Post # 1
So, my SO took me ring shopping Oct 2009. I got REALLY excited because the thought of marrying him made me so happy. I mean REALLY, REALLY excited. Well, we argued about getting married a lot after that because I had issues with my job and almost needed to move out of state to stay employed (my company was acquired by a bigger fish which was HQ’d out of state.) He expected me to stay with him even if it meant being unemployed. I thought he was crazy if he thought I was going to risk it. Fortunately, I was offered a position to stay in the same office. I think around March we finally stopped fighting about getting married because I just tried not to talk about it at all. Slowly, I just started to lose faith in him actually wanting to marry. I started to do things to make myself happy like hanging out with my friends more. I started to feel like a complete idiot for getting SOO excited about him taking me ring shopping. Well, now that’s it’s the middle of August, I’ve made the decision that if he doesn’t actually back up his talk by October, I’d leave. At that point, we’ll have been living together for two years, dating for a little over 4 years, and it would be a year since he took me ring shopping in the first place. My thought is, “If he doesn’t act on it by then, I’m pretty sure I can read between the lines.” I’ve come up with a “backup plan” as far as where I’d live and all that after we split up. So, basically, I’ve been preparing myself to break up.
Today, I had to wrap a baby shower gift so I was looking for the wrapping tape. I found the tape all the way at the back of the keyboard tray on the desk…behind a Robbins Bros brochure or something. I didn’t mention seeing it, I didn’t even touch it. I just wanted to wrap the darn gift! He got all up in arms about me “going through his stuff” when I looked on the desk. (To me, a reasonable place to look for tape right?)
Now here’s where I’m confused. Since I’ve been waiting for him to propose, I should be excited about seeing the brochure right? Well, I’m not. I don’t know if it’s because I already went through those emotions and feel stupid for getting so excited….or if it’s because I’ve been struggling with feeling resentful towards him….or if it’s because I’ve been coming up with a break up plan. I think I’ve already started to break up with him in my head. I don’t know how to undo it.
Post # 3
I’d talk to him about how you’re feeling, first and foremost. But unfortunately, I don’t know of a way to “undo” those feelings. Maybe if he’s aware that he’s losing you, he’ll step up the game a little.
Post # 4
Talk about bad timing!
I was in your situation once (6 years relationship), and for me, once I had figured out everything for my Post Breakup life, there was nothing he could have said or done to make me change my mind. The bottom line was that I was unhappy and had been unhappy for a long time and I didn’t trust him anymore. I had given chances over chances and was always disappointed, THAT led me to prepare myself for the breakup: take on new activities, make new friends, etc.
I met my wonderful DH while I was preparing my breakup – I had signed up for karate and he was there. We started dating not too long after I left my ex, and less than three years later, we’re married and on the same page for our life plans and timelines – a team who works together, not one who waits for the other all the time.. My breakup was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I hope someone can tell you how to UNDO it, if this is what you want. I don’t know if it’s possible. If you find a way to undo it and be happy with him, awesome! But if you can’t, don’t be afraid – there is life after a big breakup. Sometimes an even better one…
Post # 5
If I were you I think I’d sit him down and have a serious talk about timeline and marriage.What are you both waiting for , how you both plan on moving forward together. Sit him down have a serious talk, I mean its your life too you deserve to be able to have a plan for the future.
If after four years he cant give you a serious answer or yall just are not on the same page I’d consider moving on.
Bottom line is TALK to him give him chance to redeem himself seems like he might be planning something.
Post # 6
Thank you for your advice!
I’m still torn on whether or not I talk to him about it. I know that I have talked to him about it before. Looks like I have a lot of soul searching to do…
Post # 7
I do agree with other posters that it would be worth it to give him a chance before you leave the relationship for good.
I think if you’re already feeling uncertain about the relationship, it would be good to talk. The fact that you’re not excited about the brochure is a good thing. You learned your lesson about getting your hopes up. And if you’ve already started having feelings of disconnecting with him that you can’t “undo”, that’s going to work for you, not against you, when you talk to him. You’ll be able to talk rationally with a cool head, rather than getting in an emotional, screaming/crying fight.
I’ve had similar feelings. I’ve gotten my hopes up, and felt like “how am I going to get excited again?” Which prevents me from bugging him about it. But also there are doubts creeping in. Like, why isn’t he excited about it? And if he’s not, maybe we’re actually not a good match! I made a deal with myself that I had to be consistant for a WHOLE WEEK before considering breaking up. I have to be 150% sure. And just when I get close (for 4 or 5 days is the longest) to thinking we’d be better apart, he comes through in some way that makes me realize I love him and still think he could be the one. I’m just trying to avoid breaking up until I really mean it. And give him a chance. ‘
Notice I said he “could be” the one. I used to think “he is the one”. I think some uncertaintly is healthy and normal when going through the waiting period.