(Closed) Confused by male friend

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@redheadv:  first things first, you are entering in really dangerous waters. Just by judging your posts, you are concerned about this so call “friendship” to the point where it sounds like you might have a crush on him too. You have a FI already. Start drawing your boundaries. Don’t sit  next to him in class. You know he likes you yet you are allowing yourself to be in this situation.

you pay too much attention him that he is on your mind, which causes you to make a post on weddingBee. 

My dear, stop before you go too far.

Post # 5
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

LEAVE IT ALONE !!

I think it is pretty clear this guy has an interest in you… of some sort.

Be that a crush, or he’s a player of some variety.

In that there are most certainly men (and women for that matter) who find the “unavailable” individual attractive / a challenge.

Up until now it sounds like things have been very much one sided… and you’ve been preoccupied with the other stuff going on in your life (Fiance, School, GFs etc)… in that you didn’t even notice that he’s been “saving seats” etc in your classes… or that he lights up like a Christmas Tree when you are around.

At the fundraiser / party… he may have been drunk… but it was YOU that crossed boundaries by becoming curious as to “what was up” with him… either by asking, or by texting afterwards (and YOU were more aware of his behavior, when he was there, where he was in the room, what he was doing, who he was with, when he left etc)

You have to stop that… or as the other Bees have said this will not go well for you and the relationship that you have with yourself and your Fiance

You need to go back to how things were before the party

He doing his thing (crushing on you)… and you not noticing so much / being concerned about it

I wouldn’t go so far as to say… move seats etc.  Because then it is going to be REALLLY CLEAR to him that the dynamic has changed (the “in” he may have been looking for all along)

You just need to go back to being who you were, and what you were doing before the party

Just consider him, one of your acquaintances, one of your classmates, or even “one of the girls”

BUT that is all… you need to be concerned with

Let him deal with his stuff (the crush)… and you get on with what is going on in your own life…

And eventually this will all go away / die down… BUT if you break the boundary as you have… then of course things won’t go away / die down… they’ll just get worse.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 6
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I have been in a similar situation where I knew a guy liked me even though I was in a relationship and I kept being friends with him anyway. It ended…. badly. Very badly. I liked the attention, admittedly, and even though I knew he liked me I still hung out with him because he knew I was taken so I let myself off the hook. But it kept hope alive for him, and eventually there was a big scene and a blow up and we have neve really spoken more then a “hi, how’s it going” in the years since.

I honestly think you would be doing him a favor (as well as doing better for your relationship with your FI), to really distance yourself from him as much as possible.

Post # 7
Member
7306 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@redheadv:  Just leave him alone. He is or was interested but you’re not available. You have a fiance so you don’t need him as a boyfriend, and it sounds like you have plenty of friends, so you don’t need him as a friend. Plus he wanted to be more then friends anyway. Sounds like he’s moving on — let him. Don’t send mixed signals or try to pull him back “as a friend”. Let him move on, no harm no foul.

Post # 8
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m a big believer that guys and girls cannot just be friends.  I’ve never met a guy who said he would actively seek out a friendship with a girl that he had no interest in or that he wasn’t at least physically attracted to.  You already know this guy likes you, why would you put yourself in a dangerous situation?  I don’t make new guy friends.  Even at my new job with new guys, they stay at work or at group lunches with other girls.  I don’t have their numbers, I don’t contact them outside of work, I will not go out with them unless it’s in a couples date situation where my FI could be there (or their SOs).  People start to develop feelings and then they cheat.  It’s happened to my friends before where they became friends with someone of the opposite gender, JUST FRIENDS, and then all of a sudden those just friends were having sex and cheating on an SO. 

Stay away.  I don’t care how small the class is, you two can ignore each other.  Just go about your business not caring if he’s mad at you.  This is a new friendship and if you truly don’t care if it ends, then you won’t care why he’s mad at you or that he is.  You care because you’re starting to develop feelings or you like the attention which will lead to developing feelings, etc.  Back off unless you want to end up cheating on your FI or becoming confused with your relationship with your FI. 

If “Nick” approaches you again, just tell him you think it’s best if you two remain classmates and nothing more. 

Post # 9
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Honestly, I tried to have a friendship with a close male friend whilst dating (at the time) now-DH. It ended badly. This friend, we’ll call him ‘S’, confessed his LOVE FOR ME shortly after I met DH. He told me he wanted me to leave DH, be with him, and all that jazz. Well, I had always only seen him as a friend, and nothing more, so I had to end the friendship (which sucked because he was really nice and we did get along). Unfortunately, he didn’t ‘understand’ ending the friendship because he would call/text and ask me to meet him, at odd hours, alone, to ‘talk’. Uhhh no. And the more I ignored him, the more he would call/text. Now, he may have been a bit creepy and I had never realized it, but either way, it DID end when I told him straightforward to leave me alone, and that we were going to end the friendship, period, because I would not compromise DH’s trust. S threw a fit, but eventually left me alone. We had class together as well, and it was really simple to just do our own things (yes, our classes are small- 30 people max).

The point is, if you want to be with your FI and truly don’t care about Nick, you will stop talking to Nick. It’s really simple, and complicating it can only mean you have feelings, or are developing feelings for him, which is BAD.

Post # 10
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think that he def has a feelings for you, and it kinda sounds like you have feelings for him too if your getting upset that he isnt saying Hi, I would just try and stay in the friendzone, first of all he was drunk but it sounds like he is trying to be the good guy and respect that you have a FI, but your kinda confusing him and im sure its kind of upsetting him, i would just apology

Post # 11
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Admit you like the attention. A lot of things have changed for you recently, new school, move, etc. And being away from FI… It’s not surprising that you liked the attention. You arent a bad person (we’ve all done it), just realize you were getting something from the situation. 

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