Post # 1
Ok, so, I used to be on these boards and I forgot what my user name was..so, here I am under a different name. Why am I posting this here? Idk. But I just have to confess this somewhere..
I think I love another man. Noone knows..not the guy, not anyone. He is a friend of my husband and I’s. I’ve had this crush on him for 8 years..I just, I love him. Immensely. He was married when I first had this crush..his wife left him and now I want to be with him even more now. But I am married! So, why did I marry the guy I am with now? Partly, cause I felt like I was supposed to–long story with that. He’s a really good guy but I’ve always had feelings for this other man. I haven’t said a word to anyone in 8 years! I adore everything about him.
I know that telling him how I feel would probably effect so many things. And I know the outcome would be pretty much bad for everyone. I know he’s attracted to me..he’s only said it like a million times..so, it is partly his fault..do to all the flattery. They kind of work together..and we all get together like once a week..and lately, all I do is stare at this other man..I was jealous of his ex, jealous of another lady he dated for a while and I know I will be jealous of anyone else he decides to date. He shouldn’t flatter me so much. I am sure he would be surprised letting him know how I feel…but if I did..who knows what could happen.
Sad thing is..I wonder..should I have gotten married..knowing I had these feelings? Probably not but I did..and so it is what it is. I thought the crush would go away..it went for a while, now it’s back. I just want to tell him how I feel but, I can’t…I can’t ever probably..and 8 years is a long time..and I don’t want him with any other woman but me.
I’d ask that you don’t judge too much, it’s better to write about it than to phone up the other guy..right? But I want to..I look at my phone and I am just like…I could just tell him right now..but I think of the outcome..and I don’t. But I want to tell him!
thanks for reading bees.
Post # 3
I think your husband deserves to know how you feel BEFORE you tell the other guy….
Post # 5
I’d say either this is telling you that you’re truly not happy with the man you did marry or you need to put up some boundaries with this other guy. I’m assuming cheating is not something you would do. I’m trying not to be judgy but when it comes to cheating i really don’t think there’s ever an excuse for it. It’s fine to feel attracted to someone else,. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you just stop ever being attracted to other people. I htink the key for me when I found my Fiance was that even when I was attracted to other guys, a little voice in the back of my head would say: “Yeah, but they’re not HIM” and I’d know in my gut that no matter what attractions came along, he was it for me.
It worries me that you think you got married for the wrong reasons. I’d seriously consider (and please don’t be offended because i know some people don’t “:believe in therapy but I strongly do), talking to a therpist who does not know anyone in your life. It could really help sort through these feelings. You might find you’re projecting your ideal qualities onto this man because you’re unhappy in your marriage or many, many other things. i know it isn’t easy feeling this way. The fact that you posted it as a confession tells me that you’re very aware of what’s at stake here and you have a good conscience. Take care and be well 🙂
Post # 7
for some reason my post spaced all weird, ugh.
But I probably won’t tell the guy I like him, so why tell my husband? at least, I hope I don’t..I want to pretty badly…I want to say probably I won’t at least.
Post # 8
@jodee11: I think you really need to do some reflection into your own life, marriage, and happiness.
If you don’t plan on ever acting on anything, then you need to decide whether it’s worth it to ruin your marriage (if you plan to stay with your husband I’m not entirely sure you should tell him), but if you fear that someday something may happen BEFORE your husband knows I think you have some thinking (and talking) to do.
It isn’t fair to you or to either of the men to live unhappily, but if this is lust or some other kind of feeling that isn’t full blown unhappiness/love then I would just keep things to yourself for now, or else things could go very wrong.
Have you thought about going to counseling, with or without your husband?
Post # 9
I agree w/ PP, just wanted to add a bit of the “grass is greener.” The “other guy” pays you compliments, sounds like he flatters you often…this does not guarantee that he wants to be with you, kiss you, marry you, or have kids with you. It sounds like a fantasy you have is to be with him and I think you need to understand that no one is perfect and flirtation does not = relationship.
I also feel like you are emotionally cheating on your husband, put the shoe on the other foot. If this was me I would be livid that my husband was in love and flirting w/ another women (a mutal friend) for 8 years. In my relationship that is emotional cheating and I would likely leave him if he told me or if I found out.
I don’t know enough to tell you what to do but it doesn’t seem like you and your husband are a good fit and I think he deserves someone who is invested in being with him and you deserve to not be in a relationship you feel you “need” to be in.
Post # 10
@jodee11: 8 years is a long crush. Your husband deserves to know, ONLY if you are willing to risk everything to be this man. It’s only fair to your husband. Also be prepared to be judged by people in real life.
i’m actually going against the grain and say confess your feelings to see if they are truly returned. If not, you are throwing everything away.
Post # 11
You should really put in the effort to distance yourself from him. DON’T let yourself enjoy thinking about him. Indulging in those types of thoughts instead of pushing them away and not allowing yourself to think them is likely a big part of why you are where you are right now.
I know you said you’ve liked him for 8 years, but try to drive home that thought that knowing him the way you know him now and knowing him IN A RELATIONSHIP are totally different things. There are probably so many things that you have now in your marriage that you wouldn’t have with this other guy.
Do you consider your husband to be your best friend? Do you feel closer to him than with this guy? In all likelihood, it’s the forbiddenness of this situation that makes this guy so appealing. If you actually want to get over him (and hopefully you still do at this point – if you’ve emotionally abandoned your husband and thrown yourself into the idea of this other man, you would have to work at re-prioritizing), get away from him as much as possible, and when you think of him try to think only of the reasons he wouldn’t be a good partner. Really, you should be trying not to think of him at all.
Post # 12
Your husband deserves to know and deserves to at least have you TRY to work on your relationship with him first.
I would stay away from this other man for the time being. I disagree that flattery makes it “partially his fault”. It’s your responsibility to cull your own feelings and take charge of your relationship. You can’t help who you love, but you can make your priority your husband.
This sounds like bad news to me.
Post # 13
This is tough. Wish i had more advice but follow your heart and be wise about expressing your feelings if you decide to. I would probably tell my husband or before i felt i would act on any of those feelings. May i ask did the friend tell you he was attracted to you directly? im curious to know if this means you have convos and spend time together without your husband around.
Post # 14
Well, you did marry someone you maybe shouldn’t have, and that’s the first thing you need to deal with. Take the other guy out of the equation… would you still want to be with your husband?
If I were you, I would do everything possibly possible to make my marriage work FIRST. Spend more romantic time together, go on a vacation, go to therapy, whatever. I’ve seen a lot of women get attached to other men when their relationship is not going so great. There’s also kind of a tendency (I’ve had it too) to romanticise past loves / relationships. Have you really felt like this the ENTIRE 8 years, or is it just coming up now? Are your feelings due to unresolved issues or the fact that you never got together? I’m not doubting you, I’m just trying to say that maybe your feelings aren’t what you think they are (i.e. a sign that the two of your should be together).
Be careful. Just because you are attracted to each other doesn’t mean you’d be a good couple. Imagine if you left your husband for the other guy, and you broke up two months later. If that seems ok to you, then I would say that’s a bad sign for your marriage, and maybe a separation would be best, regardless of the outcome with the other guy.
Good luck, you’re in a tough situation!
Post # 15
It bothers me that you don’t seem to have any guilt over this situation. Don’t you think your husband deserves to be married to someone who is crazy in love with him and truly wants to be with him and only him? That’s the part that is hard not to judge – that you’re so wrapped up in imagining how much greener the grass must be on the other side that you’re spending more time thinking about telling this other guy you like him than you are worrying about being a better wife and how you can get over this and re-direct that energy onto the guy you married.
And for what it’s worth, it’s easy to see someone as being perfect for you and so attractive when you see them just once or twice a week. You’ve got this guy up on a pedestal that I’m sure he couldn’t possibly live up to if you were living together like you and your husband. For all you know he has some awful personality trait, or some super annoying habits and flaws, that you’re just not seeing because of how rarely you see him and the perfect light that you’re casting him in.
Post # 16
I think you should remember that how you picture a relationship with this man will be may not neccesarily be how it will really be. The thing about crushes and infatuation is that we imagine and fantisize a situation so perfect… and the reality can be very different. . I think you should distance yourself from this person. You can’t assess the health of your marriage with him clouding your judgement. Address your marriage independently of this other man.