Post # 1
It has been so comforting to have read all of these posts about a situation that I am in as well. I have just come to terms today (sitting at work agonizing, searching for ways to call off my enagement via internet) that I need to call off my engagement to my fiance of almost 3 years. This is the hardest thing I have ever thought about doing! He is the most kind man and he would do anything for me, I just do not feel like he is the perfect match for me. When we first met (I was 17) and I had been in a relationship since I was 15 (stupid, I know) with a person who completely ruined my indentity. I met my fiance through a friend and we talked about life and ended up hanging out and eventually began dating. For some reason, I never felt that amazing “butterflies in the stomach” feeling when I was around him. I was just relieved to have finally found someone that treated me right and absolutely adored me. Before I knew it we had been together for almost two years and he proposed- I was only 19. I set the wedding date 2 years away so I could finish most of my schooling (at least that’s what I thought I was doing) and now that it is one year away I am beginning to panic. I have changed so much since we started dating- I am going to a private health college and I have so many dreams that I would love to fulfill and I feel like I hardly know myself- I am only 20 years old!
My biggest worry is his family- they have done SO MUCH FOR ME. They are the sweetest and most considerate people I have ever met and I almost feel like that is 50% of the reason why I have not called this off yet. I almost want to talk to his mom before I talk to him- I would HATE it if she were to be disappointed in me. I know this is not a reason to stay with someone, I am just so distraught over this decision. I love him so much and I am so terrified that I am going to hurt him and I don’t know how to handle this.
Plus, he just moved up to the city I live in and he lives a block away from me. I feel like he has put himself out there 100% for me and now I am going to tell him that I don’t want to go through with this. PLEASE HELP! I don’t know what to do 🙁 Any advice or any other examples of situations close to mine would be so comforting.
Post # 3
@marielubert: I can’t tell if you want to break off the engagement and be single, or if you want to go back to dating. Both of which seem reasonable. You’re young and want more time to grow into yourself, which is perfectly normal. Realizing that you are not ready to become half of a married couple yet and being mature enough to not just get married because you are too far into it is a good thing. That being said, if you do want be single, make that clear to your Fiance. And if you want to be with him, but put off marraige for a few years, tell him that too.
Post # 4
I think that you need to tell him how you feel and push back the wedding. From what you are writing, it sounds like you missed the “who am I” stage because you haven’t been single enough to explore who you are and what you want from life. Not saying that you need to break up with him, but you certainly need to figure out what you want and who you are before you commit to another.
I would sit down and talk with him about it. Let him know you are not ready to get married and you want to wait longer. I would hope he would be okay with the choice you are making and support your feelings.
Post # 5
@asscherlover: I guess I never clarified in my post: I feel like I want to be single and find myself- I feel like I have always been in a relationship and that I don’t really KNOW who I am. I also feel like I will never achieve the dreams I want to- he always says things like, “you won’t have enough time for me with all of the things you want to do.” I just feel like I should have myself in order before I go through and marry someone and later find out that he wasn’t the match for me. Thank you for your reply- advice is extremely helpful right now.
Post # 6
@takemyhand: That is a good point. When I think about it, it might just be that I need to date him longer- maybe the pressure of wedding planning, school and work is clouding my vision. I want to feel less pressure of committing at this point in my life so I understand what I want from my partner- thank you so much.
Post # 7
@marielubert: I’ve been dating my Fiance since I was 16, and kind of missed out on the “finding myself” stage too. But, I still love and want to be with my Fiance. One thing that helped satisfy that urge to “find myself” was to do a 3 month internship in a different state in the field I was considering. I ended up confirming that my dream job is my dream job, that I’m capable of balancing a budget and living on my own ect. Even if you end up single, moving somewhere for a summer to start fresh can be a wonderful experience. In the end I decided that as much as I love doing my dream job, I hate being away from my Fiance. So we figured out a way for both of us to pursue our careers without having to do long distance. I would look for some sort of internship like that for this summer, its pretty late in the game, but oppertunities are still out there.
ETA: Based on your post right above this one, which you were typing while I was typing this, I would definitely do an internship.
Post # 8
Thats a hard situation, you’re young, it would have been better if you would have realized this all earlier in the relationship, before accepting his proposal, but as you didn’t, you need to act on it now. As hard as it may be, it is not fair for either you or him to continue the relationship. Don’t expect to remain friends afterwards, don’t expect his parents to not be disappointed in you; these are consequences to your actions or lack of actions.
You feel as though you missed out on life as you did not get to know who you were outside of a relationship, I can’t agree with you there as I didn’t have a whole lot of time apart from relationships and am extremely excited and waiting for my SO to propose. I believe it has a lot to do with age and your current situation in your life. It is also not fair on your Fiance to say things like you’ll never have time for me. He should be supportive and allow you to do the things that will better you, t make our future together better!
Lastly, make sure that this is 100% what you want, as this is not a decision that you can go back on. People will be hurt and you may even regret it after all is said and done. I am not trying to be harsh, just realistic. I do wish you all the best in your future and hope you find the one that gives you butterflies!
Post # 9
@asscherlover: I have always wanted to go out of the country to do missions- I feel like taking some time away from everything and doing something good that would help me clear my head. I have discussed this with him as well and he is absolutely not ok with me leaving for such a long period of time. He says that it’s “fine” but I can tell that he is taking it the wrong way. He thinks that I want to get away from him so bad that I would leave the country for 3 months! He is not a controlling person by any means it’s just hard to think of leaving when he is disappointed and I feel like he might grow apart from me and end up leaving me anyway. Which, in the end would determine if we were meant to be anyway I suppose…
Post # 10
First: It’s not a good idea to marry someone you don’t want to be with, so if that’s your reason you can stop reading.
It sounds more like you’re feeling too young to be married though, so you should maybe read this:
Cliff notes: it’s how being married young is fine as long as you let yourself be young and independent (just with a husband). But I’d read it anyway, the author is awesome.
Post # 11
@Sminthy: Thank you for a realistic response- that’s what I need. I need to think about it more and I do need to act on it sooner than later- it is just so hard to know what to say or how to explain the way I’m feeling considering I can’t even tell how I feel! I’m glad for you that you have someone that you look forward to marrying- that is how it should be! Thank you.
Post # 12
I actually wanted to tell you that I fully respect your hesitation and taking proactive steps to prevent a marriage that you’re not ready to enter into. I think so many people get lost in the party and celebration aspect of the wedding that they forget it results in what is expected to be a life-long commitment to one another. We know so many young couples who fell into that trap and divorced after only 1 – 3 years of marriage. In my opinion, people who get divorced after such a sort time truly were not ready for the sacrifice involved in committing to one another.
This will be an extremely difficult conversation to have with your fiance. Be respectful of his feelings, as it sounds like this will likely come as a complete surprise to him. Explain to him that you feel too young to make this commitment, and that you fully appreciate everything he’s done for you. If it were me, I would discuss that you know this is going to be very hard for him, but you’re trying to avoid an unhappy marriage and the likelihood of divorce, which would be much, much harder. Then stay quiet and allow him to share his thoughts and feelings.
Good luck to you. I wish more people who were hesistant to marry after getting engaged would carefully consider the decision. I know of people who have been stood up at the altar, had their spouse move out less than a year after the marriage, etc. Not to take away the significant emotional connection you have with each other, but you’re respecting him by not entering into a marriage you’re not confident will survive.
Post # 13
This must be so hard for you and you must be feeling so guilty but trust me, his family would rather you call it off now then marry their son when you don’t really want to do that. Just tell them exactly what you’ve told us – that you love them and hate to hurt them but that this just isn’t what you want. You are not a bad person for making this decision; you’d be a worse kind of person for staying and marrying him while you feel this way.
I was with someone from high school for more than 5 years and although we broke up for different reasons (namely him being a big psycho, haha), I probably couldn’t have packed any more fun into the single years that followed and I have never regretted for a second having that time to myself. You are going to grow and change a lot over the next few years and you’re probably going to look back on this as one of your best decisions. Good luck!
Post # 14
@Juliepants: you’d be a worse kind of person for staying and marrying him while you feel this way.
I completely agree.
Post # 15
Do NOT get married to this man if you do not think you would be happy doing so. This feeling of ‘yay I have someone who likes me thank goodness’ is, in my eyes, not enough for a stable relationship.
Like you, I am 20 too. And I am SO GLAD to be single! SO glad. You have the time and freedom to do what you want, whenever you want. This is the age to be FREE, to discover who you are and what kind of person you are.
It is a totally valid reason for ending the engagement. And don’t be put off by his family – if you explained your feelings, I am sure if they are as nice as you make them out to be, they will fully understand.
Good luck! And always remember that this is not ‘the end’ – life will go on, and you will find someone else (if you wish to do so in due time) who WILL be perfect for you. 🙂
Post # 16
From your follow up posts it sounds like you REALLY DO love this guy, and he might be the right guy for you… But DO NOT marry him until you are 100% sure. I think asscherlover‘s point was great. Do something independant while still maintaining your relationship, go on a mission trip, go do an internship in the field you want, go be a camp counselor for a summer… Take the time for yourself while still maintaining your relationship, you might find that the distance will bring you guys closer emotionally.. While you are still able to find yourself and figure it all out without your man influencing you.
I think the important thing to remember when you bring up the idea to him is to be honest, tell him that you aren’t ready to get married yet, but you love him and don’t want to lose him… but going and doing __insert idea here___ first is something you need to do, for the both of you and for your future.
If he’s worried about you going it’s because he can probably feel your hesitation about the relationship… Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but it definitely doesn’t sound like your ready to give up on it just yet… Make sure he knows that!
Good luck. I also suggest getting some books on “quarterlife crisis”… You sound a lot like I did at 20, more mature for our ages but still a little lost… You might just be hitting your quarterlife crisis a little early… I definitely did! Keep us posted!