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I'm confused about the e-mails. Did they actually meet up? Did they plan to meet up but you saw the e-mail and confronted him about it first? I don't know if any of this should matter, but I'm not too clear on the details of the e-mails.
I don't think they were "just a few flirty e-mails." I mean, he mentioned wanting to kiss her. It's great that he's sorry, but I can't help but assume that if you hadn't brought it up with him, he never would have mentioned it to you. I would suggest seeing a counselor as a couple before you go any further with your engagement.
I wouldn't call it off just yet. But I may put things on hold for a while until you are more calm.
The wedding is a ways off and you still have some time to decide.
Bad news: he messed up. Maybe this WAS a one time thing, maybe not. I think it might be too soon to tell.
Good news: Your fiance was terribly apologetic and seemed to really mean it. If he turns around and makes it very clear to you that he has changed and you are his one and only love.... I would say forgive him and move on.
If you get married... to anyone... they WILL hurt you someday. You will hurt them. That's the sad truth. :( We're all broken in some way or another and if you guys were to get married without hurting the other during the relationship/engagement stage, I'd be concerned.
Don't make any hasty decisions but stay open and receptive to him. Genuinely wait and see if he means what he says. By the sounds of it, he does. I'm sorry this happened and I also wish you two the best. It sounds like you mean a lot to him and he means a lot to you. I'd hate for that to go to waste if it really IS a one-time dissapointment and he spends years regretting it. Either way, I think taking a break from going ahead with the wedding and determining your relationship with him would be a good idea!
They never met up. He wrote the last email (the one I saw) and she never responded. Or so he says. The email I saw was brief, but insinuated they'd had a few back and forths, and flirted with the idea of catching up in person. He says that if she'd tried to make ACTUAL plans, he wouldn't have gone through with it since the whole thing was just a fantasy and not based on anything real.
First off, i'm sorry you're going through this, you're not overreacting at all. Only you can decide if you can truly forgive him. My personal opinion, I would try to work through it but this is your relationship and if you don't think you'll ever move past it, then I wouldn't go take the wedding planning any further. There was a post yesterday about a similar situation, I suggest reading through it because a lot of that advice would apply to you as well though in your case it seems like your FH is truly remorseful.
best of luck!!!
@ClareBear12: I wouldn't believe that one...
If I were you I wouldn't call of my engagment, but just push it back until you have time to think. WHat was his excuse for doing that kind of behavior?
It sounds like couples counseling is something you should really conisder. Thay way you can talk it all out and see where each other are at in the relationship, the professionals know what they are doing!
I agree with counseling. Sounds like a hard thing because he "didn't cheat" but yet he did.
Personally, I wouldn't call it off right away. If there are deposits due, I might hold off on paying them until you can figure things out. I know this is cliche, but the first thing I would do is go to a counselor ASAP.
I think that, beyond figuring out how far these e-mails went and if he is trustworthy, you have to figure out for yourself what you are willing to live with. Will you be able to forgive him for hurting you? Will you be able to trust him? Or are you going to be second-guessing everything he tells you and feel compelled to read his e-mails and text messages?
@ClareBear12: I am sorry you're going through this. I would feel devastated as well. I am jealous and take monogamy seriously.
However this is not the worst that could've happened. I have read on here and in real life how some fiances cheat (both men and women) and the wedding goes on, I am not agreeing with this I am just saying this is a worst case scenario.
I feel like if you've talked about this many times and you feel like you can trust him and this was a mistake he committed then I don't feel you should call it off but I would just be cautious as to whether he would do this again.
Just know if you decide to stay with him and marry him you'll have to forgive him, doesn't mean you'll forget it but it means that you won't bring this up when you're upset at him or you guys fight and you won't be remorseful towards him. of course it's easier said than done.
best of luck to you! :)
You came across the e-mail because (I am guessing) you went through his e-mail? I am the last person to tell you that's wrong (can't say I haven't done it myself) but I wonder if you had any suspicion before this that caused you to check the e-mail? I agree with everyone above-don't cancel it just yet but I really do suggest couples counseling.
Misspumpkinbarry had a great point-we all hurt eachother at one point. It is entirely possible that his story is real. It doesn't make it better but it maybe helps to know it wasn't something he would actually go out and do?
Good luck to you.
I may be biased because I'm in the field, but I agree you guys should go to counseling. It's a great way to talk things out with a mediator there to help guide the conversation. I think your worries are completely understandable and yes he's not talking to this girl anymore, but what if it happens again, etc (not saying it would but)... you said his father cheated on his mother and that might be something important for him to explore in your therapy- he might be subconsciously sabataging something now because he's worried he'll turn into his father. Anyway, if he's willing, and it sounds like he is, I'd give that a shot. It does sound like he truly loves and cares about you. Good luck.
My FI is flirtatious in nature. He flirts to get out of a ticket, flirts to get a free meal, he'd flirt with God to get in to heaven if he had to. But I know that about him and I know that it is innocent. He has had females send him messages via FB and text about missing him or wanting to be with him and he has flirted back. Some of which made me feel exactly the way you do, but I confronted him about it. I told him it was unacceptable and I drew a very bold and thick line as to what I was and was not willing to deal with. Like your FI he doesn't talk to those ppl anymore (I deleted them from his phone and blocked them on FB.) and it is like it never happened.
I feel that if you hold on to an event such as this you will never be able to get over it and see your FI in the same like that you once did. No the sun doesn't shine outta his ass, but it's okay for you to think it does every once and a while. Idk how long ago this was, but I can tell you from experience that you holding on to this is only going to make it worst in the future. It will lead to distrust, jealousy, emotional outburst and possibly heartbreak. You have to decide if you believe it was what he says it was (no matter what ppl tell you,) and if you believe his apology. If you do, move on. Try to forget this part of your relationship and allow it to be an after thought. If you don't, you will go through the next few months of your engagement and possibly marriage doubting yourself and EVERYTHING your FI does and tells you. And take it from me, that is not the way you want to live.
Thanks, everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the advice. I'm still really confused and hurt, but have decided I'm going to do my best to work this out with him. I think this has truly shaken him to the core, and he's ready to do whatever it takes to build the trust back up between us. Hopefully he's learned his lesson and realized how damaging, hurtful, and disrespectful his behavior has been. I'm willing to forgive and move on this time, but I certainly won't put up with it again. I guess only time will tell. Thank you again.
Onward...
WOW I dont know what to tell you but this is not a good sign for your upcoming marriage...good luck!
@ClareBear12: I'm very very glad that you did. Sometimes I think folks don't give a thought about how their actions are going to affect their loved ones. I hope you read the thread that was referenced to you. The OP also went through something similiar. I wish you good luck.
@ClareBear12: I'm glad you are taking a more positive and level headed attitude about all of this. Indeed, like PPs have stated, couseling would be a good step in the right direction. I hope everything works out for you.
I don't have any advice, since this is a really tough subject. But one thing I do know, all of your feelings are validated. Don't be sorry for how you feel. This is so difficult for anyone in your situation. You need to work through this now and don't bury it for later. Maybe push the wedding back a bit. Seek couseling. You and your FI don't have to tell anyone, work it out with a professional. Work through it now, so you can decide for yourself and live a healthy minded life. If you quickly forgive right now, it would probably surface again and not really give your relationship/marriage a chance. Wishing you the best.
I am sorry to hear this because when trust is broken and doubt enters it can be a very confusing time. I know that people are saying go to counseling but ClareBear12 we really mean it. This past Saturday my FI and I finished our pre-marital sessions and they were one of the best decisions we could have made. They teach you so much and how to start those tough conversations off and work to resolve issues.
I have been where you are with an email that was not appropriate and it hurts just like I imagine it would have if he had committed the act. This occurred when we were just dating years ago. We got over it but only after many talks about how it made me feel, it is unacceptable and won't be tolerated, and re- assurance that it would not occur again. Dont' call the engagement off but get this resolved before marrying him.
I would call it off, but i'm very black and white about those kinds of things. My husband and I have been married for almost four years now- if i were to find emails like that in his inbox I'd be calling off the marriage. A. I don't like being decieved and B. The behavior is immature.
If you feel like you can forgive this and are happy in the relationship, you should stay. Everyone is different.
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So my fiance and I have been together for 2 years, engaged for six months, with plans to marry next summer. We met through business associates, and were friendly/flirty for several years before beginning to date. But once we did, the magic was instant. Within just a few weeks, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was the one (I've been in a handful of other serious relationships, including one that lasted for 5+ years, and have never felt so happy, so secure, and so completely in love). He proposed a year into our relationship, and we've been nothing but happy since. We adore each other's families; we have wonderful friends; we have the same values; we're in the same profession and share the same network of colleagues and business associates; we enjoy an extremely healthy sex-life; we are nothing but playful and happy, and in love. I've honestly never been with a man who tells me how much he adores me and how beautiful I am EVERY SINGLE DAY, without fail. We've been having a blast planning our wedding, honeymoon, and talk all the time about how we can't wait to start a family. To top it all off, my mother (and best friend) was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer this year, and he's been my rock. Completely supportive and there for me always. All perfect, right? Well, maybe not.
A few days ago, while he was away on business (and to my complete and utter devastation), I discovered an email from him to an old college acquaintance... a girl with whom he had a one night stand more than a decade ago. I cannot express just how shocking and hurtful it was to see this sitting in his inbox--sent just about a month ago, while I was home taking care of my mom. He's since claimed that this girl reached out to him, that their exchange was brief, and most importantly that it meant absolutely nothing. Nevertheless, the email was extremely flirtatious in nature, and discussed their "planned evening" of catching up over a few glasses of wine the next time she happened to be in our city. He made a point of saying how much he was looking forward to the possibility of their "lips brushing...or am I getting ahead of myself?" wink wink. You get the tone. Basically, it made me want to throw up and left me completely gutted.
I confronted him and he came home early--insanely aplogetic, devastated, and begging for me to forgive him. He swears nothing happened and that the emails meant nothing. He says it was a silly, stupid fantasy that was never going to go anywhere and doesn't exist in the real world. He's held me in his arms for days, I've cried, we've talked it all to death, he truly seems remorseful and 100% ready to do anything I ask of him to help us move beyond this. I know technically he hasn't cheated (and he's since cut off all contact with her), but it FEELS like he has. It feels like a betrayal and I'm having a hard time getting the email out of my head. Seeing those words from him to another woman, so easy and flirtatious, have completely thrown me and I've gone from feeling incredibly safe to incredibly confused. I'm just not sure what to do. I love this man with all my heart. I know he loves me.
Some background: His father cheated on his mother for much of his childhood and he's sworn to me (and for two years given me no reason to question) that he's not in any way like his dad. But now I'm just not sure what to believe. I don't want to torture him and hold this over his head forever, but what I just don't get is why would he go looking for trouble when we've been as happy as we are? He claims this will never happen again; that he'll spend the rest of our lives proving it to me. But I still can't help feeling heartbroken, and like I'm setting myself up for jealousy, suspicion, and maybe getting hurt again down the line, when even more is at stake.
Meanwhile, my parents are gearing up to pay for what will be a gorgeous and expensive wedding, and I know deep down that if they knew about this, they'd never forgive him. (At least, my mother wouldn't.) The same goes for my closest friends, and even his family. I'm basically stuck keeping this whole mess to myself, and I'm not ready to make any sudden moves, since this all happened less than a week ago. Part of me is ready to believe him, forgive him, and move on with our lives. But another part can't help feeling worried about continuing to plan this wedding--not to mention an entire LIFE--with a person who has already hurt me before we're even married. If something like this could happen now, when everything is so lovey-dovey and wonderful, what about a year from now, or five, or ten, when we hit those inevitable bumps in the marital road? Is a flirtatious email to another woman a reason to put our wedding on hold, or to cancel our engagement altogether? If so, how do I explain it to our friends, families, and business associates without telling them all the truth?
Sigh. I'm so confused. Am I crazy to be so hurt and upset over a few flirty emails? Or is this just a warning sign of things to come, despite his complete remorse and shame over hurting me? : ( Any advice would be so welcome and appreciated. Thank you...