you have shared, I don’t really think it’s waiting that has affected your self-esteem and your emotional health. I think it’s your experience with your ex. Prior to dating my current bf of 4 years, I lived with and dated a person who was toxic for 4 years (he cheated btw). He would also tell me he wanted to marry me, talk about what it would be like if we were married and had children together, but he would also belittle me because now that I think of it, I probably made him feel insecure because his life was actually so shitty and he was so incapable. When he lost his job, he drank every night while I supported us both in a downtown toronto condo (because he wanted to live there). I knew he was unfaithful but he always denied it and said I was crazy and stupid. I would wake up in the middle of the night checking to see if he came home, or tried to call him multiple times a night. I remembered I would be shaking each time I dialed. I also distanced myself away from my friends and family, and never dared telling them how he hit me because I knew exactly what they would say. When I finally had the courage to break up with him after finding out, with proof, that he slept with some girl the night of our 4th anniversary, I felt relieved. With support from friends, I finally went to seek professional help, in hopes of uncovering and mending all the stuff ive avoided facing in the past decade (parents divorce, previous abusive relationships). I learned that I had anxiety. I did CBT and individual sessions and with the support of my bf, friends and family, I am happy to say that I can finally learn to be myself again. I know it’s a long journey, but don’t give up trying to find yourself again. You coming on here to tell us your story is already making another step to healing. *hugs*

Post # 5
Member
6799 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

1) Get a new therapist. Finding the right therapist for you can involve some trial and error. You don’t have to stick with the first one you see.

2) It sounds like you were in a very toxic relationship and most likely an emotionally/verbally abusive one. It will take time to heal from that and to find yourself again. Maybe if therapy isn’t giving you the perspective you could try reading some self-help books.

3) People aren’t things. There’s no person on this earth that should be described as “damaged goods” and you certainly shouldn’t describe yourself that way.

Post # 7
Member
5495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

I wish I had something wise to tell you but I only have one thing.

You know your ex? The one who told you that you were too this or not enough that? There is something you should know about that guy. He’s weak. He’s a weak person and  the only way that he can move through life is by lying to people and trying to make them feel as weak as he really is. All those things he said about you, those things you now think about yourself? All bullshit he created and fed you to keep you down so he could be up. It’s an illusion created to turn you into what you are now so that he can feel strong. But he isn’t strong, he isn’t anything at all.

You’re the strong one. You’re still here and your working at it everyday and that takes strength, something he won’t ever have or be able to take from you.

Post # 10
Member
29 posts
Newbee

chaiteababy :  Always remember there is someone out there for you! I agree with the other bees, sometimes you need to see different therapists to get different opinions and in the process, you will probably discover more about yourself too. 

Post # 11
Member
4695 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

chaiteababy :   I am so sorry for the anguish you went through.  You sound like a wonderful person to me, there is nothing wrong with being hurt after your disappointment.  Now is the time to pick up the pieces and put them back together – one small step at a time.  Be sure to praise yourself for your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem.  Rebuilding self esteem takes time.   Do things to help other people or animals – when I was at my lowest points in life, I was advised to help someone else.  I thought it was good advice.  Wishing you the best, please keep in touch!  

Post # 13
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I am so so sorry you had to navigate through all of that. 

I know this isn’t probably advice people like to get, but that relationship honestly formed you into the person you were meant to be. It might not feel like it now, but one day you will look back and realize you are a much stronger and wiser person because of it. 

If you think about any great heroes or role models think about why you look up to them. I guarantee it is because of the way they faced adversity. 

Stay strong and remember that you are becoming the person you’re meant to be smile

Post # 14
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you should know that many people feel the way you do in varying degrees. We all have times we doubt our self worth. Are we pretty enough, kind enough, clean enough, educated enough, thin enough, witty enough? Did that thing I did in grade school/college/last week still talked about? Did anyone see me just trip? Did everyone see that spinach between my teeth? Is everyone talking about how I wasted years of my life on some man and have never gotten over it? We all feel those things.

 

What you need to know is that we feel them about US, not everyone else. The most important topic to each one of us is US. They once did a study on most words used during a phone conversation and that word was ‘I’. We talk about how the weather affected us, how our friends, boyfriend, politics, work, kids, neighbors, how they affect us. As cool as you probably are, I doubt you are so interesting that people think about coffee you split 2 weeks ago much less 2 minutes ago.

 

What people will think about, regarding other people is how they affect them and those around them. Do you smile when you see them? Did you laugh at their joke? Did you know something about a topic? If you’re just a generally nice person people probably don’t think or say anything bad at all.

 

Think about out what you think or talk about other people, how many people do you speak ABOUT on a semi regular basis. Besides celebrities, politicians, significant others or bosses/coworkers that number can probably fit on 1 hand. And what do you actually say about them? Probably what we all do, which is not about spilled coffee or ex boyfriends.  Try to relax and know that people just aren’t noticing your mistakes like you do, and if they notice it’s probably forgotten pretty fast.

(Just like you’ve probably already forgotten any grammar/spelling mistakes I or anyone else who posted on your thread made)

Post # 15
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I second the idea of finding a new therapist. This one is not providing what you need. I’ve worked with therapists in the past, and sometimes I had to go through several to find the right one. Someone earlier suggested CBT. There are some online learning formats and also books on this. It is really helpful! Also, you might benefit from a book/workbook on social anxiety. Have you talked to a doctor about your feelings, too? I think you might benefit from a med for anxiety/depression, but of course that needs to be discussed with a doctor. Keep trying until you get the help you need. You’re worth it!!  

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