Confront the In Laws?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Is this really worthodox the battle with your ILs?  For me it wouldn’t be.  It would be wortht he fight with your DH though.  He either needs to defend you or let you know what the underlining problem that you could fix is.

Post # 3
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sassyt:  I fail to understand what your DH had on his mind when he told you this. What did he think it would accomplish??

I would just ignore what he told you. I can’t imagine any good outcome of saying to your IL’s ” DH told me you don’t like/understand me. Is that true?”

Post # 4
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

Confronting them in the way you mentioned would only add fuel to the fire…especially since they already have some negative feelings towards you. Trying to improve your relationship with them by genuinely reaching out and saying that you would like to build a better relationship might be a better strategy. I’m sure your in-laws and your fiancé would appreciate a more positive approach 🙂

Even if their poor opinion of you has no basis, it might be better to bite the bullet and pacify them rather than exacerbate the situation!!

Post # 6
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We have somewhat similar stories, I’m a very reserved quiet person. So the things I do or not do gets misinterpreted by my in laws as being rude. I come to the conclusion that I don’t have to please them all the time. I am who I am, dh accepts this and defends me if needed. I haven’t called them out on it, they talk to dh about it from time to time and even my parents once. Bottom line, I don’t care what they think about me.

Post # 7
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

sassyt:  

I applaud you for refusing to be fake. In-laws are not required to love each other, but there needs to be civility and basic respect. I wouldn’t bother to say anything to your in-laws as that would only make things worse. I find it far more troubling that your husband agrees with his parents. Since he married you, he should accept your personality. 

Post # 8
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t see how confronting them could improve your relationship with them at all. That sounds like a terrible idea. I think a better approach would be to have an open and honest conversation with them saying you want to get closer to them. Everytime the ILs say anything negative to your DH should immediately shut it down. Even if they’re saying things that are true like you’re quiet and don’t fit in with them, your DH could still say he doesn’t appreciate them being negative about you to him. 

Post # 9
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am a very quiet and reserved person myself, it kills me to know that my FFIL thinks I am strange and rude. I also found this out through my FI and I have really wanted to confront him about it.

First off I have decided that instead of creating waves and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be (since he is nice to me and spoke privately to FI about this) I will go out of my way to make him see that I am not being rude. Whenever he makes a comment about how quiet I am I say something like “Well thats just how I am so get used to it” and laugh it off, FI also knows to gently remind him that it is just how I am when they speak as well.

In your case I wouldn’t just say that they are talking behind your back and should say this stuff to your face… when you don’t like/understand someone it is considered more acceptable to just treat them nicely and try to understand them, not throw it in their face and make a problem. Also, I doubt it is like a teenage attack when they speak about you but more of a single comment to him about your behaviour… I don’t know any families that don’t speak about things like this when the subject is out of the room.

Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Sometimes unfortunately it just takes time. My SIL is an extremely quiet person. For years it put me on edge (mostly because she seemed to stare at me while I ate), but I finally realized it’s just because she is quiet and fairly reserved. My mother still thinks she’s standoffish and rude, so I remind my mother that our family can be very overpowering.

Post # 12
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

That sucks that you’re going through this.

I can somewhat relate, not really with my in-laws, but with people in everyday life. I am very quiet and reserved, very “introvert”. I dont really have alot to say, and only talk when I do feel like I have something to add to the conversation. Because of this, many people think I’m rude/standoffish or just a plain ole’ bitch. Honestly! Once people get to know me, they realize that’s just how I am – I’m really not mean or rude or anything, I actually go out of my way to be very polite to everyone, I’m just very few of words.

Every person I’ve ever been close with as told me something along the lines of, “yeah I thought you were stuck up/rude before I knew you”. It really gets to me sometimes.. I wish I could be that loud person that doesn’t have a problem talking about stuff that doesn’t really matter, but that’s just not me.

Fi and his entire family are the polar opposite of my personality, but luckily, we don’t clash too much. I don’t shy away from social situations with them, but I prefer to watch them interact than to be in the action myself. They really are great with me and I handle them the best I can!

Post # 13
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sassyt:  I would slap the DH over the head and tell him and his family to get over themselves.

Post # 14
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

sassyt:  I have difficult in laws, especially my mother in law.

Two things: One, don’t confront them, and two, don’t change. Confronting them is going to cause a whole host of issues that aren’t worth it, especially if your DH generally agrees with them. If his whole heart ins’t into defending you then you will fight the battle alone, and it will be horrific. For example: I stood up to FMIL, DH didn’t say a word (because he was caught off guard), and even though DH agreed with me, he didn’t help so I was left to fight his mom by myself. She kicked me out.

Two, don’t change because it goes both ways. I think you CAN change the way you handle yourself around them and things like that if things ever go sour, BUT don’t change who you are. After my big blow up, DH said, “Well, my mom has a point that you are very distant with the family…any time they’ve invited you to play games, you always turn them down.” While it would be easy for me to change and just start playing games, I have chosen not to because one, any time they have invited me to play games it has been right when we are ready to leave, which is a tactic they use to get us to stay. Two, I shouldn’t have to play Dominos, a game I LOATHE, just to be in their good graces. If conversation isn’t good enough, why should I have to make an even extra effort? What effort are they making on their end? None.

All of this comes down to your DH’s ability to stand up for you. And actually, I can retract that staement a bit…he shouldn’t even LET them talk ill of you. If he doesn’t want to stick up for you, then when they start talking shit, he should just say, “Mom (or dad), that is my wife, and I love her. If you have a problem with her, we need to sit down all together and discuss it.” It’s very unfair to bitch about you behind your back, but the issue you will run into down the road is if your DH doesn’t stand up for you or doesn’t have his heart into it, a conversation will go nowhere, so pick your battles wisely. I suggest being very sweet with them. Honey works better than vinegar just FYI…took me a LONG time to realize it.

If you have any questions or need more advice, PM me. I am the queen of difficult in laws 🙂

Post # 15
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

sassyt:  Act like everything is fine. I say don’t stir the pot if you don’t have to. 

I’d also tell your DH that as your husband he should be helping to smooth things over and defend you/talk you up to his family. He should want them to like you. 

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