Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been going out for 3 years, the first two were semi-tumultuous, but the last year has been practically gold. The last six months especially, my SO has been encouraging me to research wedding things, photographers, etc, and have discussed things further down the line even so far as planning for college for children, etc.
It completely amazes me, because most of our relationships fights start when I’m asking where we are going with this? I’ve been proposed to twice before, and they’ve all been around the 1 yr mark. We’re a few weeks from the 3 yr (official) mark and I’m still just as clueless. He talks to me like he wants to be with me the rest of his life, and has said so many times before. In fact, he’s said just about everything but the question.
I’ve hinted a couple of times that a long engagement would be appropriate in our situation (I’m still in school, he just graduated), and I’ve reminded him on the several times he’s asked me to move in that our families (traditional Christian) would not be very supportive unless we were at the very very least engaged, and then they would still frown on it.
I’ve even been blunt with him before, but when I’m blunt he finds any excuse to walk out of the room or hang up the phone. The last three months I’ve mentioned absolutely nothing about it (despite having attended three weddings in that time period), and he keeps bringing up wedding related plans. He even asked me if I had a weekend open that we could attend premarital counselling!
I’m so confused, that if I didn’t constantly keep checking my ring finger I would think I was already engaged!
Anyone out there have a similar situation, advice, or encouragement? I’m turning from confused about the situation to downright being depressed….which I don’t want, because then he’ll propose just out of pity 🙁
Post # 3
I think you posted this twice. So I’ll just paste my other response.
Well since he is asking you to go to premarital counseling, I would think you should do it and see where that takes you. Perhaps you can discuss this with the counselor in private. Then he/she can either bring it up to him in private or with you.
It’s a bit confusing why he seems so excited to talk about future stuff, but then gets aggaravated when you bring it up. Just asking, but is there some way you broach the topic that’s off putting? Is something going on, such as he wants to be sure he can save up the money to buy a nice ring or support having children etc? Then I could see emotionally that he is ready and wants to talk about marriage, but that financially, he gets frustrated because he feels like he can’t afford it yet. (And you bringing up the subject makes him feel bad.) But that’s just a guess on my part.
Post # 4
Yeah, I did try to post it in Waiting, but it for some reason posted in Beehive o.O so I just deleted the text and reposted in here.
There’s a lot going on in general, obviously, and the first few times (abt a year ago) when I did bring it up it was in a fight. But the last 6 mths I’ve been really careful, because he kept alluding and hinting as his "Graduation date" as a big day. He told me to trust him and wait until he graduated. So I didn’t mention anything really again (unless he brought it up in the normal planning conversations) until a couple of days ago (which would have made it around 2 mths past when he graduated)
He states a lot of reasons that are as varied as the colors of the rainbow, anything from we’re too young, to its not profitable for taxes anymore anyways. Then he’ll turn around and say we’re wasting money living in two different apartments, and that he’s tired of driving 45 mins any time he wants to see me. He’ll do really thoughtful things for anniversaries and valentines day that sound almost exactly like a proposal, without the actual question.
Finances probably are a big point with him, but I have a hard time understanding why. His family and I come from two different economic classes (mine were missionaries and we practically lived hand to mouth overseas) and his is upper middle class. I think if he had it his way, we wouldn’t get married until he had enough money saved to 1) pay for a house with cash or 2) enough to put three kids through college (He has actually said this to me!)
I just don’t know anymore when his excuses are practical ones, or when he’s just putting me off. He really is the love of my life, but I’m a practical person, and I don’t want to be as emotionally invested with someone as I am with him only to find out that my day will never come.
P.S. It’s not about the ring, either. I’m not fond of jewelry, and if it really came down to it I could forego the tradition. I just want him to tell the world what we really are, or at least what he keeps telling me
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
It looks like a little time is needed before deciding whether his new pro-marriage change of heart is related to ambivalence, or a sign of something more. I really believe that men have to come to this realization on their own, and when they’re ready for a little push from you, it will be startlingly obvious.
My advice in this situation is to leave it alone. Relax. Just be yourself and trust your instincts. Enjoy the other great aspects of your relationship and avoid looking for "signs" (it will drive you crazy!). Take him up on the premarital counseling sessions; if you have a good counselor, he or she will be able to help clear up a lot of this.
Post # 6
I agree with whats been said above, in that you should definitely go to the premarital counseling…one thing that might come out of that is the fact that the priest might bring up his lack of a formal proposal/commitment to you during the counseling. He might ask if you two have made the formal commitment for marriage, and this will be your chance to say that you haven’t / he hasnt formally asked you. at this point, you might be able to have a discussion with your boyfriend and have the priest serving as a mediator. (I dont know your man, but most people wouldnt walk out on a discussion with a priest, no matter how uncomfortable its making them.) So this might be your chance to start getting into what his issue is with making the formal commitment to you.
other than that, i would say continue to live your life and STOP everything else wedding related (other than trying out the counseling.) . he doesnt want to talk about commiting to you, but wants to talk about your yet to be in existence children’s college funds?!? simply tell him, im not talking about this right now, or change the subject to something else. let him get mad, pissy, whatever about it, but its not fair to you that he can talk all things wedding, and as soon as you bring up engagement, he gets upset and abruptly ends the conversation! i also think you should stand your ground on moving in with him…at that point, he will be having the best of both worlds, by having his wish of yall living together without having to officially propose to you…in this case, due to how weird he has been acting when the talk of engagement comes around, i think its necessary to not give in to him…
Good luck! i think everything will work out how it is supposed to, just be patient.