(Closed) calling off engagemnt

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@marielubert:  I can’t tell if you want to break off the engagement and be single, or if you want to go back to dating. Both of which seem reasonable. You’re young and want more time to grow into yourself, which is perfectly normal. Realizing that you are not ready to become half of a married couple yet and being mature enough to not just get married because you are too far into it is a good thing. That being said, if you do want be single, make that clear to your Fiance. And if you want to be with him, but put off marraige for a few years, tell him that too.

Post # 4
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think that you need to tell him how you feel and push back the wedding. From what you are writing, it sounds like you missed the “who am I” stage because you haven’t been single enough to explore who you are and what you want from life. Not saying that you need to break up with him, but you certainly need to figure out what you want and who you are before you commit to another.

I would sit down and talk with him about it. Let him know you are not ready to get married and you want to wait longer. I would hope he would be okay with the choice you are making and support your feelings.

Post # 7
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@marielubert:  I’ve been dating my Fiance since I was 16, and kind of missed out on the “finding myself” stage too. But, I still love and want to be with my Fiance. One thing that helped satisfy that urge to “find myself” was to do a 3 month internship in a different state in the field I was considering. I ended up confirming that my dream job is my dream job, that I’m capable of balancing a budget and living on my own ect. Even if you end up single, moving somewhere for a summer to start fresh can be a wonderful experience. In the end I decided that as much as I love doing my dream job, I hate being away from my Fiance. So we figured out a way for both of us to pursue our careers without having to do long distance. I would look for some sort of internship like that for this summer, its pretty late in the game, but oppertunities are still out there.

ETA: Based on your post right above this one, which you were typing while I was typing this, I would definitely do an internship.

Post # 8
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thats a hard situation, you’re young, it would have been better if you would have realized this all earlier in the relationship, before accepting his proposal, but as you didn’t, you need to act on it now. As hard as it may be, it is not fair for either you or him to continue the relationship. Don’t expect to remain friends afterwards, don’t expect his parents to not be disappointed in you; these are consequences to your actions or lack of actions.

You feel as though you missed out on life as you did not get to know who you were outside of a relationship, I can’t agree with you there as I didn’t have a whole lot of time apart from relationships and am extremely excited and waiting for my SO to propose. I believe it has a lot to do with age and your current situation in your life. It is also not fair on your Fiance to say things like you’ll never have time for me. He should be supportive and allow you to do the things that will better you, t make our future together better!

Lastly, make sure that this is 100% what you want, as this is not a decision that you can go back on. People will be hurt and you may even regret it after all is said and done. I am not trying to be harsh, just realistic. I do wish you all the best in your future and hope you find the one that gives you butterflies!


Post # 10
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First: It’s not a good idea to marry someone you don’t want to be with, so if that’s your reason you can stop reading. 

It sounds more like you’re feeling too young to be married though, so you should maybe read this:


Cliff notes: it’s how being married young is fine as long as you let yourself be young and independent (just with a husband). But I’d read it anyway, the author is awesome.


Post # 12
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I actually wanted to tell you that I fully respect your hesitation and taking proactive steps to prevent a marriage that you’re not ready to enter into. I think so many people get lost in the party and celebration aspect of the wedding that they forget it results in what is expected to be a life-long commitment to one another. We know so many young couples who fell into that trap and divorced after only 1 – 3 years of marriage. In my opinion, people who get divorced after such a sort time truly were not ready for the sacrifice involved in committing to one another.

This will be an extremely difficult conversation to have with your fiance. Be respectful of his feelings, as it sounds like this will likely come as a complete surprise to him. Explain to him that you feel too young to make this commitment, and that you fully appreciate everything he’s done for you. If it were me, I would discuss that you know this is going to be very hard for him, but you’re trying to avoid an unhappy marriage and the likelihood of divorce, which would be much, much harder. Then stay quiet and allow him to share his thoughts and feelings.

Good luck to you. I wish more people who were hesistant to marry after getting engaged would carefully consider the decision. I know of people who have been stood up at the altar, had their spouse move out less than a year after the marriage, etc. Not to take away the significant emotional connection you have with each other, but you’re respecting him by not entering into a marriage you’re not confident will survive.

Post # 13
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This must be so hard for you and you must be feeling so guilty but trust me, his family would rather you call it off now then marry their son when you don’t really want to do that.  Just tell them exactly what you’ve told us – that you love them and hate to hurt them but that this just isn’t what you want.  You are not a bad person for making this decision; you’d be a worse kind of person for staying and marrying him while you feel this way.

I was with someone from high school for more than 5 years and although we broke up for different reasons (namely him being a big psycho, haha), I probably couldn’t have packed any more fun into the single years that followed and I have never regretted for a second having that time to myself.  You are going to grow and change a lot over the next few years and you’re probably going to look back on this as one of your best decisions.  Good luck!

Post # 14
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@Juliepants:  you’d be a worse kind of person for staying and marrying him while you feel this way.

I completely agree.

Post # 15
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Do NOT get married to this man if you do not think you would be happy doing so. This feeling of ‘yay I have someone who likes me thank goodness’ is, in my eyes, not enough for a stable relationship.

Like you, I am 20 too. And I am SO GLAD to be single! SO glad. You have the time and freedom to do what you want, whenever you want. This is the age to be FREE, to discover who you are and what kind of person you are. 

It is a totally valid reason for ending the engagement. And don’t be put off by his family – if you explained your feelings, I am sure if they are as nice as you make them out to be, they will fully understand.  

Good luck! And always remember that this is not ‘the end’ – life will go on, and you will find someone else (if you wish to do so in due time) who WILL be perfect for you. 🙂 

Post # 16
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

From your follow up posts it sounds like you REALLY DO love this guy, and he might be the right guy for you… But DO NOT marry him until you are 100% sure.  I think asscherlover‘s point was great.  Do something independant while still maintaining your relationship, go on a mission trip, go do an internship in the field you want, go be a camp counselor for a summer…  Take the time for yourself while still maintaining your relationship, you might find that the distance will bring you guys closer emotionally.. While you are still able to find yourself and figure it all out without your man influencing you.

I think the important thing to remember when you bring up the idea to him is to be honest, tell him that you aren’t ready to get married yet, but you love him and don’t want to lose him… but going and doing __insert idea here___ first is something you need to do, for the both of you and for your future.

If he’s worried about you going it’s because he can probably feel your hesitation about the relationship… Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but it definitely doesn’t sound like your ready to give up on it just yet… Make sure he knows that!

Good luck.  I also suggest getting some books on “quarterlife crisis”… You sound a lot like I did at 20, more mature for our ages but still a little lost… You might just be hitting your quarterlife crisis a little early… I definitely did!  Keep us posted!

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