Conflicted about a Controversial topic…. Opinions!?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@EsC87:  How much can you contribute to the wedding? Maybe if you chip in too, you can have the wedding you want before he is deployed.

Post # 4
Member
2062 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@EsC87:  There are many practical reasons to get married before a deployment. I think he is viewing this practically. You, however, said,

“I’ve honestly tried to find over venues and such that would come together nicely but my heart is really set on the ocation we initial picked out… Is it wrong of me to stick to my guns even if it is “”currently”” out of our budget?”

I don’t know what this means. Why is currently in quotation marks? If it’s out of budget, it’s out of budget.

I suggest you guys try to meet in the middle. If your FI took a bit more of a romantic approach and you took a bit more of a practical approach, you could end up with…well…a marriage.

Post # 5
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@EsC87: First and foremost, have the wedding you can afford. It may mean waiting longer or readjusting your expectations. Yes, you only do it once (ideally), but it is only one day. Has your dad given you a specific amount? I also recommend not counting on money until you have it in your hand. 

With that said, do you work/can you contribute to the budget? Anyway you can get a side job to help with saving? If you really want a special wedding day, then getting married first and doing a vow renewal later may be a let down…or it could turn out just fine. That is up to you two. 

Post # 7
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m a military wife. From a military standpoint, it’s important to consider getting married before he leaves.

 

If, god forbid something happens to him while he’s gone (Even if he doesn’t deploy anywhere dangerous), you would have full legal rights to his care and have say over his body or medical treatment if he is unable to do so.

My husband and I married before one of his deployments partially for this reason. It makes things so much easier in the long run, and even in the short run.

Post # 10
Member
2062 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@EsC87:  Oh! Now I understand!

 

Ok, so, here’s what a friend of mind did. I wish I would have done it myself so I’ll throw it out there, as a fellow military wife.

 

She and her husband eloped before the deployment and took the cutest pictures in the whole world.

 

Think:

 

 

After he returned they did the most extravagant vow renewel with the money they saved on deployment.

 

I was not so secretly jealous that they were able to have two adorable events!

 

Just an idea!

 

Post # 13
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@EsC87:  My husband is an aircrewman in the navy. They never go anywhere dangeous (Like Afghanistan) and he stays in the continental US with the occasional flight to Germany or Hawaii (Jerk!) but accidents happen. He’s had some of his crew severely hurt by equipment falling on them — My husband is deployed now and he hurt himself by having an engine cowling fall on his leg. Nothing serious, but that isn’t to say nothing serious has ever happened to someone while deployed. There have been car accidents while they’ve been on base, people getting mugged or otherwise hurt. It’s definitely something to consider. If he gets hurt or incapacitated while deployed, you’d have zero say in his treatment or the care of his body.

The military doesn’t acknowledge fiancees or girlfriends. You’d need to be a blood relative or his wife to have any say whatsoever. Right now the judgement calls would fall to one of his parents or whomever he listed as his next of kin.

But, this is just something that was very important to me. I’m not saying you need to get married now, but it would be (In my humble opinion), very wise to do. I also had a wedding later. We got married December 9th, we had a wedding June 15th of the following year and it wasn’t any less special or magical than it would’ve been otherwise. Our friends and family got to join us, and it was one of the most special days of my life.

Just food for thought. The military benefits don’t hurt, either.

Post # 16
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@EsC87:  It isn’t really something you think of until you step out of your relationship box and see all the other boxes of risks in the universe. When I first began dating my husband, I never once thought of what would happen if he got hurt or died. That just wasn’t in my field of vision. When I moved in with him, that’s when it hit me. I moved from California to Oklahoma to live with him. I was 1,200 miles away in a state I had only visited once before and knew absolutely nobody. If something happened to him, I’d be all alone. At least if we were married, I’d have rights to his care and the Navy would actually give a damn and would help me.

As for the marriage-with-wedding-later… I got a lot of flack for it, too. My family and his family was totally cool with it. It isn’t unusual for military families to follow this “timeline”, but a few of my friends were opposed to it. They did tell me they didn’t think it was a good idea, that I’d be “ruining” my wedding, but other than that they kept it to myself. Most of the vitrol and poison I’ve had thrown at me is from this website, actually. I even had one person PM me that they hoped my marriage would fail.

I take it in stride. I tell my husband that I love him so much I married him twice. His flight doctor had three weddings. They eloped, they had a wedding with her family, and a wedding in India with his family, so they married each other three times!

I know I’ve rambled, and I sincerely do apologize, but you’re nearly in the same position I was when we got married and I just wanted to support you in that it’s your life and a military relationship is far from the normal. You need to do what’s best to protect yourself and your husband from and with the military. You don’t need get married now, or in a year from now, or whatever you’re comfortable with. And don’t let people get you down for having a wedding/party/reception later on down the road. After all, it’s literally just a party where people get drunk and eat cake. There’s no timeline for that.

Deployments are stressful. Try not to let them get you down. Surround yourself with hobbies, friends and loved ones. It isn’t an ideal life, but the military will take care of you.

Best wishes to you and your fiance, whatever you decide to do. <3 

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