(Closed) Confused Little Waitingbee…Would love some advice

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t stress too much about it. 

Moving in together should really cement your relationship (most of the time anyway!) and should encourage him to propose sooner rather than later. 

You’re only 1.5 years in, if you were 5+ years in I would be a bit concerned, but it is still relatively new. Just enjoy it ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 5
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I feel the same way you do about moving in before an engagement. If it’s something you’re truly not ok with, don’t do it. What if you do move in together and the proposal doesn’t happen soon thereafter? That’s always a possibility, especially since men get “comfortable” and feel like they don’t have to propose if you’re living together for some reason. They think it’s the same as being married, but I really don’t think it is. That’s just my opinion though…

Post # 6
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think it is uncommon for people to feel the same way you do. It is true that some relationships don’t seem to last when couples move in together, but it can have the opposite effect too. 

I would suggest sitting down with him and telling him your concerns about moving in together and your future. Hopefully he will be able to ease your mind about the state of your relationship. 

Based on what you have said he says, it sounds like he definitely wants to be with you. 

Post # 7
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LittleBee84:  I know exactly where you are coming from.  My guy says the same exact thing to me about trusting him, whenever we get on this topic.  I am trying but it’s really hard to be patient sometimes!  I am also on the same page with you as far as not wanting to live together if there is no engagement.  If it’s something that is really important to you, I think you should stick to it, and he should be understanding.  At the very least, if you do decide to move in, I think he should give you a clear timeline.

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – LittleBee84: First off…

I see you are NEW to WBee… so WELCOME to “the Hive”

Looks like you have a bunch of emotions going on… and various concerns that are bothering you.

ITEM ONE

You are WAITING.  And waiting sucks.  It naturally leaves you in a state of limbo where it is difficult to look forward or backwards, or to enjoy the present.

I feel for you… and prescribe some (( HUGS )) and also perhaps that you take a look at Mr Bee’s wonderful post here on WBee for Waiting Bees, entitled *Mr Bee’s Three Step Plan (and Back Up Plan) for Getting Engaged* = http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged

LOTS of great advice in that read.

ITEM TWO

Living Together.  I understand your position… every woman is different in what they feel about this topic (same is true of premarital sex… there is no RIGHT or WRONG way… ya do what works for you).  IF not living together prior to at least having an Engagement Announcement / Ring is important to you, then you need to convey that info to him (Men are not mind readers).  You can do this as part of telling him about your LIFE PLAN.

Every woman should have a LIFE PLAN.  An idea (road map) of where they are going in life, and how they wish to get there.  Again there is no RIGHT or WRONG way… some of us take a plane, some of us much prefer the train, while others love meandering along on a slow road trip along the back roads.  (Anyways you get the idea)

Your LIFE PLAN should be a general statement in regards to things like… I am currently working towards ___, I see myself in ___ job, I want to be engaged by the time I am ___, Because I see myself marrying sometime in ___, I want kids by the time I am ___, I would like a (condo – house – ski chalet – vacation home, etc) in the future

NO ONE can tell you your LIFE PLAN is RIGHT or WRONG or SILLY.  So don’t listen to anyone who gives you that nonsense.

Your Man needs to know your LIFE PLAN if you are hoping to have a committed relationship with you… so he knows EVERYTHING that is most important to you going in.  LIFE PLANS are launching points for serious discussions.  Encourage him to share his… that way you can find out if the other person is insync with your Goals, Dreams, etc.  (No point marrying someone who isn’t on the same page for most of the read)

Therefore,

If Being Engaged is a REQUIREMENT for you as a condition of Moving In Together, then he needs to know that upfront.

ITEM THREE

Getting Engaged.  Obviously your guy has this in his LIFE PLAN as he’s told you about it.  It is just a matter of WHEN it will happen (Guys don’t vocalize serious stuff… unless they are serious about it… so that is GOOD NEWS).  The Downside is they don’t always give us a timeline to work with.

I find your statement…

I just worry that he’s hesitating and is suddenly unsure over whether or not he wants to be with me…

A bit disturbing… as I am not clear from reading your post, WHERE or HOW you came to that possible conclusion.

What I read is a guy who is in planning mode…

Well, a couple of weeks ago he brought it up (out of the blue) and said that he would want to move in together and propose “shortly thereafter”.  I became really confused and when I tried to ask what “shortly thereafter” meant, he became defensive and said I should let it be a surprise.  I mean, COME ON!  Do you mean a week?  6 months?  A year!?

He told me that I should just “trust him” and that we should enjoy what we have now.

Honestly, I think you are reading too much into this.  What I see here is a man who is preparing to pop the Question.  They tend to get all secretive and evasive beforehand… but at the same time they do or say things to “check in” with you to make sure they are on the right track and boost their own confidence (no guy wants to get down on one-knee with an expensive ring in hand, only to get a possible public humiliation that goes with a BIG FAT – NO WAY… NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS)

Truthfully, my guess is your guy could still be on track for your Vacation, or sometime in the not to distant future.

In the meantime, enjoy hanging out on WBee with the other Gals here on the WAITING BOARD (great bunch of folks there), practice Mr Bee’s Plan, and make sure your nails look fantastic around the clock !!

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

I lived with my ex for 5 years, never wanted marriage. Currently living with my fella, and he moved in well before we got engaged. That was my choice. To be completely honest, neither of us had even spoken about marriage. Just spent all our time together, constant sleep overs it just made sence to move in. I’d never want to marry/get engaged to someone without living with them first, but that’s just me ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Think you are reading into what he said too much. Enjoy your relationship and don’t worry too much. 

Post # 10
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m with Milo, test the water first. See if you get along under the same roof then get engaged. It seems that he is very serious about you and I think he probably wants to make sure you are completely comfortable with each other before he pops the question.

I’ve been living with my guy since January this year and about 3-4 months ago he proposed to me. So I didn’t wait long. I wasn’t even waiting anyway as I knew in my heart it would happen at some point but when he did ask me I was still shocked lol. 

Post # 11
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@LittleBee84:  I found myself in a similar situation a few months ago. My SO is a veteran (he’s out now) but his roommate wasn’t and got sent across the country. All of a sudden my SO needed to find a new apt. We had already talked about getting married, having kids, etc. my lease was up and I was going to need to look for a new apartment at the same time. It made sense to move in together and he asked me about it. It would make financial sense to share an apartment then pay for two and he could save money for a ring. I was honest and said that I didn’t want to live with anyone until we were married or at least engaged. At first he didn’t understand but I’ve had so many friends who are a living testament of the “why buy a cow if you have milk at home” situation. I also said that I had some friends who did live together before they got engaged and married and felt like milestones in their relationship didn’t feel different. Like we are engaged, yay, but nothing changes about their day to day life and it’s anticlimactic. He talked to a work friend about it whom I had never met. And he agreed with me- he said nothing really changed or felt different. SO also read statistics that couples who live together before they get married are more likely to get divorced later. SO agreed to wait at least until we were engaged. I felt bad about it later. And later even said that we could move in together (i didnt want him to feel rejected) but SO refused. He said that I may regret it later and he knows and understands that this is what I really wanted so that is what we are doing.  I think living apart is extra incentive for him to propose sooner than he would if we were living together.  

It all comes down to what you want! This was my decision because that is what I was comfortable with, but I have other friends who lived together as BF and GF, were later engaged (granted it took 2 years after they started living together but they were young), got married, bought a house, and now have a kid on the way now that they’ve been married a few years.  It is a really personal decision that only you can make and there is no wrong answer as long as you are true to yourself. If you still aren’t sure, talk to your SO and tell him that you are torn bc of xyz. Talking it out may help you figure it out as well as learn how he feels about it. Good luck!!

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