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I say let it be. You apologized to her and that's all you can do. I think she blew it completely out of proportion. I didn't even put either of our parents names on our wedding invites even though my family is paying for pretty much the entire wedding.
I think the whole parent's names on the invites is a bit of an old custom and she should just move on.
I'd also tell your FI to simmer down. You didn't realize his family expected to be mentioned on the invitations. I don't understand why he feels the need to be upset with you.
I think you were right to only put your parents on. Normally the hosts are put on. IF they wanted to be on this is something they should have said a LONG time ago & also should be helping out.
My parents didnt want to be on the wedding invites so ours dont mention any parents. FH's parents are not helping out with anything they wouldnt be mentioned anyway.
You actually did nothing wrong. If you parents are the hosts, then you are right to only put their names and not your Future In Laws. Maybe explain to them that you were following proper etiquette and they will come around. My sister and her FI are paying for the wedding themselves so they didn't put either set of parents on the invite. Both sets of parents understood why and there was no drama. Maybe if your FI's folks understand why you did it, they will come around.
I don't think I'd write a full out apology letter but just say you've never thrown a wedding before and the advice you got was to put the hosts names on.
I think you should let it be and just say you are done with it. Frankly, you were within your rights to not include his parents, even if you didn't think of it that way. The hosts are the ones who are supposed to be on the invite. Your parents are hosting. End of story.
Now, proving that you were right is not necessary and probably not helpful. Just let it go.
I think as long as you have sincerely apologized you have done all you can do and now it just needs to blow over. It'll calm down eventually. Your FI has no reason to be mad at you unless for some reason he thinks your lying about accidentally not putting his parents. It doesnt sound to me like its a good enough reason to call off the wedding, but if you think so then do what you think is right. Once your FI calms down have him talk to his family and explain AGAIN that it was an honest mistake. good luck!
Normally only the hosts names are put on, she's majorly overreacting! If they expected it, they should have told you that way in advance!
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate it. The catch is that they are giving us money, although I was under the impression that it was a gift and if we wanted to spend it on the wedding, we could. I did talk to his mom for quite awhile today and she was still very hurt.
FI is upset with me because at one point, he asked if his parents should be on the invite and I said no, I don't think so. He's more upset that he hurt his mom and dad. Both of us are really family oriented people and there is rarely conflict between family members. So this is new for him.
From everything I know the names that go on the invites are the bride, groom and the hosts of the wedding, aka the people paying for it. If that's your set of parents, then you mention them. If the groom's side helps, then yes, they ought to be noted. In this case, you didn't realize the groom's side was helping with the actual wedding, and so I cantotally understand how you could have made the invite error. You've really done all you can to apologize and explain, and I think they will get over it eventually. It's best now just to let time heal.
In all honestly, I did the same thing in a way, but in trying to save space on the invite, I put "Together with their parents, Miss Bride and Mr. Groom request the honor of your presence..." I got a few grumbles for that, as both sets of parents had chipped in, but nothing too major. Hang tough. It will be ok.
I agree with the PP. Traditionally, the hosts are the only ones listed on the invitations. Since that is your parents, their names would be listed, and not your FI's parents, unless that's something they specifically mentioned during the planning period, I don't think you've done anything wrong! Apologizing at this point, which you've done, is about all you can do. If they want to hold a grudge about something so unimportant, that's up to them. It sounds like they're being very petty. They can't blame you for following tradition when they didn't ask to have their names on the invitation/help with the process in the beginning!
However, if they're hosting the rehersal dinner or anything else like that, be sure to put their names on that and not your parents. Maybe that will help appease their feelings!
I think you should let it be for now and honour them BOLDLY LOL in the programs and in your speech during the rehearsal dinner and wedding!
Everything will blow over!
Thanks for making me laugh a little. I already updated several things to make sure that they were included on every detail. I'm sad that they are so upset, sad that my FI is upset, sad that things were not communicated early on.
PS. Our whole damn wedding is about family! Family members are standing for us, our vows talk about family, we will be sitting with each set of parents at the reception, etc. We have asked for their wedding pics to display, etc etc etc.
Proper ettiquette is the parents paying for the wedding are on the invite, both if they are sharing the cost and neither (or both) if the couple is paying. Of course depending on how conservative you or your families are, there might be the expectation for both parents to be in the invite anyway, which in your case there clearly was. If you apologized, I would let it go. If they aren't paying, they don't really have a leg to stand on to demand to be on the invite. Especially since it was a honest mistake. And to be honest, if your FI didn't participate in conversation and planning of the invites, he really shouldn't have expected you to read his mind.
I think they are seriously overreacting.
You didn't do anything wrong at all, and his parents should know that. More often than not, if one set of parents are hosting the wedding, their names are usually the only ones included on the invite.
I find it preposterous that his parents are mad since your FI and no one else told you ahead of time that it was important to include his parents on the invitation. Your FI should have assisted you in the process and spoken up about it. You aren't a mind reader and you didn't do anything wrong.
Oh I like Future Mrs. Martin idea of using a distraction.
Show her a mockup of the programs or just the note you're planning in the programs to thank them.
'We thank our parents, bloo bloo and too too, for all they have provided, and the magnificent work they have done to orchestrate today's celebration'
Your FI is another story though, sounds like he's being quite anti-helpful and you guys might want to have a talk about why he hurt your feelings.
I dont think you did anything wrong. We included my DH's parents on the invitations because we wanted to (and they were helping with the bar, rehearsal dinner, etc). But typically you only put the hosts on there so unless his parents are paying for the wedding its not 100% necessary for their names to be on it.
I think whats done is done and it was an honest oversight. You've apologized and thats all you can do. I wouldnt resend the invitations, it would be an extra cost and confusing to your guests to get two invitations. Id try to let it go and hope his family can do the same.
I didn't include parents on my invites, we were pretty non-traditional thou. I read that the hosts names go on the invite but not both sets of parents. I mean, you CAN list his parents but on most sites they don't have that. I wouldn't re-send invites because that may confuse people & it gets expensive too!
Are you making wedding programs? I would do that as a "compromise"... include his family & a little bio of his parents (if you can).
Ummm I was going to originally agree with you until i read your SECOND post saying his parents ARE giving you money.
You were wrong....but i mean...its done and nothing can be changed. I have to say though that your MIL has every right to be upset. My parents are paying half, and FHs parents half and we are paying as well...so all our names are on the invite. To only put your parents makes me think ONLY YOUR parents are helping to pay. *sigh*
Either way its water under the bridge now as the invites are sent out, but maybe make mention at the reception about FH's families contributions? (kind tacky i suppose)...but you just made his side look cheap (maybe no cheap..but if i got the invite I would think they werent contributing for anything)
Thank you, Baileyh for your honesty. I appreciate it. I think that FI and I both messed up, did not really think very hard or look into how it should be handled. Unfortunately, there are a lot of hurt feelings as a result.
We are using the money that they are giving us for the rehearsal and the honeymoon.
Have you told them you didn't have help with the programs & all the online examples & ettiquette said to just post the hosting parents? You can apologize & say you didn't realize what you did & it was a mistake. Don't feel too guilty. If you have a wedding website, you can add their names there... make the programs including them. Don't make it too big of a deal thou. You didn't do an awful terrible thing... so just let it be & it'll be fine in a few days.
you could do what i did with FI's mom...
mr. and mrs s request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
future mrs h and mr. h
son of ms h....
mentioned his mom, but didnt give her any credit, as she shouldnt have had any, she didnt pay for anything...
You did nothing wrong if your parents are the hosts. The host of any party, even a wedding, is the one who issues the invitation. Hosting is not the same as giving money. Imagine if you had a BBQ in your yard, and your cousin gave you $50 toward the food. You are still the hosts of the party- your cousin doesn't now get to be on the invite just because he gave you some money.
Seriously, we had FI and I providing money, plus my parents, FI's parents, FI's grandparents, and My Aunt each give us a little something towards the wedding. How on earth would an invite with all those people be phrased, lol? In olden days, the hosts were easy to figure out, because it was just whoever planned the wedding (typically the brides parents and usually the owners of the home where the wedding took place.) But now with most couples planning their own weddings, the hosting thing has gotten a little murkier. I don't necessarily blame your FI's parents for not understanding why their names were not on the invite, but I do blame them for saying hurtful things, trying to cause drama, etc.
You've already apologized. Sending out more invitations or apologizing again will only bring the issue back to the surface. I say just let it be and things will get back to normal in time. In the meantime, just keep doing everything you are doing to be sure they are included. Honor them in the programs and anywhere else your parents are honored and let it be. I would try not to be angry with his family, but just move on as much as possible. It isn't worth your time, and you being angry just feeds into their drama. Your fight with your FI, on the other hand, may be problematic. But the two of you will be bound to fight about things (everyone does, and extended family issues are a common cause). You need to find a way of fighting that isn't so destructive and doesn't make you question the value of your relationship. That's a whole separate issue from this invitation thing, and may be a good thing to bring up in pre-marital counseling (which I think most bees recommend in general).
Also, p.s. since traditionally the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner, maybe it would make them feel better if only their names were on that invitation (if you think that wouldn't cause trouble with your parents...)
@bes: Sorry, I hope I don't hurt anymore feelings but I just wanted to be superhonest because I had to deal with a lot of this stuff for my wedding too and I can totally understand the parents. I'm not sure what cultures are involved in your wedding, but that can also play a factor in the difference in opinion.
It seems to me that the current American generation believes that we don't need to put our parents on the invites unless they are contributing/helping with the wedding costs. I read this when looking up proper invitation etiquette, but then I knew it was a no-no for asian weddings! From my asian-american wedding, I know that even if the parents didn't contribute, they want to be acknowledged too.
We paid for our own wedding, but our parents have given us previous gifts and help out in other ways. By putting both their names on there, it is kind of like announcing that they are your parents (so they can be proud that their children are marrying) and you are paying respect to them for bringing you into the world and raising you and putting food on the table for you all these years. They may not have directly paid for the wedding, but they have paid to raise you or have given you a monetary gift. Although you may have used this towards say the honeymoon, if they had not given it to you, you would have taken some money away from the actual wedding to pay for that. So try to see it from their viewpoint in that sense. It's kind of like they made it possible for you to have the savings that you have by providing for you in other ways.
So, don't be angry. Just see how you can make things better so you can all be happy.
I was rushed with my wedding. Even tho I got the invitations correct, I did fail to acknowledge them in other ways and boy was I crushed that they felt left out. I had forgotten to include them in the table toastings for instance but I instantly made up for it by asking them to go back with me to retoast each table.
It's kind of like what you said - my fiance and I were stressed, short on time and didn't really think things thru before we said or did them. So we omitted some things by accident.
Are you short on time for planning? I think that it may be a big reason for the stress. See if you could get more help from your bridesmaids. Guys are not as good at stuff like wedding planning. Most of the responsibility ends up falling on the bride and so we just need to learn to get help from the people that can actually help us. And if you're in the SF bay area, I can even pitch in! :)
If you haven't already sent out the rehearsal dinner invites, then I would make sure those prominently feature his parents' names and not your parents. I think that's a great compromise and you can get you FMIL involved in designing the invites.
I do agree that the way your fiance is acting seems like a different matter. I don't understand why he's angry with you if both of you made the same mistake and he shouldn't be holding it against you. Remind him that this wedding isn't entirely your responsibility and if someone (anyone) wants something specific, they need to speak up.
Good luck - this really shouldn't be this big a deal, so I hope it blows over.
You are right -- the hosts go on the invites. I am so sorry that your FMIL reacted to tradition so negatively. : ( Maybe you could "accidentally" e-mail her an etiquette link regarding identifying hosts on the invites? (I'm joking, because that would probably just make stuff worse, but UGH, this woman sounds awful.)
I read the responses to your post, and it is true that if your parents are paying for the wedding and reception, they are the hosts and should be the ones on the wedding invitation.
I would do what
suggested, and REALLY go all out to make sure that HIS PARENTS get the recognition for hosting the Rehearsal Dinner!!! :)
You should also remind her that NOBODY - yes, NOBODY pays enough attention to invite wording enough to actually 1. notice or 2. care who's names are listed as the hosts. Seriously. THis is such a non issue.
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Hi,
I'm posting for advice, thoughts, anything.
My fiance have been planning our wedding for about 6 months now. The wedding is turning out to be nothing like I dreamed. Of course, I know that we all make compromises, but I keep thinking in the back of my mind that this is not what I wanted.Oh well.
We sent out invites recently and make a huge mistake by not including his parents on the invite. His mother is livid, saying that it seems like he does not even have parents, that we made it look like they don't even exist. It was an honest mistake, I thought the hosts were the ones on the invites, host are my parents.
Huge fight with FI. He thinks that I should have known to put his parents on the invite but also repeatedly refused to help me with the process. She said a lot of very hurtful things to me and him. Or if he helped, he complained the whole time. Now, his family is angry with me. My FI and I are angry with each other, and I'm starting to question whether getting married is even a good idea.
I'm so confused, it should not be this hard. FI is very angry that I am angry with his mother. I feel that she (and several other people) are blowing it out of proportion and that it was a simple mistake, it was thoughtless. I've apologized to his family, he's apologized, but things are just not right between us. Help?
There is so much drama.