Post # 1
My boyfriend was planning on proposing very soon, but he wanted to wait for him to talk to his parents first.
Yes, you heard me right, not MY parents, he wanted to discuss it with HIS parents and ask THEIR permission for HIM to propose. Insert huge eye roll.
I wasn’t present for this conversation, and apparently it did not go over well. His parents are both single, and they were divorced so long ago that he doesn’t remember them ever being married. They said that we are too young, he needs to finish school, etc. We are 25 and 27 years old, have lived together for 3 years.
Because of his parents’ disapproval, he says that he thinks he should wait until he is finished with school before proposing. Here’s the kicker- this is the 3rd year in a row he has applied to b-schools and the 3rd year in a row he hasn’t been accepted to ONE. SINGLE. SCHOOL.
One part of me feels like he is a great guy and the timing shouldn’t matter and engagement/marriage is just another part of our life together so there’s no rush.
That part happens to be very small.
The other part feels like he is too chickensh*t to tell me he personally isn’t ready and wanted to discuss this with his parents so that other people are backing up him not wanting to get married/engaged yet.
He of course tells me that he is ready, but I have this sneaking suspicion that he doesn’t want to tell me the truth, knowing I will be unhappy with him not being ready.
I personally believe I deserve to be with someone who is sure that they want to marry me. I’m seriously considering leaving him.
Post # 3
It’s certainly lame of him to put all the blame on his parents. After all, he is a grown man who should be fully capable of making important life decisions without getting Mommy & Daddy’s approval first. It sounds like you already have your mind made up – that you want to be with someone who actually wants to marry you. I suggest telling him that and see how he reacts.
Post # 4
Fellow waiting bee here. Myself and my SO are similar ages. I do not think that the two of you are too young. You’re hardly teenagers, you’ve been living together three years and you are in your mid to late twenties.
I do find it concerning that he feels at the age of 27 that he needs his parents’ permission to propose to you. He is a grown-ass man. He should not need their permission to make adult decisions like whom or when to marry. No one would disagree that 27 is old enough to make your own decisions.
Can you live with a man or marry a man who still needs mommy and daddy to tell him what to do? Or when he’s ready for the next step? I don’t think I could.
I’m not certain what “b-schools” are, but I’m a Canadian. If he’s already been rejected three times- does he have a back-up plan? I assume he’s working- but when something seems unlikely it’s time to consider other options.
It’s quite possible that these are stalling techniques. But it’s equally worrying if they are NOT stalling techniques. Is he someone who can make his own decisions? Is he someone who can be flexible?
Post # 5
Yeah the having to ask his parents for permission to propose at the age of 27 is concerning. Is it a cultural thing? Heck my daughter was in grade school by the time I was 25! If you are old enough to live together then you are old enough to marry. Is he applying to grad school? Applying to grad school is a whole different ballgame than applying to undergrad programs. Simply applying often yields no results. He needs to talk to the professors in his chosen program and get one to potentially accept him as an advisee and his chances of being accepted will be much higher.
It sounds to me that perhaps HE doesn’t really want to get married at this point in his life.
Post # 6
@plum_pudding: @trueblue14: He’s applying to business school, I think.
@MissCoffeeBean: Like other posters have said, I find it strange that he needs his parents’ permission to feel like he can propose to you. Then again, are they planning on financing his graduate education? Could this be a reason why he feels like he needs to consult them? Does he feel like he’s in an “in between” phase in life? I know when people are in between professionally, sometimes they don’t feel like they can move forward in other areas. I really feel like he is going to need to figure out this education stuff before he can move to the next step with you.
Post # 7
@MissMarple: correct, business school. I don’t think it’s a stalling tactic in terms of school, but he is really slow at doing things and stubborn (keeps applying to Ivy League and won’t apply to an easier program).
also yes, he has been working for 5 years in a great job.
Its also certainly not a cultural thing. He BARELY TALKS to his parents and his family is white and American as could be (they’ve been in the US since the revolution). They are not financing his education either, I would be paying his rent during this time actually.
I think he’s not ready and is making excuses. he is a great guy but this indecision and stringing me along bullsh– is ruining everything.
Btw- omg autocorrect on here is crazy bad. I’m going to lose my mind.
Post # 8
@MissCoffeeBean: I almost asked if he was only applying to top 10 or top 20 programs because people do that sort of thing where business schools are concerned. I’m not in business, but I have an ex who did that, and I remember him talking to me about his career goals and how attending a business school that is not in the top X # of schools would not be worth it to him. Is your SO doing all he can do to gain admission? Are his grades and resume suited toward the types of schools he is applying to?
I would sit down and talk to him about school, engagement, parents, everything and ultimately get to the root of his insecurity.
Post # 9
@MissCoffeeBean: Eesh. I’m sorry. That’s hard.
I agree that I think he’s using his parents as a cover to not move forward. No adult *really* needs their parent’s approval for a major life decision.
I will say though, that if he keeps applying to business schools and not getting an offer, something is wrong. Either he’s not putting in the direct networking effort it takes (you can’t “just apply”) or his application package is just not up to snuff. He should probably have someone in a department give him some feedback, and open his school net a big bigger.
I say this because DH is in his second year of Phd applications. He didn’t get an offer last year because honestly, he totally psyched himself out about it (he had been building up to this for so long sometimes its scary, I get it.) and straight up dropped the ball, underperformed on the GRE, and turned in rushed/shitty applications. Luckily, he saw the error of his ways, realized that some of my “advice” was legit concern and not knit picking, and stepped it up this year. I know for a fact, out of 4 applications, he’ll get at least one offer this year. He also is applying in mostly Ivies.
I know the school thing isn’t what you’re actually asking about, but I’m talking about it for two reasons. 1) Because some people do have the whole “I must get married after school” mentality so that might be part of his dragging his feet. and 2) Because repeatedly not getting into schools and going through the application process and the “Well, I don’t know where we’ll be next year” stuff is FREAKIN’ HARD. It’s a major life decision/impact for you as well, and I hope he recognizes that because one shouldn’t HAVE to go through that with a partner (particuarly a non-formally committed one!) multiple times.
*Hugs* Good luck! Keep us updated!
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate
@MrsStayPuft: + 1!!!!
I would tell him this is BS and see what he says..maybe if you tell him how you really feel on the whole situation it will make him come to some sort of realization …whatever that may be. You should tell him that this is a decision regarding his life and yours…not his life, yours, + mom and dad
Post # 11
@MissMarple: In short… no. I personally believe he has a 1-10% chance of getting into the schools he is applying to. He has no reason to believe he is a reasonable candidate. He is not networking, he had a poor GPA, he has (in the world of business) a mediocre job, and has no extracurriculars. He should be applying to schools in the top 25, not top 5. I have tried to say this gently, but he thinks his one redeeming quality, his near perfect GMAT score, will negate all of the negatives. It simply will not.
@Mrs.LemonDrop: Good for your husband for working towards his PhD! Even as a spouse it is difficult to go through the application process. It is very time consuming and a miserable process. He certainly isn’t doing all he should and is spending too much time on portions that are not that important. For example- he spent 3-4 months writing 1 essay for 1 school (500 words). To me, this is completely unacceptable. I say this as a full time student who writes several 10+ page papers weekly. If I can write approximately 30 pages per week, he can certainly write 2 pages in under a month.
Just to add- he is a really REALLY great guy, a sweet and wonderful person, but he just can’t seem to get anything done in a timely manner.
We have spoken a bit more about all of this and he claims that he is still going to move forward with his plans to get engaged. If this plan, like so many other plans, happens to fall through, I will absolutely be packing up and going on my way.
Post # 12
@MissCoffeeBean: Ooof, so many things to be angry about! First off, yeah, I think it’s lame that he needs HIS parents’ permission, he is a grown man and should be able to do this on his own! And second, I went to an Ivy League bschool, at this point your man, unfortunately, has no chance of getting in. If he applied 3 years in a row, they know, they can check for his past applications, and if they don’t see some drastic improvement or change from before, they’re just going to keep rejecting him until he gets the hint. Spending 3 – 4months writing ONE essay… he is not going to even SURVIVE business school where you write those types of essays every day for homework and should be able to pound them out while still hungover from your socializing bar networking event (not joking :D).
I don’t know what to say to you about your current situation =( If your man’s career position and his maturity is important to you, you guys need to talk this out.
Post # 13
@MissCoffeeBean: he is 27 and is saying he wants mommy and daddy to tell him it’s ok for him to get married? Oh hon, you can do better than a man child. At best, he is giving you bullshit excuses and stringing you along.
Post # 14
@MissCoffeeBean: I am so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awfully familiar to my situation, just found out my SO’s mom told him not to dare think about getting married anytime soon since his sister is getting married in May, totally threw me off guard and am considering a talk with him because knowing him he would listen to his parents…
I would suggest having a very open and calm conversation with him about where he stands in the relationship. You might be right about him not being ready but you deserve to know if that is the case so you can decide what to do from there, blaming it on outside circumstances just does not cut it and he is not a child anymore to follow his parent’s leads.
Getting him to admit he is the one that’s not ready (from your post it seems like you’re convinced it’s him the one that’s not ready) and be an honest as to what the real reasons are. You deserve to know the truth and be able to take a decision based on that, can’t be waiting on a man that would hide behind parents and supposedly outside circumstances such as him applying to schools as to why he won’t marry you.
I am waiting to find a right moment to have a talk with my SO, I’m turning 26 soon and I definitely do not want to get to that stage of my life without knowing where the heck we stand.
Post # 15
@MissCoffeeBean: I’m glad things are on the right track for you two.
Personally, I wouldn’t be worried about him talking to his parents about getting married (I think a lot of guys do.) It’s “needing their permission” or caring so much about their opinions that he would put his life on hold. You want to be with the guy, not his parents. Best of luck!
Post # 16
@MissCoffeeBean: If the parents thing is an excuse then maybe a possible reason he is feeling like this is because he maybe feeling pressured by you. Not saying he is being right or mature but could it be possible that he is feeling pressured?