Hey everyone! I am looking for a bit of advice here. I have been in a relationship for the past three years and the first year was amazing, but the last two years have been a bit hard on me.
I started seriously rethinking the relationship last month after I caught my boyfriend exchanging very sexual messages with other girls (very pretty girls). After looking through his history I found out he has been doing it for ages and would have probably kept doing it until I caught him. (By the way, he left himself signed in on my computer when he left and all his messages were open First time in three years I have ever snooped on his messages)
Anyway, he deleted all these girls from his facebook after I yelled at him and also deleted them from his telephone. It’s been a month, but I still kept checking on his friend list to see if they back. I feel stupid for doing this but I do not know how to get over that! I am still very hurt by it because the things he said to those girls he always said for me, so when I felt special before now I feel like trash.
He also knows holidays are important to me, but decided to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. He is coming for my birthday and going to Vegas with me in the next week (however I bought the ticket for him so it’s free trip for him), so I feel that is the only reason he is going. I told him 6 months in advance about Vegas and he only had to buy his plane ticket and he never saved money and at the last minute said he could not buy one. =.= So I bought it. Also paid his rent of 600 dollars one time because he almost got evicted. (He from army and they were late on College benefits, he quit to go to school)
Not once has he mentioned of paying me back. :/ Never brought it up that I bought him these things.
We are long distance so see each one weekend a month. After argueing a long time, I finally got him to come visit me every other month instead of me going every time and spending my gas.
I feel like he just doesn’t really care about me and is more concerned about himself. I am 21 and he is 27 by the way.
Anyone have any advice for me? I just feel bitter toward him all the time.
I’m sorry to say it but based on what you’ve said here… I think you should end it. You deserve better than this.
The Vegas thing.. you telling him about the trip and then him not saving up for it. That was one of the things my ex husband did. My ex husband used to always work weekends (all of them) AND holidays… not spending time with me. We got more and more distant and I hung out with my friends instead to fill my loneliness, which lead to his jealousy. Don’t let yourself go down that road. This guy isn’t compromising with you.
You will eventually get tired of someone like that. A guy who truly cared about you, would not only plan out to pay for his own ticket, but would also try and find a way to help buy your ticket to make your birthday special.
The girls thing… that trust will be very hard to earn back. And it doesn’t look like he’s even trying. I say end it. Find someone who treats you like you should be treated and won’t go around being sexy with other girls behind your back for attention. He obviously has self esteem issues and needs all these women to make him feel like he’s worth anything.
I would leave him. He doesn’t seem to be making any effort here.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of the relationship work here. I honestly don’t think he’s a good enough catch for you (he cannot save $ for a ticket, he gets evicted, he doesn’t have the gas $ to come see you). He sounds like a loser and at 27, normally peeopl have their act together way more than this guy.
So I think you should just end it.
You know when it’s the RIGHT relationship? When year after year, it keeps getting better! As in this year is better than the last year! Yes, that is right. At a minimum, be as good as it was the previous year. You are declinging. Downward trends are not good.
Many relationships are awesome for the first year. People still put their best foot forward. Then after 9-12 months, you really start to see what this person is really like. That’s the year you need to listen to – not how good it was the first year.
Hi there. So sorry you are going through this. I just have to comment because everything you mentioned is exactly what I went through in my last relationship (from spending money on him and not repaying, the holidays, sexual messages, etc.). I did all the work, made all the effort, and my ex-bf didn’t put anything into the relationship in return. We were together for almost 4 years, and they were filled with pain and anger.
After everything was over, I truly realized that the first six months or so of our relationship were great. The next 3 1/2 years I spent trying to get us back to that (trying to get him back to the way he was in the first few months). But it never happened, and it never will. Because what he was for those 3 1/2 years is who he truly is. I could never change that, and it’s not fair for either person in the relationship to even try.
I didn’t think there was anything better out there, but there is! I found it with my husband. He is everything I wanted in my previous relationship but didn’t have. You just can’t force someone to be what you want or need, but it is out there when you find the right person!
Thanks for everyone’s advice! I really appreciate you guys taking the time to give me your insights. This has actually been my first relationship so I was not sure if it was something I had been doing wrong or if I should stop trying to put in the effort. I always try to work things out to the very end before just ending something, but I feel like this won’t go on any longer. :/
Thanks again, you guys made me feel better.
aw sweetie, im sorry you’re going through this.
You should break up with him, he doesnt respect you by sexting those girls.
Also the money issue, doesnt he work or something?
you’ve only put a bandaid on the big problem here…..time to do something about it and stop being a softy and giving him things!
*HUGS* you totally deserve better than this. The person you’re with should always make you feel special. In my book, what your guy did is the gateway to cheating; it might not be physical, but it’s just a matter of time.
I agree with other PPs about ending this relationship. The fact that you’re LDR makes this relationship harder to maintain and to see the obvious red flags. Also, at 27 yrs old, I would expect the guy to be a bit more financially stable as well.
@jubial: What do you think you’ll do?
You’re sweet to try so hard but it sounds like he’s not putting as much effort into the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who places you as his first priority.
I hate to join the chorus of saying leave, but you probably should leave. Talk to him first, but he cheated on you, even if it wasn’t physically, it was definitely emotional cheating at the MINIMUM. Plus it sounds like he is taking advantage of you.
It sucks that you invested so much time into this relationship. The hardest part of the long term relationships is letting them go when you’ve spent so much time and energy in them. But you need to cut your losses before they get even bigger.
“I feel like he just doesn’t really care about me and is more concerned about himself”
This is not how relationships should feel, and it certainly is not how healthy relationships feel! If you feel you are doing all the work…you are. And that in itself is a good sign it is time to walk away. Relationships require mutual effort to keep the relationship growing, but it ought not to feel like a chore, or that you are the one holding the whole thing together!
Oh, yeah, and sexual messages to other women? You should have defriended him and showed him the way out as soon as you found those! A breach of trust is, in my view, pretty much irrepairable. He has shown he is not trustworthy.
I know you remember how great the first year was (but face it, that was the honeymoon year ESPECIALLY as you are long distance!) but that is no reason to keep letting the years tick by. You have had two years of seeing who he really is. Do not ignore them for another two days (let alone two years!).
You DO deserve better. This guy is NOT that better.