- 2 years ago
Lately, I have been feeling very on the fence in regard to having a child. Ever since I was about 8 years old I have not wanted to have children. Right now we are living (my husband and I) a life of adventure and pursuing serious careers that would be difficult to juggle with a child. My reasons for not wanting a child for the last couple decades (near enough) ar that I don’t particularly enjoy to children. Also, sometimes I have quite the temper and I fear that I would crush my child’s independent nature because I like my life just so…that I wouldn’t be a good parent because I would have expectations of my child and how they are supposed to be personality/behavior wise and if they didn’t turn out that way we (parents and child) would both be miserable. Sometimes I wonder if this is just a maturity thing and as I’ve grown I’ve noticed I gotten more accepting peoples’ general quirks, but then I think “how long/much can I control my ocd-like tendencies?”.
the worrying about began a good parent is also a double edged sword because it means that I would be continually stressing about whether I am being the perfect parent, which is obviously not possible. I have noticed that if I cannot do something exceptionally I do not enjoy it and I would be worried that I may resent my child because I felt a failure. So I know the easy target here is to say something like “oh you’ll like them if they are your own children!” But that is not really helpful in this situation. Who else has gone through this where they knew their personality and previous hesitations about even wanting a child may not predispose them to having children, and how did you work it out that you either went forward with having a child or decided against it definitively?
There is also the matter of wanting to continue pursuing my individual / personal desires and adventures which would be severely curbed by child…
However, recently I have been thinking about changing my position on the matter and getting something that feels an awful lot like baby fever. I start to think about how amazing it would be to teach my baby to read, or to take them to the zoo, or just watch them play with their papa. And those things are obviously the highlights of raising a child independent of all the huge difficulties that come along with them. this also doesn’t account for whether my husband wants a baby or not…he is fence sitting too. some of the comments he has made make me think really does want a child, but he just isn’t ready to handle raising one yet. And when I told him I was considering a baby his face lit up like Christmas so I don’t think he ever really gave up that idea, despite me being anti baby for so long.