(Closed) confused and frustrated

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Big over the internet hug for you.  From what I read it sounds like you want to get married and he doesn’t, and may not want to anytime soon.  Are you willing to give up what you want or willing to wait for an unidentified time for him to be ready?  It might be time to evaluate if this is the right relationship for you.  Giving up marriage is a huge compromise to make for someone.  

His comments about being “out of steam” and so on also send up flag that there may be something else going on with him and that could be why he has changed his attitude.

Its very hard to be the last one; its getting down the the final few with my friends and I’ve started to seek out single friends to lessen the pressure.  

Post # 4
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It can be really frustrating to be among the last of your friends to get engaged/married. I agree with Miss Yoga Pants, I think you need to take some time and evaluate this relationship for you- if he’s never ready for marriage, is that going to be okay?

Post # 5
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If he has said that he doesnt want to get married and still wants to wait a couple of years then you cant really push him any more than that. I think the fact that he is younger than you does affect how much time he feels he has before he wants to married. I think its really up to you to decide if you do want to wait that “couple of years” for him to willingly propose or move on

Post # 6
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@aabnab:Hmm..I don’t know what to say except that he said he’s not ready and he probably means it.  He’s not even 24.  You guys are at such different stages in your lives.  Women move faster than men naturally, but adding in your age difference and I mean… I don’t know.  Of course there are exceptions but my bf is 26 and is barelyyy ready to talk marriage.  I’m sorry…but I think you should focus less on feeling like it’s time to get married because your 29 and everyone else is and more on if he really is the right guy for you… if he is, you will wait.  🙁 Big hugs!!

Post # 7
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Firstly I apologize in advance if I sound too crass to you, but this highlights one of the things I just don’t get. It seems to me like you’re both on two opposite ends of the book ( you house, marriage : him motorcycle (?)) I know every relationship is different and I hate to put timelines on things but I think after four years he should at least know where the relationship is heading and if he wants to marry you or not. From what you said he’s just not ready for that and not sure when he may be. That means HE MAY NEVER BE!

Clearly marriage is something you want. I hate the fact that you think you have to put it out of your mind and never mention it again, remember it’s your life too, you have a say in what makes you happy and what doesn’t. If I were you I wouldn’t just drop this. You deserve to know about and be able to secure the future you always wanted. I suggest letting things calm down and then in a level headed rational manner sit down with him and try to see if you both can get on the same page with this. Marriage is something neither party can compromise on. I suggest not dancing around the issue but get to the heart of it.

Why the sudden change of heart?

How exactly do you feel about marriage?

Where do you see us ten, five, one year from now?

What steps do we need to reach there?

As Miss Yoga Pants mentioned there may be some deeper issues. I really do hope you get to the bottom of them and work things out in such a way where either parties aren’t  compromising to the point of unhappiness.

Goodluck and above all welcome to the hive I assure you you’re gonna find a great support system here.

Post # 8
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Aww big hugs to you – this is a sucky situation to be in. Given the change in attitude and his comments that he is out of steam and not happy with himself, I would suggest looking at counselling. Yes, he is younger and guys do mature later than girls but it doesnt seem as if you get to have any say in this at all. You want to get married, he doesn’t, surely there is a way of compromosing so you both are happy?  good luck

Post # 9
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I think I’ve read the averge age for men to begin to want to seriously marry is around 28.  That’s part of why you usually see relationships with the man older than the woman, because women tend to get married the first time (on average mind you) around age 24-26, especailly if college and a “settled” home life is desired, first.

A 5.5 year gap in your ages, with you being the older one, can make for you both to be in different places – you are close to the age most women who haven’t had kids wil start to want to start a family – you unforunelty thanks to biology, have a set time-period in which this can safely occur – he does not.  I am with a man my exact age (ok – technically I am 3 months older) and we have discussed that since he’s not quite where he wants to be yet for marriage (job/career, savings, and yes, even maturity), we might have to adopt – that he wishes sometimes I was about 5 yers younger so there’d be less risk of child development issues, because neither of us want to have kids out of wedlock.

If I’m having this problem with a man my own age, I worry about how your situation is compunded by your BF being so much younger than you.  Granted the older you are, the less age differences matter, but still from a not-quite-mid twenties – year old, to an almosy (sorry) 30 year old, there are several life experiences and expectations that need to be thought out.  Will he resent you if he misses out on the “party” time in his life because he got married so young?  At 24, unless you’ve been together since high school it’s very rare he’d be wanting to get married, no matter how much he might love you.  He’s probably just not ready, and would probably need at least 3-5 more years…  How are you about waiting that long?  Do you love him?  The idea of marraige?  The idea of marraige to him and only him?  I know this sucks, believe me, I am in a most untraditional relationship, and we’ve both had so much baggage from both sides that we’re not married after 14 years, partly because him being with me at a young age (19) has made him wonder (not enough to leave me) about whether he’s missed things in life.  This is unavoidable, thinking about the road not taken.  If you (or I) were interested in a man about 3-7 yearsolder, then many of these issues wouldn’t be in the mix – an man in his early to late 30s doesn’t ahve the same life as a 24 -year-old will.  A man in his 30s will be focusing on his job/career, intersted in getting out of that college apartment and getting “real” furniture, in proving and being proud of his independence and thereby his ability to support a wife and family. A 24 year old might not even know what career s/he wants, let alone be ready to buy a house and settle down.  In fact, I think some studies have shown that men’s brains aren’t even fully developed 100% until they are pushing 30 (women hit it slightly sooner), which is one cause of the dramatic change you see between a fun-time 20-something and a more future-oriented 30 something.

Your BF probably isn’t 100% sure what he wants to do with his life on his own, let alone with a spouse.  He’ll need time to mature and grow.  I know all of this is “bad news”, and I’m really really sorry.  None of this means he doesn’t love you, or you him… it just means if it’s going to work out for you, you’ll be facing challenges other couples might not, and you might not be able to follow a more “traditional” timeline to marraige, wiating a few more years for him to decide if he’s ready to get married.  I say enjoy being with him unless kids are a high priority for you.  If you’re not worried  aout getting pregnant (as opposed to adopting) and carrying a healthy baby to full-term, you have all the time you could want.

Post # 10
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

So sorry that you’re going through this!:(  I think you came here to hear the truth and the truth is, is that he is probably not ready for marriage.  Someone once told me that when it comes to marriage, you have to “very selfish”, meaning that you have to seriously consider your own needs prior to taking that step.  My friend explained that this will ensure more happiness in the future.  So I ask you:  (1) At 29 are you prepared to wait for him when he says that he is not ready?, it could take years for him to be ready, or worse yet, it could not ever happen; also (2) Do you want to pressure him to ‘want to’ get married?

I can imagine that this situation is beyond difficult for you, but, its best if you take the long term approach regarding your own happiness.  Just because two people love each other does not mean that they MUST be together.  Think long and hard regarding whether this relationship is best for you in light of your marriage goals!    

FYI- I by no means meant to imply that this process would be easy for you- I know its not!

Good luck and PM if you like.:)

Post # 12
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@aabnab: Hugs. I really do think everything works out for the best.  Hang in there and you are definitely not alone!

Post # 13
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have a friend that was in a similar situation.  Except she went ahead and bought a house with her boyfriend (we’ll call him Joe).  They were together about 4 years at the time she bought the house with him… expecting an engagement would follow shortly afterwards.

Fast-forward 2 years.  Joe tells her he wants to move out west and he doesn’t want her to follow him.  He proceeds to move in with his best friend and his friend’s wife.  The best friend’s wife and Joe start to “hit if off” while the best friend was at work.  The wife leaves her husband for Joe.

Now my friend is stuck living in this house by herself.  She’s trying to sell it but she’s having a hard time (it’s been on the market since April).

My number one advice would be to not buy a house with a person you’re not married to. 

As Michael Scott would say, “BFD, Engaged isn’t married.”

My number 2 advice would be to reconsider this relationship.  It sounds like he’s using this mortorcycle as an excuse to get out of marrying you/buying a house with you.  I mean, even you said that he told you point blank.  “I don’t want to get married.”

I think you should take his word for it.  Get out while you still can.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
32 posts
Newbee

be patient hold off brininging it up, show attention to yourself go out with the girls and start spedning a lil more time with them, but dont be awkward with him just keep yourself busyWink

make some engagment chicken this worked for me, im 24 and bf is 23 we have a 3 year old and already live together.

there is light at the end of the tunnel believe me we should have got married last year in sept he told me three months before he was not ready and we cancelled it nearly broke us up, but we loved each other to much to give up as we have been together 6 years.

i dropped hints every now and again and explained to him how important it is to me and how hurt i was last year, he spoke to his mum the other day and said that he knows he will spend the rest of his life with me and that he will marry me, even though to my face he said he doesnt think he is the marrying typeUndecided

so i started doing little things for him but then keeping myself busy, dressing up for him every now and againwhich put a huge gri on his face and he couldnt keepp his hands off me.

 

The other day his mum was round at our house having a sunday engagment chicken  roast and said infront of im you would make the best wife any man could hope for!! whilst looking at him, and he nodded and agreed and said i may be worthy after all joking.

he has since told me if he gets a good bonus in april we will fly to vegas and just do it.

the point of this is he can still change his mind like mine finally did.

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