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So, a lot of people have been discussing whether it's rude to ask for money or mention gifts at all on invitations, stuff like that. The logic is that it is rude to assume people will give you gifts or to ask for something specific. Particularly the assuming bit. The thing I don't get it is bridal showers! As I've never heard of one happening in England, I may have the wrong impression of what they are, but it seems to me that the entire event is based around you inviting people somewhere so they can give you gifts? How is that not considered rude in the US? Or, is there anyone in the US (or elsewhere) who does think the concept of bridal showers is rude?
The key part of bridal showers is that it is very inappropriate for the bride-to-be to host a shower. It can be hosted by another family member/ friend. As a result they are throwing a shower in your honor. Not sure if that helps at all.
Actually, the concept of bridal showers the way that I often see them being described on these boards, is pretty rude.
The original notion was that when a girl sets up house for the first time, she needs a whole bunch of little mundane things that, while none of them is really the kind of future heirloom people give for wedding presents, are nonetheless a bit of a problem to acquire overnight: tea towels, dusters, paring knives, muffin tins, dishrags, measuring spoons, egg timer .... But setting up house is pretty exciting: it is the kind of thing all your unmarried girl-friends can't wait to do; and they naturally want to be involved in setting up yours since they don't have one of their own yet. So, they get together and decide to hold a "shower" for you. A traditional shower has one guest, and umpteen co-hosts; and was often held as a surprise for the bride -- who had nothing whatsoever to do with planning it. The girls co-hosting typically had it at the home of one of their members, and baked little refreshments and played games. It's a very sweet idea.
What made it acceptable was, that the hostesses never asked anyone who wasn't part of their intimate crowd, to chip in; and they kept the gifts to small everyday items that didn't have to fit in with the bride's "style" and wouldn't embarrass the bride by being ostentiously charitable. Sometimes a shower might be given by the groom's family, to welcome the bride, but in that case it would be kept within the family. Since the bride was about to become a family member, they wouldn't put themselves in the position of "begging" on her behalf from more distant connections or from friends.
Nowadays we often see brides "telling" their Maid of Honour that it's her "duty" to throw a shower for them, and filling out a list of friends to be invited. And yes, with all that involvement from the bride going on in the background, it is indeed unpleasantly self-serving. But then, it is also nowadays largely de trop, simply because most brides have already set up housekeeping and acquired tea-towels and egg-timers; and so for that matter have most of their unmarried friends. So it has become a ritual instead of a practical friendly celebration; and those brides busy managing things in the background are just trying to make sure they get all their fair share of the rituals that they associate with their status as "The Bride".
@aspasia475: Well said!
Most bridal showers I have been to (granted, I can count them on one hand) the bride has been asked to furnish a list of her female friends and that is the extent of her involvement. While it is expected that it happens, the BRIDE does not do the throwing, she does the attending and being made a spectacle of in a hat of bows and ribbons...
this is why I am actually happy that no one is throwing me a shower -- they just put me off.
I'm no expert, but I guess I always thought of the bridal shower as a G-rated alternative to the bachelorette party in which moms, aunts, younger family members, etc. can participate in celebrating the bride-to-be and get to know each other in a sweet, intimate way before the wedding minus the party hearty activities. Female close friends and family can have an opportunity to play a few games and have some snacks and chat and get excited about wedding planning. However, I have to agree that the idea has stressed me out a bit in that I feel like I don't want anyone to feel obligated to give gifts.
I do think in general they are kind of rude. Which I why I refused to let anyone thorw me a bridal shower. I was fairly upset to learn people are INSISTING on throwing me a baby shower now. I don't like the idea at all.
In my lifetime, showers have always been a tradition rather than a 'ritual', and we still keep them as surprises for the bride-to-be. We don't ask for and get guest lists either, as somebody always has the wedding list beforehand, so we know who needs to be invited as well as their addresses. The guests are limited to close family and friends, and we open gifts, eat some great food and just socialize. I have yet to ever hear from anyone that having a shower is in any way considered 'rude'.
Through the years, some of the BTB have registered, but we make it clear to the guests to feel free to use the registry as a guide and not a gift request list. I have never seen or heard of any of the girls get annoyed if someone didn't follow it, and we are a very outspoken family..so I know I'd hear about it somehow, if anyone had complained.
Since I know little about how other people in other parts of the world prepare for their weddings, it never occurred to me that anyone would find the practice of having a bridal shower anything other than what it is to us....
My mother and mother in law threw mine - and it was mostly family, not friends. It was able to include a lot of older members who otherwise wouldn't have been so involved. Yes, I got a lot of presents, but that wasn't what mattered in the end.
IMO bridal showers are a way for the woman to celebrate the up coming marriage. I didnt "expect" to have any but my FIs aunts threw me one.. and it was more about them welcoming me into their family than giving me gifts (though I did get lovely gifts!). My Aunt threw me one as well, and it was my family getting together celebrating the fact that I was getting married.
Usually smaller things are bought off the registrey, or people will bring things because they don't want to bring a gift to the actual wedding.
I don't think they are about getting gifts as much as celebrating the up comming union and a bonding experience. You play games, get advise on marriage, and celebrate with family and friends.
If the point of the shower is just to get presents then yes, its rude. If its to celebrate with your family and friends then no, its not. You get presents at a wedding as well and thats not rude.
@aspasia475: I think this reasoning is part of why I don't like showers either. The original purpose doesn't apply in my case. We already live together, both lived on our own before that, and have all of the household stuff we need. Why ask other people to buy us regular household items when we have careers and are doing fine financially?
I can appreciate that other people see value in a shower as a time to bond with close female friends, I just feel like I can do that by having a girls day out kind of thing where we do something fun, without all the presents.
I usually try to not let boards or posts get to me but this one kind of does. To me its kind of "rude" those of you who are judging others who are having showers. My MOH is throwing me one, im not involved in the planning, just gave her a list of people i would like there and the date i would be available. Where i live it would actually seem strange if a bride didnt have a bridal shower. I dont care what so ever about the gifts, although i will be very greatful in what people bring. For me it is a little party to bring the two sides together and have fun- playing games, telling stories and getting to know each other better. Its also a way for our elders to pass on some advice and share there stories of marriage. At most of the showers ive been to people bring recipes or cook books and not actually big expensive gifts. Again to me its not about the gifts. Ive never been upset about buying gifts for people, it was always an honor to be invited to a shower for me and i was always more than happy to bring a special gift to the bride. Now on the otherhand i do agree it is rude if you are a bride who ONLY cares about the gifts and not the other aspects of the party.
I have hosted and been a guest at what seems like a million bridal showers. I never felt that there was anything awkward or rude about them at all. When it was my turn to be the one being "showered" I definitely felt weird about inviting people to a party where the probably felt obligated to bring me something. However - in my circle it is usually just a great excuse to get everyone together, drink lots of mimosas and catch up. I know my friends were just as happy to be there for me as I have always been to do it for them. It felt much less awkward than I thought it would.
@houstonlawbride: I agree with you--in my circle, showers are a way to have a nice party to celebrate someone. When my friends found out I was engaged, I had to turn down 3 showers from well-meaning friends, since I knew my MOH wanted to have one for me. I can't stop the girls at work from throwing one--they'll throw a shower for every major event!
@BettyKnocker: @Elarissa: @smitty22: i am definitely with all of you. i wanted and had a shower for the purpose of getting together to hang out, play games, eat food and get excited about my upcoming wedding. i am away on internship and so had my shower when i went home for the holidays. however, i almost told my sister (MOH) not to do one because i could not bring gifts back with me on a plane, nor did i have space for anything more! and i knew that people would assume to bring a gift to a shower, but i really could not have them doing that. finally we came up with the idea to ask people if they want to contribute to one gift that i could pack, which everyone was happy to do and it worked out great!
I just want to add a little part to this: it's always nice to see people at the bridal shower who may not be able to make it to the wedding. If feels like they were still part of the celebration.
@RR: oh yes, that was another reason i had a bridal shower, because for many of my guests i thought it would be the only time i could even celebrate with them since they all couldnt make it to Jamaica. At the time, i was not planning an AHR.
@smitty22: Agree.
@VickyAurea: That's the way they do things. I actually find all the differences really interesting. I got gifts at my hen/bacherlorette party so I imagine us English brides just have a shower and hen party all on the same night, whereas US brides get to have two parties, good on them I say. As smitty22: said it would only be rude "it is rude if you are a bride who ONLY cares about the gifts and not the other aspects of the party."
@aspasia475: very well said. i never wanted a shower the first time i got married and didn't get one. i don't want one this time either.
I think that it does sound rude, but the only reason why it might not be rude, is that its become so culturally accepted and expected. Since it has become such a staple of pre-wedding traditions, everyone expects that before her wedding there will be a shower that requires bringing gifts. Since they automatically expect it, it doesnt occur to most to think of it as rude. For instance, im pretty sure my estranged child hood friend invited me to her baby shower just to bring a gift, and i dont think thats rude. I dont wanna go since i wont know anyone and it would be awkward, but i'm planning on having coffee with her some time before and bringing a gift then
@RR:, @PurpleUnicorn: You are right that the fellowship is what makes the whole shower tradition sweet. I think that's what some girls associate most with the word "shower", even more than the presents, because from time to time I'll see a bride posting that her "mom is throwing my shower, but we are asking people not to bring presents." Mother's aren't supposed to throw showers, of course, but if it's just a different name for a bridal tea, it would be silly to get all fraught over the semantics. I am very fond of the old tradition of the bride's female relatives inviting their lady friends over to meet the bride (and snoop into her wedding plans).
Of course, nowadays you will also get the tyro etiquette-mavens arguing that it's wrong to invite anyone to any pre-wedding parties unless they are invited to everything. So if you were to follow that (bad) logic, you wouldn't get to share even your shower with those who weren't attending the wedding -- not even if those people are perfectly aware that they won't be able to attend and want to share with you anyway. The logic for this "rule" is that you'll be collecting gifts from them, but they won't be being compensated by collecting a free meal from you. In other words, the "rule" itself is based on a materialistic presumption that the gifts are what its all about.
Part of that is the fault of Peggy Post with her "you must send a gift" rule, but I wonder if some of it isn't a result of poor self-esteem on the part of those making the rule: that they can't imagine their hostess might want them just for their company and NOT want that pleasure complicated by worrying about gifts.
This was an intereting one to me as my fiance is british, and i was trying to explain to his mum and sister about our american traditions of bridal and baby showers. My mom was throwing my shower and since we re doing a DW its nice that people can come to the shower who cant make it the wedding. But ive kept his mum very up to date on what we are doing and all the things my mom has planned, we just have different cultures and just as i didnt understand why they didnt have showers, they dont get why we have them! I dont think theyre rude, i just think theyre misunderstood!!
When I got engaged, we had to figure how to the parties because I live 3,000 miles away from my family and my bridal party is in several time zones! My MOH (who lives in NY near me) threw my bachelorette party which was a total surprise to me. All I did was give her a guest list and told her what date would probably work best.
For awhile I totally thought I wouldn't have a bridal shower, because there was no one to host it. But then my MOH talked to one of my bridesmaids and she offered to host one the week of the wedding (when I'm back in town). So I was like "cool!" I'm pretty stoked about having one, not just because I'll get presents, but because it's more one-on-one time with my friends who I don't really get to see. If a "bridal shower" doesn't end up working out, then we're going to do like a simple girl's night out a few days before the wedding. My main goal is just to see my friends!
My mom was all like "well how can they afford to bring a gift to the bridal shower and the wedding so close together?" I had to tell her that it's bringing presents to a wedding that is not required. Obviously a bridal shower is about "showering" the bride with gifts, but not the wedding. So I don't think it's asking people to do more than what they're comfortable. And if they don't want to buy me something then I guess they just won't come.
When I got engaged, we had to figure how to the parties because I live 3,000 miles away from my family and my bridal party is in several time zones! My MOH (who lives in NY near me) threw my bachelorette party which was a total surprise to me. All I did was give her a guest list and told her what date would probably work best.
For awhile I totally thought I wouldn't have a bridal shower, because there was no one to host it. But then my MOH talked to one of my bridesmaids and she offered to host one the week of the wedding (when I'm back in town). So I was like "cool!" I'm pretty stoked about having one, not just because I'll get presents, but because it's more one-on-one time with my friends who I don't really get to see. If a "bridal shower" doesn't end up working out, then we're going to do like a simple girl's night out a few days before the wedding. My main goal is just to see my friends!
My mom was all like "well how can they afford to bring a gift to the bridal shower and the wedding so close together?" I had to tell her that it's bringing presents to a wedding that is not required. Obviously a bridal shower is about "showering" the bride with gifts, but not the wedding. So I don't think it's asking people to do more than what they're comfortable. And if they don't want to buy me something then I guess they just won't come.
When I got engaged, we had to figure how to the parties because I live 3,000 miles away from my family and my bridal party is in several time zones! My MOH (who lives in NY near me) threw my bachelorette party which was a total surprise to me. All I did was give her a guest list and told her what date would probably work best.
For awhile I totally thought I wouldn't have a bridal shower, because there was no one to host it. But then my MOH talked to one of my bridesmaids and she offered to host one the week of the wedding (when I'm back in town). So I was like "cool!" I'm pretty stoked about having one, not just because I'll get presents, but because it's more one-on-one time with my friends who I don't really get to see. If a "bridal shower" doesn't end up working out, then we're going to do like a simple girl's night out a few days before the wedding. My main goal is just to see my friends!
My mom was all like "well how can they afford to bring a gift to the bridal shower and the wedding so close together?" I had to tell her that it's bringing presents to a wedding that is not required. Obviously a bridal shower is about "showering" the bride with gifts, but not the wedding. So I don't think it's asking people to do more than what they're comfortable. And if they don't want to buy me something then I guess they just won't come.
I like showers because they are an excuse for everyone to get together and play games and talk wedding. It is a fun atmosphere and exciting. Also, I love attending them and bringing a present and having it appreciated in person rather than just getting a generic thank you note post wedding.
I'm American and I've always felt showers are a bit off. They don't bother me, to each their own, but I was never interested in having one. Back when I was a kid showers were very different- more of a social gathering than anything else.
I'm having a shower, and to be honest I hadn't thought twice about it. Where I am from, and amongst my close circle of family and friends, it would raise a lot of eyebrows if a person did not have a shower. My mom is hosting mine. She is an only child, so I don't have aunts on her side. My dad has one sister who is older and has health issues, and MOH lives on the other side of the country. Again though, this is not something that I ever thought twice about. I have been to a lot of showers that were hosted by the MOB. I am exicted about my shower. It will be the one of the few times this summer that I will see a lot of my family before the wedding, because summer is such a crazy time for everyone.
I think, as with a lot of things concerning weddings, the way it is percieved varies from region to region. Sure it is antiquated tradition that has become overblown over time, but then so have weddings in general. It is up to the people hosting the events to keep it at a level that they, and their guests, are comfortable with.
I see it as a fun way to hang out with the ladies of your life and celebrate the upcoming wedding, especially if many of those ladies cant make it to the wedding!
I loved my shower and found that it was a great opportunity to get together with friends and family who couldn't make it to the wedding. We were getting married an hour or so out of town and a lot of our older family members and family friends couldn't make the drive at night to come to the wedding. They would have been absolutely offended if we hadn't had a shower for them to come to because they wanted to celebrate with us as well! My faux auntie hosted mine and the only thing I did was provide her with the guest list. This was really helpful since she didnt know which friends and family members would be in town at that time and which family friends would want to come since they couldn't make the wedding.
I have been to a lot of showers, both wedding and baby, and have to say I can't stand them (though I don't think the events are rude in themselves -- it's tradition). I may have been to a couple that were fun social opportunities, but for the most part, it's been lame games, and sitting there watching someone open gifts -- what could be more boring? I have friends who refuse to attend baby showers on principle -- bad luck to get all that stuff before a baby is born. But the culture seems to be going the other way, where all these things are expectations, and people announce their baby's name, gender, and post ultrasound pictures on Facebook...
At least I know I'm not the only one not having a shower!
I'm not having a shower, but I do know people in england who have had showers for both wedding and baby, so its not just an american thing. Either way I dont like the idea of showers either. Although I think its much more acceptable for babies than for weddings
Showers are thrown FOR the bride. A wedding is thrown BY the bride. that's the difference.
You can't ask for gifts at a party you throw for yourself.
But someone else (a sister or maid of honor usually) can say "Why don't we all help them get started?" and it's not as rude.
I agree with so many of the PPs. I have been to at least a few dozen showers, both baby and bridal and see absolutely nothing rude about them. Everyone has their own opinion, but I love playing the games! I also really love being able to see close girlfriends and relatives that I don't see often. Let's face it, on the wedding day itself, you will have VERY little time to spend with those outside of the wedding party. I see my shower as a day where I can celebrate the wedding with these ladies in a more intimate way. Also, there are at least a few ladies coming, who for one reason or the other can't attend the wedding (though they were invited) and they are excited to still be able to share in the wedding festivities.
It would be rude of the bride to ask anyone for gifts, but the shower is never thrown by the bride. It's typically thrown by the mom, aunts or bridesmaids.
In all complete honesty, I have never once known someone to think of showers as rude because they involve giving gifts. I've always felt more than honored to attend a shower and excited to be able to give the bride/mom-to-be something she needs. I would be someone to think it odd for there not to be a shower. I'd wonder whether the bride's friends don't want to put something together for her, or whether the pregnancy isn't being celebrated for some reason.,,,,but that is the culture I grew up in.
I look at it as a means to celebrate with close girlfriends and the more time we have together the better! My MOH is hosting a shower for me while my other bridesmaid jumped to purchase the invites through a local stationary shoppe she supports. I furnished a guest list and was asked by my bridesmaid to provide a registry reference for the invite. I felt a little weird about the registry reference but it turns out most friends were already asking what I needed and where they could get it, so for them it was a help. I really don't care if someone doesn't get me a gift because their presence is enough of a gift for me, but for those that do get a gift of course I am grateful. We are having a tea part theme and I've encouraged guests to show up in floral, flowing dresses, fancy hats and such. :) Moreover, my bridal shower is nice way to include everyone on a pretty summer day and celebrate my upcoming marriage with gals I love.
Wow, I've never heard of showers being considered rude. So, this thread was news to me.
I am an Encore bride and am still being thrown a shower which I am sure will make someones etiquette head explode somewhere...however, I didn't ask for one, nor am I having anything to do with it.
My moh and mother got together when I was out of town a couple weeks ago and started discussing details. All that was asked of me was my preference of the day and a list of my friends that maybe they don't know and my FI's family so everyone could be included. I was told the theme but didn't choose it nor would I have wanted to.
I know nothing else about it and most likely will not be registering as we live together now and don't really "need" anything.
So, to me, it's a wonderful gesture by amazing ppl in my life that want to do that for me and it will be for fun and social time to discuss the wedding. Not for gifts.
I've always viewed showers as an opportunity for the women in a bride's life to share their tricks and tools of the trade, both literally and figuratively. They can give insight into what makes a happy marriage, celebrate the bride's happiness, and send her off into marriage with a few things they think she might find either useful or sentimental. I think of them as a celebration of where she's going with the people who represent where she's coming from.
I think most rules and etiquette are contradictory and outdated... I guess here it isn't "rude" because it is the societal norm.
I don't see throwing bridal showers as being any more rude than throwing a birthday party. It's more or less the same: some women will throw a birthday party because they want a ton of gifts, while others could care less about the gifts and just want another chance to share the excitement of reaching a big milestone with their friends.
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