Confused and angry… his parents and excuses

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It’s certainly lame of him to put all the blame on his parents.  After all, he is a grown man who  should be fully capable of making important life decisions without getting Mommy & Daddy’s approval first.  It sounds like you already have your mind made up – that you want to be with someone who actually wants to marry you.  I suggest telling him that and see how he reacts.

Post # 4
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@MissCoffeeBean:  

Fellow waiting bee here. Myself and my SO are similar ages. I do not think that the two of you are too young. You’re hardly teenagers, you’ve been living together three years and you are in your mid to late twenties.

I do find it concerning that he feels at the age of 27 that he needs his parents’ permission to propose to you. He is a grown-ass man. He should not need their permission to make adult decisions like whom or when to marry. No one would disagree that 27 is old enough to make your own decisions.

Can you live with a man or marry a man who still needs mommy and daddy to tell him what to do? Or when he’s ready for the next step? I don’t think I could.

I’m not certain what “b-schools” are, but I’m a Canadian. If he’s already been rejected three times- does he have a back-up plan? I assume he’s working- but when something seems unlikely it’s time to consider other options.

It’s quite possible that these are stalling techniques. But it’s equally worrying if they are NOT stalling techniques. Is he someone who can make his own decisions? Is he someone who can be flexible?

Post # 5
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yeah the having to ask his parents for permission to propose at the age of 27 is concerning. Is it a cultural thing? Heck my daughter was in grade school by the time I was 25! If you are old enough to live together then you are old enough to marry.  Is he applying to grad school? Applying to grad school is a whole different ballgame than applying to undergrad programs. Simply applying often yields no results. He needs to talk to the professors in his chosen program and get one to potentially accept him as an advisee and his chances of being accepted will be much higher.

It sounds to me that perhaps HE doesn’t really want to get married at this point in his life.

Post # 6
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@plum_pudding:  @trueblue14:  He’s applying to business school, I think.

@MissCoffeeBean:  Like other posters have said, I find it strange that he needs his parents’ permission to feel like he can propose to you. Then again, are they planning on financing his graduate education? Could this be a reason why he feels like he needs to consult them? Does he feel like he’s in an “in between” phase in life? I know when people are in between professionally, sometimes they don’t feel like they can move forward in other areas. I really feel like he is going to need to figure out this education stuff before he can move to the next step with you. 

Post # 8
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@MissCoffeeBean:  I almost asked if he was only applying to top 10 or top 20 programs because people do that sort of thing where business schools are concerned. I’m not in business, but I have an ex who did that, and I remember him talking to me about his career goals and how attending a business school that is not in the top X # of schools would not be worth it to him. Is your SO doing all he can do to gain admission? Are his grades and resume suited toward the types of schools he is applying to?

I would sit down and talk to him about school, engagement, parents, everything and ultimately get to the root of his insecurity.

Post # 9
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MissCoffeeBean:  Eesh. I’m sorry. That’s hard.

I agree that I think he’s using his parents as a cover to not move forward. No adult *really* needs their parent’s approval for a major life decision. 

I will say though, that if he keeps applying to business schools and not getting an offer, something is wrong. Either he’s not putting in the direct networking effort it takes (you can’t “just apply”) or his application package is just not up to snuff. He should probably have someone in a department give him some feedback, and open his school net a big bigger. 

I say this because DH is in his second year of Phd applications. He didn’t get an offer last year because honestly, he totally psyched himself out about it (he had been building up to this for so long sometimes its scary, I get it.) and straight up dropped the ball, underperformed on the GRE, and turned in rushed/shitty applications. Luckily, he saw the error of his ways, realized that some of my “advice” was legit concern and not knit picking, and stepped it up this year. I know for a fact, out of 4 applications, he’ll get at least one offer this year. He also is applying in mostly Ivies. 

I know the school thing isn’t what you’re actually asking about, but I’m talking about it for two reasons. 1) Because some people do have the whole “I must get married after school” mentality so that might be part of his dragging his feet. and 2) Because repeatedly not getting into schools and going through the application process and the “Well, I don’t know where we’ll be next year” stuff is FREAKIN’ HARD. It’s a major life decision/impact for you as well, and I hope he recognizes that because one shouldn’t HAVE to go through that with a partner (particuarly a non-formally committed one!) multiple times. 

*Hugs* Good luck! Keep us updated!

 

Post # 10
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

@MrsStayPuft:  + 1!!!!

I would tell him this is BS and see what he says..maybe if you tell him how you really feel on the whole situation it will make him come to some sort of realization …whatever that may be. You should tell him that this is a decision regarding his life and yours…not his life, yours, + mom and dad

  

Post # 12
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MissCoffeeBean:  Ooof, so many things to be angry about! First off, yeah, I think it’s lame that he needs HIS parents’ permission, he is a grown man and should be able to do this on his own! And second, I went to an Ivy League bschool, at this point your man, unfortunately, has no chance of getting in. If he applied 3 years in a row, they know, they can check for his past applications, and if they don’t see some drastic improvement or change from before, they’re just going to keep rejecting him until he gets the hint. Spending 3 – 4months writing ONE essay… he is not going to even SURVIVE business school where you write those types of essays every day for homework and should be able to pound them out while still hungover from your socializing bar networking event (not joking :D). 

 

I don’t know what to say to you about your current situation =( If your man’s career position and his maturity is important to you, you guys need to talk this out. 

Post # 13
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MissCoffeeBean:  he is 27 and is saying he wants mommy and daddy to tell him it’s ok for him to get married? Oh hon, you can do better than a man child. At best, he is giving you bullshit excuses and stringing you along. 

Post # 14
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

@MissCoffeeBean:  I am so sorry you’re going through this.  It sounds awfully familiar to my situation, just found out my SO’s mom told him not to dare think about getting married anytime soon since his sister is getting married in May, totally threw me off guard and am considering a talk with him because knowing him he would listen to his parents…

I would suggest having a very open and calm conversation with him about where he stands in the relationship.  You might be right about him not being ready but you deserve to know if that is the case so you can decide what to do from there, blaming it on outside circumstances just does not cut it and he is not a child anymore to follow his parent’s leads. 

Getting him to admit he is the one that’s not ready (from your post it seems like you’re convinced it’s him the one that’s not ready) and be an honest as to what the real reasons are.  You deserve to know the truth and be able to take a decision based on that, can’t be waiting on a man that would hide behind parents and supposedly outside circumstances such as him applying to schools as to why he won’t marry you. 

I am waiting to find a right moment to have a talk with my SO, I’m turning 26 soon and I definitely do not want to get to that stage of my life without knowing where the heck we stand.

*hug*

Post # 15
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@MissCoffeeBean:  I’m glad things are on the right track for you two. 

Personally, I wouldn’t be worried about him talking to his parents about getting married (I think a lot of guys do.) It’s “needing their permission” or caring so much about their opinions that he would put his life on hold. You want to be with the guy, not his parents. Best of luck!

Post # 16
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissCoffeeBean:  If the parents thing is an excuse then maybe a possible reason he is feeling like this is because he maybe feeling pressured by you.  Not saying he is being right or mature but could it be possible that he is feeling pressured?

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