- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2016
I’m feeling a bit down today. Actually, I’m feeling pretty confused, too. I think I need a cup of tea and either some sympathy or a kick in the pants.
C has been talking/joking about the subject of engagement rings since before Christmas, since apparently his mom told him that he should spend a months’ salary on a ring for me. I have kind of gotten used to him joking about stuff – he’s rarely if ever serious about talking future things, and I always try to take it with a grain of salt – but we were definitely slipping into more serious territory. We’ve talked about what we would look for in a house, where we would want to live that would work for both of us in terms of where we would be happy and career opportunities.
He emailed me a posting for a job that he thinks would be a long shot, but that would be a step or two up in terms of responsibility and pay. It’s at a site he likes, in one of our preferred cities, but is more supervision than programming which is what he really enjoys. I know he’s printed it out and is looking at it. He told me he was looking at it because I want babies and he feels like he needs to be in a better position to support me. Maybe I’m just silly, but I kind of put these things together. Our two year anniversary is coming up, right around valentine’s… It’d be cheesy, but I kind of thought this stuff was all coming up at about the same time…
Long story short(er), he has apparently thought a little bit about us getting married but not really in any depth. He was very surprised that I had? We talked about it last night (I asked for him to not just joke about that sort of thing if he wasn’t serious and I don’t think it had occurred to him until then that I had put his jokes and that job conversation together.)
I just feel like he wants our relationship to impact his life as little as possible. He wants for us to move to the same city and live separately, then move in together for a while, then have a long engagement, then get married, then after a while think about kids. On the overall I’m okay with this, except I want to have kids by the time I’m 30, I definitely don’t want to move to the same city as him where hes the only one i know and then have to get my own space, and if we do things that way I wouldn’t want to move in with him without getting engaged first. He says that he doesn’t want to get a job where he’s further behind than he is now, which I can understand – but I moved here for this job in big measure because it was relatively near to him. I had another job I am pretty sure I would have gotten with people I really liked in a place where I loved in England lined up, that I gave up to come back to Canada to be with him. It’s frustrating, that he reacts negatively to the idea of us being closer in distance (i.e. living together) and would want me to move to follow him but not move in – I feel like I’ve done that already. I don’t regret it; I just feel like I have put in and am willing to put in more than him in this relationship.
Honestly, I am sick of feeling like that. I would be super flexible in trying to make being with him work but he needs to put towards that as well. One goal I have always had is to be a mom when I’m financially secure enough but still young enough to have the energy and spark of fun in it… And I’m worried that I’ll just coast along and make this relationship work because I love him but put aside the things that I want and need to do because he isn’t thrilled by them.
I think I need a straight answer from him about where he wants to be in five years… And if I can’t live with it, then maybe I need to find another situation that will let me live my dreams.