Post # 1
FI proposed on 12/21/13 on the Santa Monica Pier and it was perfect.
I have always found LONG engagements to be silly is there was no real purpose behind them (such as Money, family issues, etc) . . . So of course, I wanted to have a quickie engagement and have the wedding this summer…so about 7-8 months waiting/planning time.
Unfortunately in San Diego, everything is very expensive, and the wedding that would REALLY make me happy is in the neighborhood of 15K or so… FI quickly popped that bubble and said out MAX was 10K budget, since he only has 8K right now and my mom has offer to purchase my dress (1300) and my stepdad has offered to pitch in for some catering….
NOW I realize this will make me sound liek a Bridezilla, but a Wedding is an event I will hopefully only do once, so I would really like to have it the way i picture it, without having to cut corners everywhere to shrink a budget by 5-6K which is quite a lot! I’ve honestly tried to find over venues and such that would come together nicely but my heart is really set on the ocation we initial picked out… Is it wrong of me to stick to my guns even if it is “”currently”” out of our budget?
Now the idea would be to simply wait, and get married further down the line once we have saved up more money. Maybe 12-15 months engagement… Here lies the issue…FI is getting Deployed in OCT 2014 (if it doesn’t get moved that is, which it has multiple times so who knows when he would actually leave) and then he will be gone for 6-9 months. a 2 yr engagement just seems horribly long to me, and i fear that the readjustment period post deployment will make preparing for a wedding shortly after very akward. Not to mention if we set a date and the deployment gets moved we can lose the deposit!
Fi suggested we ELOPE prior to deployment, and then calmly plan a wedding / party /reception after his return, so that we can have the “wedding i really want” . . . HE IS VERY HUNG UP ON THE IDEA OF BEING MARRIED PRIOR TO HIM LEAVING. Not sure why…
Personally, I feel that eloping would really steal the specialness of a wedding… Since we will have already technically been married for over a year… I don;t think it would be genuine and i fear it would upset moany people if they found out about it.
I DONT NOW WHAT TO DO!!??? Help 🙁
I want my cake and want to eat it too i guess… Ugh so much stress I just wish his deployment got canceled and then i can plan a normal year long engagament wedding…. Blah
Post # 3
@EsC87: How much can you contribute to the wedding? Maybe if you chip in too, you can have the wedding you want before he is deployed.
Post # 4
@EsC87: There are many practical reasons to get married before a deployment. I think he is viewing this practically. You, however, said,
“I’ve honestly tried to find over venues and such that would come together nicely but my heart is really set on the ocation we initial picked out… Is it wrong of me to stick to my guns even if it is “”currently”” out of our budget?”
I don’t know what this means. Why is currently in quotation marks? If it’s out of budget, it’s out of budget.
I suggest you guys try to meet in the middle. If your FI took a bit more of a romantic approach and you took a bit more of a practical approach, you could end up with…well…a marriage.
Post # 5
@EsC87: First and foremost, have the wedding you can afford. It may mean waiting longer or readjusting your expectations. Yes, you only do it once (ideally), but it is only one day. Has your dad given you a specific amount? I also recommend not counting on money until you have it in your hand.
With that said, do you work/can you contribute to the budget? Anyway you can get a side job to help with saving? If you really want a special wedding day, then getting married first and doing a vow renewal later may be a let down…or it could turn out just fine. That is up to you two.
Post # 6
@julies1949: I have offered to contribute for the Dress, (which my mom ended up wanting to pay for) the video and Photo, which all amounted to about 5K. These were the items special to me at which i could bear no expenses cut out, so that is why i decided I would pay for them, so they could be as expensive as i wanted without having the FI feel pressured into spending what he would think was a ridiculous amount of money for Videos/Photos and a dress i would wea once lol
Even still he said “no it should be My 8K, plus your parents Money plus your money.
10 k should be are max with everything included…. Not sure wju he is being so adament about that budget when we can afford more realistically. I fear he may be trying to be conservative regarding finances as he will be “unemployed when he leaves the Navy” but that isn’t until late 2016!
Post # 7
I’m a military wife. From a military standpoint, it’s important to consider getting married before he leaves.
If, god forbid something happens to him while he’s gone (Even if he doesn’t deploy anywhere dangerous), you would have full legal rights to his care and have say over his body or medical treatment if he is unable to do so.
My husband and I married before one of his deployments partially for this reason. It makes things so much easier in the long run, and even in the short run.
Post # 8
@aliavenue: haha I like your last sentence there. 🙂
The reason i wrote currently in quotations is because we CAN afford mroe than 10K, he just doesn’t want to budge on the magic number of 10K for a reason unknown to me, I myself offered about 5K and my parents will be putting in around 3K…and he has 8K in a “wedding savings account” so even there thats 16K and he is still saying we can’t afford the venue I want, because with the extras “DJ, florist, etc” it will end up around 15K…
So we can afford it I believe but he is just saying we SHOULDN’t spend more than 15K and i think that is where a lot of my frustration is coming in.
Post # 9
@bmo88: Thank you for your kind words. I guess i forgot to mention I offered to pitch in around 5K myself (dress, photos and video expenses) since that is what i care about the most and wanted to spare no expense. The venue i wanted includes ceremony, reception, catering and decorations, bridal and groom suite for 100 guests at 10K + 20% service charge. So in reality going with that venue would’ve ended up at about 15K or so …
I am worried about the possible “let down” as you put it… Which is why I am wary of doing an elopment with the THEN controversial “vow renewal” / “wedding” party
Post # 10
@EsC87: Oh! Now I understand!
Ok, so, here’s what a friend of mind did. I wish I would have done it myself so I’ll throw it out there, as a fellow military wife.
She and her husband eloped before the deployment and took the cutest pictures in the whole world.
After he returned they did the most extravagant vow renewel with the money they saved on deployment.
I was not so secretly jealous that they were able to have two adorable events!
Just an idea!
Post # 11
@Hyperventilate: Thanks for the prospective, I guess i never thought of it that way since he is a tech and never goes out on field, he keeps refering to the deployment as a “booze cruise” in which he insists they do nothing but go from port to port as a show of force with nothing important to do.
Good information to acknowledge on my end. I guess iw ill have to consider the elopement more seriously now!
Post # 12
@aliavenue: that is, as my friends would say, STUPID CUTE.
I never thought of elopements in a positive light, i guess that is why I am so wary of doing it… or feel as if it will rob us of that “”special jitters” on wedding day.
Thanks for the support. I’ve never dated military before, and this will be my first Deployment (his 4th) so I am super anxious about it all, and throwing wedding plannign on top of it all is mega brain freeze.
Post # 13
@EsC87: My husband is an aircrewman in the navy. They never go anywhere dangeous (Like Afghanistan) and he stays in the continental US with the occasional flight to Germany or Hawaii (Jerk!) but accidents happen. He’s had some of his crew severely hurt by equipment falling on them — My husband is deployed now and he hurt himself by having an engine cowling fall on his leg. Nothing serious, but that isn’t to say nothing serious has ever happened to someone while deployed. There have been car accidents while they’ve been on base, people getting mugged or otherwise hurt. It’s definitely something to consider. If he gets hurt or incapacitated while deployed, you’d have zero say in his treatment or the care of his body.
The military doesn’t acknowledge fiancees or girlfriends. You’d need to be a blood relative or his wife to have any say whatsoever. Right now the judgement calls would fall to one of his parents or whomever he listed as his next of kin.
But, this is just something that was very important to me. I’m not saying you need to get married now, but it would be (In my humble opinion), very wise to do. I also had a wedding later. We got married December 9th, we had a wedding June 15th of the following year and it wasn’t any less special or magical than it would’ve been otherwise. Our friends and family got to join us, and it was one of the most special days of my life.
Just food for thought. The military benefits don’t hurt, either.
Post # 14
=] I feel i will eventually get to that “Screw it, let’s do it” point and just do something secretly and throw the bash I really want later…
He has been pretty romantic and understanding of my neurosis with it so far saying things like ….
“Whatever you want to do I am fine…We can throw a wedding on budget in a rush, or wait and throw the dream wedding you want, or elope and then do a wedding…. AS LONG AS You’ll be my wife at the end of the day!” lol
Post # 15
@Hyperventilate: Love love your post. Very informative for this *newbie* . . . I really never considered any of that…. It would be a shame if anything were to happen and I got NO say whatsoever, especially since his family is all far away in Michigan and we live in California…
Hmm… maybe it would be prudent for us to make the legal formality prior to his deployment, and just have everyone else put their big boy/girl pants on and deal with it if they don’t like us having a reception at a later date…
Thanks again for the advice!
LOL at your Benefits comment…
Post # 16
@EsC87: It isn’t really something you think of until you step out of your relationship box and see all the other boxes of risks in the universe. When I first began dating my husband, I never once thought of what would happen if he got hurt or died. That just wasn’t in my field of vision. When I moved in with him, that’s when it hit me. I moved from California to Oklahoma to live with him. I was 1,200 miles away in a state I had only visited once before and knew absolutely nobody. If something happened to him, I’d be all alone. At least if we were married, I’d have rights to his care and the Navy would actually give a damn and would help me.
As for the marriage-with-wedding-later… I got a lot of flack for it, too. My family and his family was totally cool with it. It isn’t unusual for military families to follow this “timeline”, but a few of my friends were opposed to it. They did tell me they didn’t think it was a good idea, that I’d be “ruining” my wedding, but other than that they kept it to myself. Most of the vitrol and poison I’ve had thrown at me is from this website, actually. I even had one person PM me that they hoped my marriage would fail.
I take it in stride. I tell my husband that I love him so much I married him twice. His flight doctor had three weddings. They eloped, they had a wedding with her family, and a wedding in India with his family, so they married each other three times!
I know I’ve rambled, and I sincerely do apologize, but you’re nearly in the same position I was when we got married and I just wanted to support you in that it’s your life and a military relationship is far from the normal. You need to do what’s best to protect yourself and your husband from and with the military. You don’t need get married now, or in a year from now, or whatever you’re comfortable with. And don’t let people get you down for having a wedding/party/reception later on down the road. After all, it’s literally just a party where people get drunk and eat cake. There’s no timeline for that.
Deployments are stressful. Try not to let them get you down. Surround yourself with hobbies, friends and loved ones. It isn’t an ideal life, but the military will take care of you.
Best wishes to you and your fiance, whatever you decide to do. <3