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This is not fair to you or your fiance. I would call off the wedding. This is no way to start a life together. I am not blaming you at all. I think you are very brave to confront these feelings rather than act on them in a sneaky way. I think the timing is bad, and you need to call of the wedding before it gets any closer. This doesn't mean you and FI cannot be together. It just means you are not ready to commit for life.
Wow, what a tough situation.
I think you should take a step back and really think about things. Are you truly having feelings for this other guy, or is it one of those things where the grass might just be greener on the other side, and perhaps that is why you are tempted?
Are you perhaps feeling insecure about your relationship since it seems he has *strayed* in the past?
Six years is a long time, but it is definitely not a reason to stay with someone. I'm not saying that IS your reason, I'm just saying that even if you have been together for 6 years and are now engaged, you don't HAVE to get married or stay with him.
Can you take a step back, and maybe take a few days to yourself to think about things? I think you need to think long and hard, and separate your heart and your mind. At the end of the day, you need to be happy. And YOU are the only person that can make yourself happy.
Would leaving your FI make you happy in the long run? If yes, you might want to consider it. If the answer is no & you don't feel you could EVER be happy without your FI, then that is something to think about.
Do you think that this little crush has developed on this other guy simply because you know that he likes you. It is always nice to be pursued by someone and wanted and appreciated. Sometimes, long term boyfriends and FI's can take us for granted. They don't do the little things to make us happy, or bring us flowers and give us surprises. New boyfriends do. And that can be fun. But you also have to realize that all relationships calm down after a while.
If things aren't so hot with your FI (flames can definitely fade as time goes on), you need to decide if you can find that spark again with your FI, or if it is gone forever.
And perhaps if this crush is just that- a little crush on a guy who has shown interest in you- then perhaps it won't go anywhere, but you should think about why you are having these thoughts.
It seems like you are in a really tough place. I am sure the hive will have a lot of good thoughts for you. I think you need to really listen to your heart, and listen to yourself. You deserve to be happy, and you need to do whatever it is that will make you happy. And I'm not talking about immediate happiness. It's not about what will make you happy today or next week. It's about being happy forever. Long term!
GOOD LUCK!!!!
I think that if you're even thinking about acting on your feelings for the other man than you should call off or at least put your wedding on hold for now.
I agree with heathaah. You need to call off the wedding if you are having very serious thoughts about cheating on your FI. I second that you are incredibly brave to confront and admit to the feelings you are having, because it's scary to come to such a big realization. If you and your FI stay together, I would say its imperative that you cut off all ties with your old friend, for everyone's sanity.
Good luck, Betulacordifolia. <3
I think first thing's first. What is the deal with FI having virtual affairs?? Is this dead and buried or not? So was this whole thing two years ago and not since? You say you are now committed to each other, but you bring this up. So either you are not over it, he's still doing it, or you are dredging up the past to make a case for not marrying him.
Now with regards to the old flame, only you can decide if your feelings ar serious. I think having generic wedding jitters is common. But if you are having serious feelings toward a particular person, you might need to put the wedding on hold while you sort this out. Persoanlly, I would recommend sorting out how you feel about your FI, before anything. In other words, I wouldn't base whether or not you stay with your Fi, on if you end up being able to make a go with the old flame. It's like saying if we really have feelings, I'll dump Fi. But if it fizzles out, or we find that things just aren't what we thought, I'll continue with the wedding. That's making FI second fiddle, and not fair to either of you.
Probably everyone can be a little tempted. Maybe thinking someone who isn't their spouse is attractive, etc. But if you have real feelings for this other guy, and you want to explore that, that is another story. Good luck sorting this out.
Have you told your fiance? It's completely normal to wax nostalgic for "the one that could have been." The trick is to admit it. If you WANT to keep it secret, then it seems like you're seriously thinking about acting on emotions, rather than just fantasizing. If that's the case, and you don't feel you could tell your FI, then the previous posters are correct- call it off. If you can admit it, then it may simply be a passing fancy. My fiance not only knew about my ex, they've chatted on the phone! It's all about your motivations.
Let me preface this with I had a VERY similar situation right after FI and I got engaged. Same thing reconnected as friends, had crushes in high school, he was my best friend. I also have a conscience and felt guilty about "enjoying" my friendship with him. At that time, even though FI and I took the plunge and it was what I wanted, I started doubting things like the sex or how the rest of our lives would be because this is my second time around and well, you just start to question if it will end up like the first marriage. We have been together for 6 years also. All I can tell you is do not let it go any farther until you talk to your fiance. Once I talked to mine it made all the difference in the world. He realized I as a woman (and a girly girl) needed certain things to feel wanted and appreciated. I know the whole mystery of what could have happened is what kept drawing me out of the friend zone and into danger zone. You need to make a decision. Is this man really worth ruining your relationship with your fiance? Marriage is for the rest of your life and if you do more than just entertain ideas of this "friend" that can change the rest of your life as well. I will promise you this...if I could go back I would change a lot of things about the situation I was in. I would have stopped it all before anything ever began. Nothing happened, but when I received flowers from him I should have told him that was unacceptable bc that opened the door to a lunch meeting, flirting and talking every day. Things that should have been reserved for my fiance.
I am sorry that your fiance had his own little indescretions. However, you say you have mended ties so that means no more on his part and he expects the same of you regardless of what he did in the past right? If pursuing this other guy is what you really want to do then you need to call off your engagement, but do not talk yourself in to thinking a fling is alright. I only say this because, I know that is not the way you would want your fiance starting off your marriage.
I hope none of this sounds crude in any way. I just do not want you making a mistake that you will regret. I hate keeping things from my fiance, so I came clean to him and it was horrible. Even though I didn't do anythign physical, it was just horrible. But, we talked it over, I told him all my feelings of why I thought I connected with my old friend so well and it was hard to say and hard for him to hear. We got past it and now things are seriously better than ever. I am so glad that I kept my head straight and did not decide I wanted this other guy instead of FI bc it is simply not true. I thank my lucky stars every day for FI. No one could EVER possibly replace we have. :)
BTW...even though we were great friends...I cut all ties to him and the relationship. I could have kept talking to him behind FI's back, but that would not have been fair at all.
I agree with all the above posters. It sounds like this is not a good time to be entering into a marriage for you. You could still end up married to your fiance, but there are so many issues that don't seem resolved, it would seem a much better idea to resolve them first, then enter your marriage knowing you want your fiance and no one else, now and forever.
* Are you perhaps feeling insecure about your relationship since it seems he has *strayed* in the past?
A resounding yes. I can tell myself whatever I want and want to believe that it will be fine, but believeing doesn't makes things so.
* Would leaving your FI make you happy in the long run?
No, but I'm living in a self-created world of what-ifs and it's driving me crazy.
* If the answer is no & you don't feel you could EVER be happy without your FI, then that is something to think about.
Yes I could be happy and he is a sweet man, but I'm - as the title of the posting goes - am conflicted. Pre-wedding jitters? You betcha' Something more than that - possibly.
* What is the deal with FI having virtual affairs?? Is this dead and buried or not? So was this whole thing two years ago and not since?
We were going through a rough spot, fighting more often... (we rarely fight, btw and when we do it's over stupid things...) as happens in most if not all relationships. While I poured myself in to work and college, he decided to take a different route. That's all I can say about that, really. I would like to say that it's dead and buried, but ever since that happened, I haven't felt exactly the same way, although I want to (and yes I know, the "puppy love" phase doesn't last forever). I just don't operate that way and to know that he had done those things... I just can't put 2 & 2 together. Most of it is being scared that it will happen again. I believe him when he says "we're engaged now, nothing like that will ever happen again" but I still worry. The same thing happened a few months after I first moved in with him too. (Neglected to add this part, we have lived together for 5 years).
I am steeping in guilt - gulit for thinking that the FI might "do it" again (and I want to believe him with all of my heart). Am I neurotic? A tad bit (and unafraid of self-deprication). Ugh... not only have we lived together for years, but he's been through a lot of bad stuff (an understatement, I assure you) and I don't want to hurt him. Heh, I know that my friend would take me in an instant. He has told me that he likes this little crush, but he accepts the situation and won't interfere. And yeah, you never know - there's a chance that if I were to act, nothing would happen and I would be giving up on my FI.
Maybe I just needed to rant to a group of starngers? Get it off of my chest...
It's an exciting thing to receive attention from an old crush, and after six years things might seem a little bland or stale with your fiance. I experienced a little bit of a distraction from my relationship with a good friend right before my engagement.
I'm not going to suggest calling off the wedding, but instead direct that emotional/physical energy into doing special things with your hubby. it takes a conscious effort to put him out of your mind and focus on your future life with your future husband. I'm so glad I did that, and have no regrets. i'm the happiest person in the world now, and haven't thought about my old friend/crush since. There's not an answer us bees can give you that is the right or wrong thing.
I would talk to your fiance about about your apprehensions and insecurities...and then put this all behind you. Your life and marriage will be full of distractions and it's important to establish a pattern (the both of you) about how you will deal with people and situations that cause you think unfaithfully...so you can stop it before it becomes anything more.
Ohh...be very carefull here- while I normally avoid gut spilling to those I don't know, here's my story.
At the ripe old age of 21, with a toddler in tow, I met the most beautiful man in the world. We were madly in love, but we were at different places in life. We dated for 6 years without making a permanent commitment, but it never occured to either one of us that we would have a future without one another. We drifted together and apart, but the love and admiration we had for one another could not be disputed. One day, I went out with a man whose fiance' had just left him. He was rebounding, but had the stability that I wanted for myself, and my daughter. We eventually moved to another state and after 5 years, he proposed. I said yes, then felt the need to tell my old friend that I was getting married. He wanted to come, and possibly disrupt the marriage, but he believed I was happy, and my daughter as well. He would not interfere. I did not speak to him after that. 3 years later, my marriage is in trouble (b/c I should not have married this man), my daughter, now a teen is causing all kinds of hell..I receive an email "Are you happy?" It says. I write back that yes, I was. But the occasional email turned in to some calls. Again, totally harmless. One night, on a visit to go see my daughter (now living with her father in my home town) I agree to meet with my old friend for one drink. While I kissed him, that's all I did. That night began the nightmare of realizning that my marriage was over. On my next visit, I did cross the line and when I told DH, I did not apologize; I wasn't sorry. Pervious attemps at marriage counciling were ignored by DH. That's when I knew it was time to leave. I knew that I could go home, but I was not the same person, and not where I needed to be. I spent the worst month of my life, deciding whether to stay with my husband, or to come back to the man I could not forget. I would not sleep with DH; I would not sleep with two men at the same time. Fortunatley, they lived on opposite coasts. They both had let me down. I was in DAILY therapy. I nearly killed myself; no matter what I did, I would hurt someone that I loved. I'm glad my daughter was not around, to live the drama. I could barely function. I had the support of close friends, and a therapist who encourged the decision. DH was not a bad person (and did not deserve the way it all went down) but he wasn't the right person. I knew it, and should never have married him.
In the end, I left my husband. I knew in my heart that I would always look over my shoulder. I spent a year in a near coma, going through my divorce, dealing with the hurt that I felt, and that I caused. There just aren't words to describe the shock and tramua not only that I felt, but that I caused. My friend was there, and lived through the whole thing with me. We didn't try to pretend I wasn't going through it, and he was there through every tear.
My old friend, my soulmate and I will be getting married soon, and while I'm excited, I know it came with a price.
My point? be VERY, very careful here. Do not marry a man you are not fully commited to. If you think there's something you need to do first, talk to your FI about it. Go do it. Do whatever, to clean it up before you get married. I still believe that marriage is forever, and hate that I broke that vow. I love that FI trusts me enough and has enough faith is us to marry me. It just should never have happened.
FI and I have a saying now "Not just for forever, but for No Matter What." It means neiither one of us gets out of this.
Ask yourself this- If there were no old flame, would leaving FI still be in your best interest? Good luck.
thankyou Karma for your story-it made me both sad and happy for you at the same time, i wish you both the best!
to OP i also suggest holding all wedding plans until you sort this out. personally im in the "6yrs is a good run" camp for your current relationship and you have pointed out a number of current and past problems that i feel still need resolving
do you think these feeling will go away once you are married? communicate with your current partner and i suggest a 3rd party (counselling) might help in getting the issues discussed without turning into a fight
i believe sometimes you meet someone and you click. or a short time or a long time you never know but i feel the gods want you to experience time with that person so you can learn from it (the good and the bad) and continue with your future forwards. not all relationships are forever so how do you feel about forever with your FI? can you imagine every day for the rest of your life with him? do you want that?
there is a great risk of alot of pain here if you dont handle it properly. personally i would be heartbroken to find out the person i loved was thinking of another - to me its cheating even if nothing has physically happened.
take care and goodluck!
I agree with everyone else you should not be getting married atleast not now. If you truly love your fiance then y'all need to get your relationship right again(counseling and such) but if you really don't think he is the one be fair to both of you and tell him. But just remember there is always a honeymoon in love faze in a relationship where sparks fly and you think no one else can make you feel that way. When that faze is over with this other guy who do you see actually settling with and loving and charishing till death do you part.......
I admire youre being open and honest. I pray and hope it all works out for you!
Marriage is a committment. If you both are still looking at others, you are not ready to commit!
I don't have an anecdote but from what you've said, I think maybe it'd be a good idea to hold off the wedding and figure out what's going on. The fact that go forone last fling' was an option you considered (I gather this from the poll question, I maybe wrong) speaks volumes on your indecisiveness.
Is the fact that you've been together ofr 6 years playing any part in your decision to get married? I've seen friends take on the mentality of "well it's lasted X number of years so it must be right" when in reality their relationship has been in need of mending several years ago.
Think about it and consider what the previous posters have said. I wish you luck in your decision.
If you want to marry your FI, stop talking to this guy. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If you are looking for a way out, let your FI know and call off the wedding!
Thank you everyone who responded. Because of money and that a lot is paid for already (we're not rolling in it and are paying for the whole deal ourselves, with no outside help), calling off the wedding would prevent us from having a wedding for a good 2 years at least. It would also cause an irreparable rift since we currently live together, very likely ending in the dissolvement of our relationship.
Anyway, after a lot of thought and soul-searching, I know that I don't want to be thinking of another man while I'm prepairing for what should be the happiest day of my life.
LatteLove: I'm not going to suggest calling off the wedding, but instead direct that emotional/physical energy into doing special things with your hubby. it takes a conscious effort to put him out of your mind and focus on your future life with your future husband. I'm so glad I did that, and have no regrets.
I'm going to do just that.
While, I'm flattered, I have to chalk this up to past insecurities getting the best of me and a crush, just that - a crush. I've been nervous in general, something I'm sure all brides to be go through (although not necessarily in this sort of context) and the flattery from my friend just made me go temporarily insane. I had told my friend before that I was in it for the long-run with my FI and said as much yesterday too, that I could never leave my FI and adore him. To which he replied that he doesn't want to make us break up and understands. Anyway, I am not going to let this distract me anymore. I still intend on being a friend - just that and nothing more.
I agree with the others, this is unfair to your FH AND to you.
Stop talking to this man if you love your FH and want to be committed to him.
Also, I don't think "Flirt but don't act" is the right thing
I think DON'T flirt and DON'T act is the right thing.
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Sometimes it's easier to sacrifice myself to complete strangers, so here it goes. I am getting married in a few months and have been speaking with an old friend from high school on and off. In a nutshell, I recently found out that he had the biggest crush on me in highschool, I fancied him too, but both of us were too nervous to say a word (and he rolled with a slightly cooler croud, I just brushed it off as "yep he's cute, but it's not going to happen...). Now we're talking just about everyday, I know that he still likes me... and I'm starting to develop feelings for him. This is totally unlike me, I'm not the sort that strays and feel bad for even flirting. Heh, this guy has told me on many an occasion that my FI is a "lucky man". There's a good deal of tension, gladly he is in a different state, but has been planning on moving and signs point that my city is on his list. Now, my FI... I caught him having explicit conversations with women online, little virtual affairs - hell, he had posted personal ads before under my nose (although he didn't 'do' anyone). This was two years ago... (it happened before that too). We have since mended ties and are committed to our forthcoming marriage.(Yes, yes I'm not seperating this into proper paragraphs...). Still, ugh... I can't stop thinking of this old friend (and it doesn't help that the FI doesn't have much of a sex drive...). We both are very happy that we've re-connected and I'm at a loss. I don't want to leave my FI... we've been together for 6 years... I'm just dumb-struck as to what to do. I know the easy answer is, "flirt yeah... fine, but don't act on it", but I've been increasingly thinking of.. well, just that. And the thing is, it's not just a sexual attraction thing... not at all... both of us have deep rooted feelings for each other that we never expressed (partially because we were a wee bit cowardly back than and couldn't speak up).
Please, some words of advice. And keep the snark to a minimum, I already have enough guilt.