(Closed) Confused Newlywed

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You two need to get to counceling ASAP. It sounds like you two are just going incircles and as you know it’s also terrible for your son. Always do everything that you can to fix it before ending it, you both need to learn a healthy way of disagreeing,and name calling or using the divorce word is a deal breaker. I hope you two get some help!

Post # 4
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@proudmomma:  When you say that you went to counseling and that he is going to “Work on it” what does that entail?  I feel like there need to be specific strategies that you and he and your counselor know.  I don’t think him saying “I’ll work on it” is enough.  What did the counselor say?

Post # 7
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

The first year of marriage is the hardest….ok and sometimes the second year too.  I’ve been married before and our issues existed/were never changed for many years.

DH sounds a lot like yours.  He gets “pissy” and can be a real jerk if he’s frustrated.  I too was worried before we got married b/c we would fight BAD and then I’d threaten to leave….BTW, he’s never come close to hitting me or anything like that.  I now know it was worry b/c of my previous marriage.

I can honestly say that things have gotten way better.  First of all, I call him out on it every single time….apparently his exes did NOT do this and he thought they could care less about respect….whereas “I demand it” according to him. 

One thing I did was instead of thinking “man, what a prick”, I started thinking and talking to him about why it was happening.  And I’ve recently found out (by him feeling comfortable enough to tell me) that his parents were verbally abusive towards him…put him down a lot…so he has low self-esteem. 

He actually mentioned the other day he wasn’t a “good guy” like I thought but a jerk.  At first, I was hurt he’d say that, then we talked and I now believe his self-esteem is so low that he thinks he’s not worthy enough for me.  Instead of me getting mad at him for jerkish things, I talked with him calmly and explained that I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t think he was a great guy.  He said he feels “broken” b/c of his parents and this is the first relationship he’s ever wanted to better himself for and he’s afraid of making me a bitter person instead of super duper happy one. 

I’ve realized he needs me to be the positive one (which I am) but not just for me but for him.  So me getting upset with him does more damage than telling him the reasons why he’s so great…

Your DH says he’s “working on it” so every DAY that he’s being better/not a jerk, tell him how proud of him you are….I’m 36 and honestly never knew that there are a lot of men that suffer from low self-esteem.  They need to know they are great, just like we need to know we are sexy and beautiful.  PM me if you want and ((HUGS))

Post # 8
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@texasbee:  WOW, what great advice… Very thoughtful. 

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