Post # 1
I asked one of my friends to be a bridesmaid and am afraid I jumped the gun. Our relationship isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be, and now I wish I had not asked her to be a part of my wedding. She never returns my phone calls, she hasn’t really been a friend to me in the past two years. I guess I asked her to be in the wedding based on our past history, which was great. I honestly want to be surrounded by and rely on women whom I can depend on and who have a strong presence in my life. The woman in question’s younger sister is also a bridesmaid and has finally reached her sister and called to tell me today that she is supposed to call me this evening to talk. I have no idea what the call is in regard to. I’ve told her repeatedly that she needs to order her gown to allow time for transit and alterations.. She has 8 days before it’s too late for the dress to be ordered. I just feel like she doesn’t care, and if that’s the case, I don’t want her in my wedding. It sounds harsh, but I don’t feel that she should be in the wedding. She has backed out of dress shopping with the bridal party twice now, when she had a ride. She claims her car isn’t reliable and she isn’t sure it would make the 40-mile trip to the bridal shop, or that she doesn’t have gas money, but she often drives MUCH further than that to spend time with her boyfriend of the week and gas money isn’t a problem then.
Should I talk to her about my concerns? I have been quiet about this because I thought it would be asinine to potentially ruin a friendship over this, but it’s already happening. Is there a way to just offer her a way out of the wedding without pissing her off entirely? She’s been hemming and hawing over having the funds to purchase a dress, but she is being helped in that department and STILL has made no steps toward ordering the dress. I am at my wits end. I’ve had to drastically alter the bridal party’s attire because of her (we are unable to order the dress I adored in her size), and I’m tired of making adjustments and special arrangements for someone who can’t even return a phone call. Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Find out what she has to say tonight. Maybe she is backing out and then your problem is solved. And if not, you should tell her about your concerns (that she’s been unreliable and hard to reach) and ask her if she still wants to be a part of your bridal party. If you give her the option to step down (which it sounds like she wants to do anyway), maybe your friendship can be salvaged in the future. If you kick her out, there is probably no saving it.
Post # 4
I always approach these sorts of questions with a question back–what do you have to lose or gain from sharing your feelings with this person? Sharing your own feelings, especially ones that paint her in a negative light, will only help if you think the quality of the friendship is such that she will be able to hear you and want to work through it too. I’ve had too many friendships where the other person just didn’t want the same level of honesty and openness that I did and it really hurt to work up the courage to try and carefully explain my feelings, only to have the other person not want to acknowledge a problem or be accountable as a friend.
I would listen to whatever she has to say tonight. The bridesmaid that I dropped from my wedding party dropped right out of my life, but yours is a sister of another bridesmaid so I assume you’d be inviting her to the wedding regardless and that some information about the wedding will continue to get back to her throughout the engagement. That makes things a little trickier. Hear her out and if you see a way to drop her out, I would honestly do it. I couldn’t have been more relieved to have that tension gone from my life after I went through it.
Post # 5
I’m sorry this has to happen to you. I would be really upfront with her. If she isn’t feeling up to being a BM, then let her know that while it certainly is disappointing, you understand and will not put it against her. There might be a lot of things going on in her life that is affecting her. Listen to what she says open heartedly and speak to her about how you feel.
You probably can’t avoid her feeling a bit uncomfortably and hissy about this. But I think in the long run, you’d want to be able to make the right choice and you want someone who is supportive and positive next to you on your wedding day. There’s a chance you won’t be able to salvage the friendship if it has to be that way, but if she was a true friend, she would try her best to understand from your point of view.
Best of luck and hope everything turns out well!
Post # 6
I’m interested to hear what she has to say. Sounds like it’s "a talk" in which case she might actually be backing out. Her behavior would really be upsetting me as well, especially the whole dress situation since it sounds like you’ve been so accomodating. See how the convo goes, and if you feel like you need to voice some concerns then go for it, just try to do it in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re attacking her. If nothing gets resolved over the phone, then I say wait however many days she has until it’s too late to order her dress and then, if she doesn’t (which it sounds like she won’t) you have a totally legit excuse to drop her.
Let us know how it goes. Good Luck!
Post # 7
Thanks for all of the great advice. I waited until 9:30 to call her; I know she was supposed to call me, but I needed to get it out in the open. I called her and left a message and she called back within a few minutes. I didn’t get the chance to address my concerns with her because she addressed concerns of her own.
Apparently, she may be pregnant. She is going to find out for sure tomorrow. I will postpone our talk until she receives her test results; if she is pregnant, she probably will opt not to be in the wedding anyway as she would be showing by September. I was shocked that she told me that I was the only person she’s told. She didn’t want to tell the friends that she always breaks plans with me for; she said they would make matters worse. I will support her through this. Maybe this is a sign to just drop it all together? My best friend (and MOH) and I carpool to work every day, and on the way home, she and I were talking about this situation, and out of nowhere, a bird flew into the windshield. It rattled the both of us, and I told her maybe it was a sign that life is too short and that I should just hold my tongue and not ruin a relationship. I don’t know. I know I am reading too much into today’s events, but I definitely like to pick my battles.
Post # 8
Oh wow! None of us saw that coming, hey? To be honest something happens with pregnancies where support and honesty really start to matter to people (the pregnant woman and those close to her). Maybe in all the feelings she’s been going through about this she’s come to a bit of a realization that you’re one of her only really true friends. I am assuming this pregnancy was not planned, and if her personal life is a little all-over-the-place right now then that could be why she was really dropping the ball as a bridesmaid. Whatever the reason, there’s no point in bringing up your dissatisfaction with her participation in the wedding if there’s a good chance she won’t be in it anyway. Maybe down the line sometime you can discuss it with her but for now I’d wait and see what happens.
Post # 9
NO your not being unreasonalble. Im going through a similiar situation and totally feel your pain and frustration. Ask her if she wants to be in the wedding or not. Shape up or ship out thats what i told mine.
Post # 10
That was so good of you to be so kind and supportive of her and LETTING her talk and get things off her chest.
See? She may have been preoccupied with something else the last month (like worrying over getting her period and contemplating life choices) and I can totally understand it. Even when I was married to my x for 2 years and planning our child, it was a sobering moment when I found out I truly WAS pregnant for it’s a total 100 percent life changing experience from that second forward!
Keep her close as a friend and I think her confiding in you with such a heavy personal issue tells of her love for you. I’d leave it open. If she feels like being in the wedding, great. Don’t encourage her not too just because she’s pregnant. I wonder why everybody does not want a pregnant bridesmaid (not saying you don’t) because most brides to be will end up moms anyway as life would have it. I was a pregnant bridesmaid and everybody was ok with it and kinda thought I was cute!
When I was a pregnant bm in one of my friends’ weddings I asked her if she really wanted me in the wedding being a bit pregnant (and showing definitely). She said “Nah , it’s a circle of life kinda thing and people will just wonder if you put on 20 pounds but I think you’re cute”. I was her friend. And big belly or not, (yes I held my bouquet over my belly ) I looked fairly good in that darn dress!