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I am so sorry that you are in this position. My heart really goes out to you, but it is wonderful that your FI is so supportive of you. Yeah, it sounds like you have a very difficult family dynamic and weddings really do bring out the worst of that. I would say, "Go ahead, elope and enjoy yourself", but your comment about wanting your wedding to be a family celebration really struck me. I think you have options, especially since you still have 6 months. Perhapes you could do a private ceramony and a small gathering afterwards? The hard thing is choosing what will be best for you and your FI. What do YOU really want?
I think honestly, if I were you, I'd cancel and do something small. I would wear a pretty dress, get married at city hall, or in Vegas, or on a beach, or whatever floats your boat, and then get a beautiful meal and take a nice vacation together to celebrate. Let everyone in your family know when and where the event will be taking place and make sure they know that you would love to see them there to share this moment with you. Weddings should make you happy (on balance...there are moments, of course that are frustrating and infuriating)--yours doesn't sound like it's doing that for you. You want to be married, and that's the most important thing, so do it! Get married, be wrapped up in each other, and hope that your family will be there to support you on the day. Good luck!
Hmmm.... such a hard decision!
I had immediate family problems also, but continued on w/ my wedding because of the over all crowd who would be there. I had a great time at my wedding, but the leading months were very stressful. Just imagine you on your day, and who will realistically be there and how they will treat you. On your day you want to be stress free as possbile and just feeling the love. That was how I felt, and it was great. Everyone put their differences aside and got a long. If you don't think your family is able to do that, I would take that to heart. Idk only you will know whats right for you. My heart is out to you in whatever decision you make!
That's such a bummer. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with the other bees who posted. Do what makes you happy! If you're okay with losing the deposits, go for it and elope. Or do something waaaay smaller. Invite the family, if they show up, good, if not, their loss!
If I were in a similar situation, I probably would cancel. And I'd take a trip of a lifetime, to be married while you're away. Seriously, I would. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. I hope it all works out in a way that makes you and your FI happy :)
I agree with other bees, I'd cancel the wedding and just elope with your FI then send out announcements to family that isn't mean to you announcing your marriage etc. Maybe have a backyard bbq over the summer with your nice family. Sorry your sister and mom aren't being supportive of your decisions but as long as FI makes you happy that's all that matters, your family just has to move on and mind their business!
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, it's especially hard when family is not supportive. I say do what makes you and your FI happy. If it's moving forward with the wedding or just a private celebration for the 2 of you. Good luck!
Thanks so much for all of your support - you have NO idea how much I appreciate it!!
As far as what I want - honestly - I'm not sure. We've been engaged since August 09 - and I've thought and thought and thought about it.
I keep telling myself I don't want to have any regrets (ie: do something small and then wish I did something bigger).
We had been planning to have about 150 of our very closest friends and family.
I'm sure it's no surprise that my friends are closer to me than my actual family. It's not that I don't love my family - because I do - they just haven't been the most supportive bunch and I've relied on my friends a lot for support throughout the years.
On one hand - I know that weddings go by quick and it's all a blur. I had a big party for my 30th b'day and at the time (wasn't even dating FI) thought - this is how a wedding must feel. All your favorite people in the same place to celebrate you - but you barely get to connect with all of them.
If I did go through with it - I have no doubt that those in attendance would be supportive and happy for me (which would help me ignore any negative vibe).... I just don't know if all the prep, financial pressures, DRAMA, and wedding crazy is 'worth' it.
And - all the disapproval from my mother and sister (primarily not being happy about my choice of addition to the family) is a bit disheartening - to say the least. I know they love me and desire to have my best interests in mind....but it also makes me quite angry/frustrated/defeated.
That is really unfortunate. They will be the ones with regret later. I have known a few recent situations where a family was not happy with their daughters choices. In one, she got pregnant out of wedlock, one was marrying a boy they didn't really like, and in one, the girl got pregnant and was marrying right away. I thought, you may not like it but you need to embrace the situation as it isn't the end of the world. Be happy for your daughter or you will regret it later once time has passed.
I know how you feel about regretting not having the wedding. If I were in your shoes, I think I would still have the wedding but would make it more offbeat and way way less traditional. I'm thinking How I Met your Mother wedding (by the tree) or Phoebe's from friends. Highlight your friends. Either way, if you elope or not, your sister won't be there. It sounds like only your mother is the other vocal person? Other than that, it seems everyone else is excited. You could have a reception later too for a 10th anniversary or 5th. I would probably stop talking to my mom about the wedding. That should alleviate the remaining drama.
Keep us posted.
There were seriously about 4 occasions where I decided to just dump the drama and go somewhere and get married.... but deep down, I always knew I wanted my dream church wedding. I wanted my family and friends there, and I wanted the big reception, where our names were called and we come running into the room... I couldn't let go of those things - so I dealt with the issue at the time, and continued on with my planning. I'm about 2.5 months out, and I'm glad I have stuck with the plan... even if it has been a nightmare.
If you want the big wedding, do it.. you won't regret fulfilling your dream wedding. If you aren't that attached to it, do what ever makes you and your FI happiest.
Oh my gosh, my heart goes out to you! We had a LOT of family drama during our planning, but nothing in the way of either family not liking who the other chose to marry. It was quite the opposite, actually.
Honestly, I would start telling upir mom how awful she's making the planning process, and tell her that you're seriously considering eloping and just having it be the two of you because of all the negativity. See how she reacts. Say that her opinions on your FI are unwelcome and they need to be kept to herself. If it doesn't get better in 2-3 weeks, or maybe 4 weeks, I would cancel it all and take a super fancy vacation.
As for your sister, she's the one who will regret not being there. Ene of story. Whatever drama she causes on the side is her problem. I know it's frustrating (believe me, I know), but the only person she'll hurt in the process is herself. Anyone that partakes in her ridiculous behavior is just as insane.
I really hope things get better for you. I really do.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this! It’s sad that your family can’t just be happy for you.
Not to play devil’s advocate but before meeting my FH I used to date a guy that my family didn’t like either. We dated for six years. SIX. YEARS. And in that time my family never once said to me that they did not like him. However they would act a little distant whenever I would bring him over. Fast forward to when we broke up. I sat down with my sister and asked her why she never liked him (since it was obvious that she didn’t, at least to me) and she said that it was because of the way he treated me. Not because of his lack of motivation, his lack of a college degree, or whatever else, but because he would talk down to me even in front of them. He didn’t believe in marriage and tried to convince me it’s stupid. He would sulk if I spent some time hanging out with my sisters. He was possessive and childish, but being in the relationship I guess I just had blinders on and didn’t see it. When I asked my sister why she never told me any of this, she just said, “would you have listened?” And it's probably true, I would just have gotten defensive.
I’m not saying our situation are at all alike, but it just reminded me of that time. Sometimes it’s romantic to think that it’s “you and me against the world,” but other times it pays to listen to outside opinions. Looking back now, they were completely right about him. I’m a little sad that it took me so long (on my own) to realize it but now I am with a man who couldn’t be more perfect.
Again, I'd like to make sure and emphasize that I don't think that's your situation at all! As long as you are happy, being treated right, and in love, then really everyone that cares about you should be happy too, no excuses!
PS: Do a destination wedding! Save that money and elope to Europe!
Maybe having the wedding and your family seeing you say your vows and celebrating with you will help them realize how real your love is for one another?
I say have the wedding! This day is for the two of you, and if your family loves you they will come around.
wow that is a lot to deal with. You and your FH are the priorties here. I couldnt imaging my family being there and not being happy for me. You are a grown woman! And kudos to you for standing up to your sister.
My moms family HATED my dad, HATED him! He was Catholic (not to mention poor) and my mom was Jewish, who use to date plenty well to do other Jewish men. They told my mom he was a nazi and was going to kill her. My mom said screw them all, she loved him and was going to marry him. And she did. Had a small ceremony in the judges chambers (my Great Grandfather was a judge) and she told her family when and where it will be, no invitations, no hoopla. My Grandmother walked in at the last minute. Then mom and dad took everyone out to a nice dinner, they spent their honeymoon in NYC (we live w/in viewing distance of the city so it was right next door!)
Happily married 34 years.
Moral of the story, do what YOU want, what makes the most sense for you and your FH. I wouldn't want to waste my hard earned cash to give the nay-sayers a good meal. Start your life together off right - no one needs unneccesary negativity!
The hive is pretty much on point, do what YOU feel comfortable doing. Even if your mom's opinion has been hurtful you should also take into consideration the other people that will come to the wedding.
Would you be okay with excluding your other family and friends b/c of your situation with you mom and sister? Think of all the other people who ARE genuinely excited about your wedding and weigh the pros and cons of having a big wedding versus small wedding.
I also agree with what someone said earlier about confronting your mom about what she said to you and how it makes you feel. Don't hold back on letting her now how her words have made you feel more isolated from the family. In my own family I've seen my aunts do the same thing to my cousins. In the end it really only hurt them because later on when my cousins started families, my aunts were sad to see that they weren't a big role in their grandchildren's lives. It also stung to see my cousins ignoring my aunts are family functions when it was so obvious that my aunts were trying hard to connect again. Just painful to watch in general. Clearly you care so much about your mom that you'd never want to have that kind of family dynamic.
Best of luck!
Yeah I say just have a city hall, or DW wedding and forgo paying all that money for people who don't even really support it to go at your cost. Invite your bigges supporters to your small intimate wedding and be happy and a whole lot less in debt.
If I were in your boat, i'd pick a fabulous city hall (San Francisco! New York City!) and do it up in an amazing and beautiful way. If my family was not supporting me, there's no way i'd be going through the planning process and spending this money. Make sure you do what you need to do to ensure that your wedding day is HAPPY!
Thanks everyone. I'm trying SUPER hard to figure out what I want. I almost think it's one of those things that I won't know until I go through it.
If money was not an issue, I'd do the big wedding and just bask in our love & the support of those who are willing to give it - and try to ignore the issues of those that won't. My mom is telling me she's happy that I'm happy - FI is just not who she'd choose for me. And, from how she handled my siblings spouses - she's come leaps and bounds.
My mom does give my sister's opinion a LOT of credit. I think if my sister was more supportive, she would be too. But, I can't change their opinion.
And - @kwago - I have listened to what they have to say. They are not making outlandish points (in terms of his education, socio-economic, ethnic background). He's not someone they pictured me to end up with. Quite frankly - he's nothing I pictured I'd end up with - but, he's perfect for me. I don't need a clone of myself - I think we compliment each other really well.
My sister and I have a super strained relationship - and I think that's why she is currently lashing out. Prior to this, while she initially gave me the "are you sure he's the one" talk when we first got engaged - she had been wanting to help and seemed to be onboard (even though, that came with it's own drama).
All that said - money IS an issue, since it's a huge undertaking for FI and I. I guess we can rethink the reception and try to downscale it ... although, I already thought I WAS downscaling!!!!! ;) All this family drama makes me wonder why I'm even bothering. I know the friends and family who are supportive will be supportive no matter what.... ack!
Guess I need to start a pros/cons list to keeping things as is - or making changes.... maybe that will help me figure out what's best for FI and me.
Hold up though, let's be fair to your groom and his family. Is it possible that they want a wedding too? I do not think you ought to elope but instead scale down the reception a bit and think of a really intimate way to have a wedding.
I have noticed weddings seem to bring out the worst in families. It might be in different ways (my family have been selfish and critical of my planning) but there seems to always be that one person who just can't manage to be happy/supportive for you and your FH.
We have been thinking of backing out of everything and eloping because of family drama (again, I have a critical family (I know there will be mocking on my appearance) and it stresses me out) and the only reason we aren't is because everyone supports us getting married. If that support was weak or gone, there wouldn't be a question in my mind; WE WOULD ELOPE!
I would think you want the most supportive and the most loving people at your wedding. If your family doesn't fit that bill, then ditch them.
If they are this negative now, think how they will be on the wedding day? Your pictures will be filled with fake family, phony smiles and fales happines.
Why cancel the most important day of your life because of other people's rudeness and selfishness! My sister decided not to be in my wedding and not even to come now for no reason at all but I will not let it get to me anymore. I love my Fi and thats all that matters. Moms will never accept whom we choose especially when we are the youngest, nobody knows the love we have behind closed doors. If you really want to have a wedding, then have it and be happy about it. If you think you will regret cancelling it then you probably will. My brother and sister has put me through a complete nightmare through my whole planning process but I have learned to pick myself up and acknowledge the 80 people that are genuinely happy for us that will be at our wedding. Do what feels right for you and your FI.
In the movie 'Titanic' and 'The Notebook', the woman was richer and the man was poorer but the love was stronger than anybody can have in their lifetime. Its not about education or money when it comes to unconditional love, a marriage will never last if it is based on money or education. I know plenty of men that have a higher education than the woman and the woman is miserable, trust me
I have had a lot of family drama during the wedding planning process. A LOT. And while the drama has not been focused around my choice in a FH, it has been enough to significantly strain my relationships with my family- and I have been the peacekeeper in my family for years.
So my want of the whole wedding experience began to dwindle and I started to think about the meaning of marriage. I sat down with my FI and asked him to marry me in a small ceremony- with just 2 friends as our witnesses. After several discussions, he agreed, and we were married in February in a short yet sweet ceremony that less than 10 people know about. A couple of days after our ceremony, I realized having a wedding was no longer important to me. I have 10 pictures from the day, a grocery store cake, and a $30 dress from Target and I couldn't be happier. I can't say it would be the same for you, but I can tell you it was amazing to make a commitment to someone without family drama but with the love and support of our friends, who in all honestly, are our family.
You have to do what you think will make you happy, which isn't always an easy answer to find. I was ok with losing our deposits but my husband/fiance wants to have the party to get our families together. So I compromised and am planning a big dinner party where we'll all be dressed up and everyone will think they are attending a wedding...but I just got way more frugal than I would have been before!
Thank you all very much for your feedback, support and taking the time to comment.
I'm still in the process of processing all of this - but, what's becoming very clear to me is I still want a wedding celebration. Even though my mom and sister will cast a somewhat negative haze on the day (if sister even comes), I'll be surrounded by friends and family that are supportive of our relationship. That's what I want to cherish. And, I think I would regret 'caving' and going a different route, just because I'm getting disapproval.
I plan to shift my focus a bit, and focus in on the people who are positive - instead of the family that is negative. It will continue to be challenging, I'm sure - but, I refuse to allow the negativity cloud my enjoyment of the day!
I am, however, rethinking having my mother walk me down the aisle. Unfortunately, I already told her about it - but, it doesn't sit well for her to do so, if she's half hearted about the whole affair. I'm not sure how I'm going to break it to her (assuming I make that decision)... we'll see how it all shakes out.
Just wanted to update you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your feedback. Yet again, the hive saves the day!!
good on you, if it was me i would have pulled out and gone to a destination wedding with just the witnesses and sent invitations to a receptions when you got back with photographs of the two of you saying "WE GOT MARRIED COME CELEBRATE OUR LOVE".
that way it is more of a party and more loving and less of a stress attack with ppl not liking your choice, i mean your already married what are they going to do?xo
Is it possible to half cancel? As in keep some things you've already put a down payment on while keeping it very tiny and private?
I'd realized early on that not all weddings are for the couple. In our case, we realized we wanted to just have it by ourselves, exactly the way we wanted it. Perhaps you can look into that route too. A wedding is a moment of memories and celebration - celebrations don't have include everyone if you don't want to, or if it'll take away from the joy of the moment.
FOLLOW YOUR HEART.
My mom and I had a HUGE riff over the fact that I chose a destination wedding and some of her sister's children couldn't afford to attend. It was a major headache and almost made me throw in the towel and do a "traditional" church wedding here. But that's not what I wanted. And I would've always resented her a little bit if I had changed my wedding and let her guilt me into what SHE wanted.
As I've gotten further into the planning process, I've discovered (in my family at least), that once people see how happy you are with your decisions, they will often try to be more supportive (or in my mom's case, stay quiet and let me have my fun). Once the actual wedding day arrives, I think everyone will be happy and have a wonderful time. I feel like planning tends to be stressful and bring out the worst in everyone, but once people see you in your dress at the end of the aisle, with that big beaming smile...well, sometimes it changes things. And for just that one day, things are beautiful. :)
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Hi hive... I could really use your support right now.
Some background: FI and are stretching (financially) to make the wedding happen. Originally, we had decided it was important to us to have a wedding for both us and our families. As the babies of both families (and the last ones to get married), this would be the event to bring people together (on both sides).
More background: my family has never been thrilled with my choice for a FH. He doesn't have the same education level and is an introvert (so they see him as not being able to keep up with me, or be in the same caliber). All of this is true (to some degree), but I find our personalities compliment each other really well.
Also keep in mind, that FI and I have dated for 4 1/2 years and we are 34/35 years old! So, it's not like we are rushing into anything.
My mother informed me yesterday that my sister will not be attending the wedding. She and I had a falling out a couple months ago (because I refused to let her bully me and I stood up for myself (first time in a long time)) and I feel like this is her way of punishing me. She also told my mom that she will not allow the rest of her family (husband and my favorite nephew) to attend.
That conversation then went into how no one likes FI or FI's family and my mom is sad for the choice I've made.
I got upset and asked her why she just couldn't be happy for me. She told me she was happy because of me, but sad because she doesn't think FI is the best choice for me.
I then was further appalled, because she said something like I do more for FI than I do for her. (More background - my father passed away when I was a kid, and through the years, my mom (perhaps to an unhealthy degree) has depended on me to do things. She's in her late 70's and still very able, but I think there is a part of her that feels like she's losing me (knowing that she won't be my primary focus - let alone to someone that she doesn't approve of).
But, in a huge nutshell - all this drama is making me rethink if I even want a wedding. The whole point (IMO) was to get the family together to celebrate this new union. But, the reality is, I know they won't really be happy for me.
I do have a first cousin I talked to last night (he doesn't have a clue as to what's going on with the immediate family) and it was so refreshing because he was interested in the plans and telling me how excited he was for the big event. It just made the disparity between how my immediate family is acting and how he is acting so clear - and, it makes me question why I'm making sacrifices to make this wedding happen (when we could take that money and use it for other things!)
Anyway - we are 6 months out and I'm only about 2K in for deposits - meaning, if I were to cancel it now, it wouldn't be so terrible. I'm so confused. I keep asking myself if I'll regret it, but - at this point, I don't think I will.
FI's been super understanding and will go whatever route I want to take....